PTSD: How My Brain Works Now

**Disclaimer: This blog post may trigger your PTSD or make you sick. Just a warning but I've got to get this out.**

I was lying in bed listening to 20/20 almost asleep. My body was relaxed. My eyes were closed. Sleep was coming.

But then, in the program there was a reenactment of a police shoot out. The gun shots rang out. I began thinking the sound of the gunshots in the program sounded nothing like the shot that Mike died from. The shoot out on TV took place outside and from a distance. There were echos with every shot. Little ripples as it tore through the air to its intended target.

There was no echo when Mike pulled that trigger. I suspect it was because it was a close contact shot and his body absorbed the shock and provided a damper for the sound. It was more like a Black Cat firework I remember from my youth. Just a loud pop. I then began thinking about the night he shot him self. How exactly did he manage to turn a rifle around and shoot himself? Aren't they long? Was it in his mouth? Is that why there was no echo?
I saw the blood and brain matter on the ceiling and walls. I remember it looked like the stringy fat in ground beef. It ended up in the weirdest places throughout the garage. There was a perfect outline of his body in blood stains on my garage floor up until we moved out. It could not be removed no matter what we tried. My sister and I eventually covered if with a rug and storage boxes because it was always stating right at us when we passed.

I continued these intrusive thoughts until I caught on that I was doing it. At that point my eyes were wide open. My heart was pounding and my anxiety was through the roof.

This is how my brain works now. All over a brief 20/20 episode with a police reenactment.  I may not even sleep tonight. I am not okay with the new way my brain processes information. I am fully aware what it is I'm doing once I'm there but it doesn't stop the instant images in my mind that come with certain stimulus. It doesn't even happen every time. That's the tricky part. It's been three years since he died. I've come to understand my condition and the triggers but that knowledge doesn't stop them. All I can do I'd try to redirect my brain once I recognize I'm doing it.

I don't know what's the grief and what's the PTSD or if it's both at times. I guess it really doesn't matter. I have ptsd because of his death. I'm grieving for the same thing. It's just loss. Loss of so much. I would be grieving no matter how he died but it's a double whammy being such a traumatic death.

Once I calm myself down from the panic attack I am reminded of the loss. I feel the sense of emptiness he left behind. I'm sad. Sad for myself and my kids. Like I said it's a double whammy. I'm forced to confront my PTSD and my loss simultaneously. It's rough at times.

Hopefully I did not trigger anyone else but if I want any chance of sleep tonight I've got to get it out of my head and maybe someone might have a better understanding of how PTSD can work and how quickly a noise or smell or sight can escalate into a full blown anxiety attack.  It's a very real situation. It can come at pretty much any moment.

Fingers crossed I get a few moments of sleep tonight.