Yes, this is my life

Have you ever had a dream so vivid and so terrifying it took a while after you woke up to convince yourself it didn't actually happen? At 4:12 am I woke in a panic. I felt my body for wounds and the moisture I first thought was blood from being shot was actually sweat that had soaked the length of my back. I jumped our of bed to make sure I could still walk. In my dream I was in an open court yard of a structure, Two stories surrounding me. It reminded me of the pool area from the show Melrose Place. A show I watched 20 years ago. Weird but that's what I thought. I was walking toward one side of the apartment or motel...what ever it was... When suddenly a huge commotion came on all side of me. Doors banging open and swat team members coming out of all the dark corners. I looked up to the second floor balcony and literally saw bullets flying through the air. I heard many loud voices screaming "Freeze! HANDS UP!" I knew I had to get myself out of thecross fire. I ...

Hate crimes are unconstitutional. (As if you needed to refer to the legalities of hate!) The national anthem is a representation of our Constitution and kneeling during the playing is a law abiders method of pointing out that our Constitution is being abused. It is not a reflection of the kneelers disdain for our country or our laws. It's the opposite. A silent protest to lives lost and cruel liberties taken against citizens who live for that constitution. It's a serious epidemic in this country. Comparing the act to servicemembers dying in action or fighting for the county is a bad way to go. They are DOING THE EXACT SAME THING but in different approaches. They are both trying to protect what they know to be true in the only way they know how. More people have died this year on our soil because they were black than because they were American fighting in a war zone. The two should never be compared. Apples and oranges. I'm asked a lot because I'm a widow of a Marine. H...

It's so surreal that he didn't even make it to his 40. His entire life was lived in just under 39 short years. I'm lucky enough to say u knew him 20 of those years. We were married for 11 of them. I would love to say I regret nothing but that would be a lie. I wish I had told him more often how proud I was of him, how important he was to me and the kids, how much we admired his sacrifice for his country. I wish I had held my gaze a little bit longer, hugged him a little bit tighter and felt his heart beating when I rested my head on his chest. There are many things I would have liked to do if I had known our time was going to be so brief. Instead I now hold on to the memories of what was. Hoping that he knew how dedicated I was to him, our marriage and our family. I loved him with my whole heart. I wanted more than anything, for him to wake up one morning and realize how sick he was, how much he was hurting us and himself but the day never came. I didn't give up. I ...

It's officially into September now. I dread this month every year. This year was no exception. In the last days of August I will filled will such anxiety. To make matters more ironic I started my period on September first. So I don't know for sure if my anxiety was due to the natural PMS symptoms or if my period was early because of my heightened stress. It's funny because it's true. Your mind and your body and linked so strongly. I've never been more aware of this than since Mike's suicide. September is a hard month. Harder than most. It's the anniversary of his death and exactly one week later is his birthday. September is also Suicide Awareness and Prevention month. There are such heightened emotions for me in September. Most of the time I can't even process what it is I'm feeling because they change like Missouri weather. I don't know what I feel from one moment to the next. There is great sadness, at times pride, no matter the circumstan...

I've been home from Boston for a week now but I'm still collecting my thoughts and processing all I've learned before I dish on the experience as a whole. There is one weird thing I have to share because it's been bugging me. It's not anything major, I guess. It's just that while I was in individual therapy going over the day and aftermath of Mike's suicide I began remembering small details of that night. Conversations that occurred after the gun shot. The feelings and confusion I had immediately after we ran but before I was told he was dead. It took a really long time for SWAT to get set up and to make entry into out homethat night. I remember begging and pleading with the officers to just let me go in to put pressure on his wound. If he shot himself he'd bleed out while they were getting into whatever "formation" planned. I grabbedon officer's arm and desperately begged. I had no fear for my own safety. Regardless of the struggle th...

Sundays have always been special in my family. It's the one day each week when we all consciously set aside our personal lives and schedules to gather. It's tradition in my family. One that I held on to since my grandma was living. My mom followed and then myself. We gather. We cook and we laugh. We also prepare for the week ahead. We give thanks. In therapy I realized that I'm still angry with Michael for ruining this day. He took his life on a Sunday night. If you happen to look at my Facebook posts from that exact day you will see I posted a photo of a Fall wreath I'd made for out front door that morning. I sat right in the living room floor and put it together. Mike was sitting on the couch behind me helping Mason with a school report on the mountain lion. Later that afternoon I posted a photo, the one I have here. It was a snap of my stuffed roasting hens in the oven. I said "I'm so domestic today!" It was a good day. Later I have a photo of m...

It's really common for Survivors to embellish their dead loved one's lives.  Families sometimes put them on a pedestal and the memory becomes bigger than life. The portrayal of them becomes nowhere similar to who they really were. There are those who also say things like "you can't speak ill of the dead!" That's garbage. When I hear someone speak of their loved one who took their life and they seem perfect, as if there were no indication they were in any way flawed, troubled, at risk...it makes me wonder if they really knew the person. I am very realistic about the man my husband was before he became sick, while he was there and at the end of his life. My pretending everything was great and he had no issues would be a lie and a disservice to others. By sharing the behaviors he exhibited I can help others identify warning signs in their loved ones. And people are good at masking things. If you asked my former in laws if my husband had any at risk behaviors b...