What I've learned since his suicide

What I've learned above all since his death is suicidology. Not just the sterile clinical study of what causes suicide but rather, the raw ugly reality of how the mind of someone considering suicide really works. It can't be summed up in meaningless often misleading statistics. The focus has been so firmly sighted on the number 22 that it's completely lost its meaning. The public has forgotten that those 22 were fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters sons and daughters. They were people who were loved and people who are sorely missed every minute of every day.
Suicidology isn't just the study of what causes suicide and the prevention of a death...it's giving a suicidal person hope and the tools to tackle their demons. Preventing a death isn't good enough...not with out the understanding and trust that it can and will get better. It's not just prolonging a life...afterall, you can stop the suicide today but if they aren't given the proper skills and resources statistics show they will complete the suicide in the moment you aren't there to talk them down.
I've learned how common PTSD is in our senior enlisted service members. I've had so many soldiers, sailors, Marines and their family members reach out to me since sharing my husband's story. Not just with TAPS but on social media too. People who have read our story and can identify with the behaviors I've shared. Wives who are scared their husband is next and Service Members who desperately want help but are afraid of losing their job, their reputation, their wings, their career. This is a huge problem to me.
I have found help for them. Usually private counselors and therapists who won't charge their insurance and go out of their way to be discreet. I don't feel it's right. I certainly don't think it's okay to lie but I know the benefits of getting help outweigh the guilt of being dishonest. Honestly, what does this say about the mental health system provided by the military? And what does it say about the stigma created in the atmosphere?

I've learned that asking for help is the gateway to surviving. It's the hardest step. Just acknowledging it and saying it out loud is the most important. Those who deny, those who push it down don't make it.

I've learned that peer support is key. I've learned that the first year after EAS or retirement is the most critical transition.  Even harder than boot camp. In boot camp you are broken down to be built back up supported by the Marines ahead of you and beside you. The pride that made you stand tall and rush toward danger is the same pride that keeps you silent. Once you retire that feeling of belonging and acceptance disappears and it's like the rug is pulled out from under you. It's a very isolating realization. I have learned it's so important for addition support in that critical year. I now encourage service members to keep regular contact with those newly out in the civilian world. Sometimes all it takes is someone asking how life's going and letting them know it's hard for everyone. So simple but so rarely done. The general thought is that life is a party in this time and the retiree is having a blast. It's something all service members look forward to. They won't shave or cut their hair. They will sleep in and relax for the first time. This generalization is a myth. Sure, you can do all of these things BUT it's in this period that you have the opportunity for the first time in 20 years to sit with your thoughts quietly. There is no war to prepare for, no deadlines, no inspections, no classes---just silence and time to process all that you've been through in your career and this is the most vulnerable time. It is the very first time you notice something is wrong. You suspected it in the past but time was ticking while active duty. There was no time to deal with your feelings. You stifled them only to move to the next deployment. Your Marines depended on you...

Repeat this process for a decade and you have much to process in that transition. Now...add in the fact that you were in a position of authority for many years and now your boss is the same age as your kids, there is no one around to tell you what to do or how to do it. You have utility bills for the first time in your life and everyone around you seems generally lazy after being in the military for your entire adult life....you have the recipe for a crash. Even in otherwise perfectly healthy individuals the transition is hard. I've met many MANY Retired Marines who did not notice they had some mental health issues until toward the latter portion of the first year retired.

I believe based on my experiences that much more focus needs to be placed on this vital year. I truly feel a class or seminar should be held for spouses at the end of careers should be not only offered but strongly recommended. Marines are required to take a week long course preparing them for life after the military. I think spouses should be educated on what signs and symptoms are of depression and suicidal behavior. I believe they should leave that base knowing the facts. They should be told how difficult the transition is, what is expected, when she or he should be worried and the resources to get help and advice should they need it. No one should be blindsided the way some of us were. We built up a fantasy about what life after the military would be and lost it all in a blink. In my case...135 days after retiring. We need to help them help our vets from the start. No just when things are so bad someone dies. I would teach the course for free. I am that committed to awareness and prevention. I am convinced it's that important.

I have learned the importance of my role as a peer mentor. I have learned how this relationship can determine if you really survive the suicide or just keep breathing. There is a huge leap between living and just continuing to breathe. I really feel service members in the first year of separation should have a peer mentor, a battle buddy. Someone who just checks in with them from time to time. Someone who has walked the road and understands. There is so much power in that connection. I have faith in it.

In the past three years I've worked with several veteran peer support groups and I have seen the transformation that rekindled comrades experience and it's no less than magical. Three in particular that knock my socks off. Their formula is so basic but so effective. Many lessons can be learned through them.

Since my husband died I have learned many things. Mostly I've learned that although I would change circumstances in a second if I could; I was put here to assist other survivors, advocate for prevention and awareness and fight for the service members who have been fighting for all of us.

I know if the VA and the DOD took time to speak with survivors of vet suicide they would learn so much about what led to the suicide of out loved ones. Although our stories are different the core issues are the same. So common. It's not the documents and data within a service record that can truly paint a picture of what we're up against but the Intel you gather from the actual life and story of the very real people who ultimately fought and died for this country.