Love After Loss

I am 100% convinced that the partner I have chosen in this leg of my journey has made it possible to heal and love again. I owe him a debt of gratitude for allowing me to come to terms with my reality as a team. He shares in our loss and is patient understanding and humble.

Losing your spouse especially at a young age is incredibly difficult. On one hand you're expected to grieve "properly" and the other: to "move on". Both are unrealistic expectations by friends and family...a society really who do not truly understand this grief. There is no proper way to grieve and you never really move on.  These things are myth. Being a majority belief or concept doesn't make it the right belief or concept. That is a hard road for us. Just knowing that these beliefs are expected by others but that we don't have to give the people what they want. By nature we want to please those around us. Pleasing others will not help us ultimately and many of us learn that the hard way.

As a widow at age 34 I could not imagine loving another as deeply and unconditionally as I do my late husband. Or...if it was even a possibility to love another man in this lifetime.

I became aware of the watchful eyes of others. The questions began to form: how long is it appropriate to grieve my husband before I even attempt to "date"? How would a potential suitor take to hearing I'm a widow in my 30s and to top that he died by suicide?

There's so many questions and so much pressure to make the right choice. The choice you think everyone wants you to make. You can make yourself nuts playing this game. That is until you decide to do what feels best for you. I do think finding the right partner is as important as doing what feels best for you after you loss. When YOU are ready for that to occur.

I have been in a relationship with my current partner for 2 years. He knew from day one about my life. He actually knew my late husband. They were both Marines and served in similar jobs through out their 20 years careers. Having them know eachother, even casually and both in the Marines really helped. Not only did he understand the stressors of the military but her knew him and respected him as a fellow leatherneck.

When I began to date him I was completely honest with him on my feelings, my fears and my expectations. I told him I didn't know if I was even capable of loving again. I didn't think it was fair to become involved with someone if I could not riprocate the feelings he may develop in time. He was completely patient. He said not to worry about what might or might not happen and to just keep enjoying the time we spend together. We will cross that bridge when we get there. He was self confident enough to endure the unknown. He later said "just let me love you. I'm not asking for anything in return." I thought it was so unfair but I did. In time a love I had previously not known developed for him. I learned i would never love him the way I loved my late husband because he is not my late husband. The love I had for him was as unique as they were individually.

Also, he is strong enough to not be intimated by the presence of my late husband in our home. Because we have children together and he is still a big part in our family we speak of him often. There are photos hanging on our walls. He not only "tolerates" these rituals and conversations but he initiates them with our family. He keeps his memory alive as well as I do for the kids.

Have you even noticed kids who have parents divorced and a new spouse enters the story? There is a lot of "I don't have to listen to you because your not my parent!" Or "my dad's BBQ is way better than YOURS!" Well children who have lost a parent have this amplified by 1000. We tend to put our late parent/spouse on a pedastal. The memory created is more fairy tale than reality. We romanticize who they really were. It can be a real heart breaker for the new parent. They will never live up to the memory of that late parent.

My new partner was absolutely brilliant in how he handled it too. My 12 year old son has been the most resistant. He's struggled with the feelings of guilt for loving a new father figure/role model and his dad too. I can see that he is unsure how to do this without dishonoring his dad. Sean (my new partner) sat him down on his own and said "I never want to take your dad's place. I will never be him. I do promise to love you as if you're my own. I will help you remember your dad because I loved him too." My son is coming around in his own way. He now says "I love you" in every way but literally. And we know this. This is good enough for Sean. Some how he knows that just like me, in his own time he will understand. It helps tremendously that in the latter part of his career and now hes a counselor. He understands more in depth of how people grieve and how the psyche reacts in this situation. 

How could I not love this guy? I really feel that this has been the best case scenario. I think who Sean is has helped make life and love after loss so much easier. Without his patient and loving hand I probably would have resigned to being miserable and lonely for another 34 years. Or had been forced to deny all the life I'd lived up until meeting him ever happened. A lesser man could have refused to mention my late husband's name and a lesser woman could have settled for that type of existence.

I appreciate him all all that he is and all that he does for us. All of us. He really wants to help create a life for my kids and to be a positive loving role model to them with no expectations. A man like this is rare. He's not without flaw, of course. Who is? But in matters of our grief and loss I truly don't think a better man exists. He's not perfect but he's perfect for us.

Thank you Sean for loving us.  We are so happy to have you in our lives.