The Loss Is So Painful

The pain of losing your spouse is indescribable. It is harder than any physical pain I've ever had to endure. I've given birth three times. Two of them by csection. I've have all my wisdom teeth pulled. I've had a portion of my ovary removed...all of that combined pales in comparison to the constant ache of his death. When you have a baby the pain is only for a brief time. When the pain ends you're richly rewarded with a whole little person who has your eyes and your husband's nose. When you have surgery, you'll recover and with any luck feel better than before you had the procedure. There is no end game in suicide.

The pain is everlasting and you never really "recover". You just invent new and creative ways to apply a bandaid to a severed arm. Eventually that bandaid does slip off and the wound reopens. And it always happens without notice, the most inopportune moments. Time to get creative again. You realize you'll never have your hand back. You accept it. You're now just doing your best not to get gangrene. That's the loss. And they talk about people losing a limb having phantom sensations. For a minute it feels like it's still there. Then you look down and the bandaged stump quickly reminds them of their reality. You put a few extra bandages on just to be safe....

The pain is more apparent during the holidays. People look at you with such pity. You pity yourself too. The loss of a limb or spouse...it's all the same. You have to learn how to do all the things you did before but now differently. People are trying to do things for you and they have the best intentions but we resist. We know this is something we have to figure out sooner or later. We can't rely on others to do everything for us. It doesn't even matter how you lost your limb anymore. Now it's a matter of making things work as well as we can with what we have. It's just gone and it's not fair. How can we ever be expected to be celebrating? Whether the loss is physical or emotional it's...just such a huge loss.

None of this may make sense to you. That's ok. I just have to get it off my chest and put it out there so I can stop feeling sorry for myself sooner rather than later.

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