More Great Days than Bad.

Tomorrow is May and that marks the 8th month Mikes been gone. I can report that We are having having more good days than bad. But...today is the latter. We will never be completely over what's happened. Luckily, I know I'm not required to just "get over it". It's become part of our story. It makes up who we are. 

I've had this nervous energy since I woke up this morning. I can't concentrate. I can't sit still. I can't really focus on anything. I used it to clean the apartment, walk to school to pick up the kids and take them to the pool twice. Now they are in bed asleep and I'm searching my brain to identify what exactly has me so anxious. I am not sure. Except maybe seeing a Mother's Day commercial this morning. It sort of crushed me. 

I'm a mother because of him. And then I thought about Fathers Day. How will it feel when that days comes? How do I prepare myself for the soul shattering day? We are lucky to have Sean in our lives but this will be the first Fathers Day without Mike. He's their father. The father of my babies. 

Mason finally broke down and cried the other evening. For the first time since the night I told him Daddy would never be home. He finally said he missed and loved him. It was a break through. He's starting to love Sean, in doing so he's wrestling with loyalty. He feels guilty for loving Sean the way he loves his daddy. I reassured him that no one will ever replace his dad. Ever. Sean just wants to love him. 

He's been talking about him a lot now. Today at the pool he sat sadly in a chair for a few minutes. I asked him what was wrong. He said he missed the way his dad played in the pool with him. I told him I miss him to. He seemed to be completely over it once he was able to let out his thoughts and went right back to swimming.

When it's hard on them, it's hard on me. It hurts me to see them longing for something I cannot give them. I'm past being angry with Mike. There are moments though when I cuss him. What he's done to the kids can not be taken back, changed or replaced. His pain is gone but the kids just began. I have PTSD, I can live with that. I cannot fill the empty place in my kids heart. That hurts the most. 

What's done is done. It's crazy to think that once summer break is over (it goes by so fast!) it will already be a year he's been gone. We survived this long and we will continue to heal. There are more good than bad days so tomorrow's looking good. 

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