It's a BOY

There are many aspects of my life that fascinate even myself. Since losing Mike I've spent a great deal of my time reprioriortizing and reaffirming my connections with the people I love. I've been on a quest to find out who I am and where I am from in order to rebuild my life. Part of that was getting knee deep in my DNA and family tree. I have so much more of an understanding of what I'm made of now. I have amazing stories of ordinary and extraordinary ancestors and one day I will share them. There was still a huge void though.

When I was about 15 or so my mother was on the phone with Child Support Enforcement inquiring about our case with the state. The representative gave my mom the wrong information in error. She got off the phone looking rather shocked. She relayed to me that my father apparently had another child...and in Washington State across the country! They would not give any other information as they weren't even supposed to say that much. My jaw dropped....

We had no contact with my father. Hadn't in years. I had no way of knowing who my sibling was. Was it a brother or sister? They MUST be younger than my little sister. My parents were 16 when they married. That means he must of met someone while working as a truck driver.

...that's all I had. Only enough to make me curious and long for a tiny morsel of a hint. Do they know about us? Do they want to be a part of our lives if they do? There is someone with my DNA walking around somewhere and I wouldn't even know them if we passed in the street...

One of the reasons I went to Ancestry.com and had my DNA done was in hopes that one day this sibling would too and reach out. I posted on many message boards looking for my lost sibling. With nothing. I had about lost hope. If I was going to find them it would be a waiting game.

One day while chatting with my kids the topic of my father came up. I mentioned that my dad, the one they call grandpa is really my step-dad. Not many people know that because he loves me like his own and I feel the same. I explained to them the unique bond a daddy person has with a child even when it's not a blood relation. I had started this conversation to ease their minds about their dad being in heaven and the relationship they share with Sean, my partner...their daddy person. As our conversations do some times, it took a turn. They flipped the script. My kids are amazing.  They were curious about my "real dad". The asked so many questions. They wanted to know was he in heaven too? I said no. They asked why he left us and why he's not with me if he's not dead? My 9 year old asked "did your daddy just not love you? Don't you love him?" I said "I just don't know. I wish I did."

That conversation made me reflect. My crazy kids always have a way of teaching me something while im trying to teach them. Why don't I have contact with my father? What happened between my parents was their issue. Can I forgive both of them and reach out? Seeing it through my children's eyes made the decision a non issue. If we're both alive then there is no reason why I can't connect with him. I know my kids would do anything to talk to their dad. But where would I start and what would I even say if I found him? I needed time to think about it.

I don't know if it was a coincidence or not but shortly after making the choice to reach out I was on my youngest son's facebook account. I go on occasionally to check on him because it's supposed to be strictly for gaming. I delete friend requests and make sure he's not talking to strangers etc...you know, parenting 101. I digress... I was going through deleting requests when I came to a section  "people you may know". It was my little brother's name. I knew it was his name. His name is Jimmie. It's an odd spelling. Unique. Rare even. It caught my eye. It was his name, alright. First and last-- and my maiden name is ten letters long. What are the odds? I was thinking "does he have two accounts? That is NOT him in the photo. Has he been hacked?" So I clicked on the photo to enlarge and investigate.

....WOW! My heart was in my stomach. That's not my brother. That's my biological father! I hadn't seen his face in 25 years but I immediately knew it was him. I just sat there for a second. I didn't even know what to do next? I sort of feel it was a touch of divine intervention. I'd been on facebook daily for nearly a decade. I've even done searches for him specifically and never got anywhere. Now by chance his name appears on my kids facebook? I logged out of his account and back into mine. I went straight to the messenger and my fingers didn't seem to stop. I typed the longest message. The most gut wrenching emotional request. I followed that with a "friend request". Then...I heald my breath. Luckily not for too long. After 48 hours I got not reply and made peace with the disconnect. I knew that I had no control over his choice. I had to be okay with knowing I did reach out. I did my best and if he's not ready now, maybe someday and now he has a way to contact me. There was a part of me that felt as if I were the little hurt abandoned girl but I decided my choice to be the first to try was a reflection of my inner growth. Either way I learned something new about what I was made of.

About a week after I had sent the message and request I was grocery shopping. I saw his name appear in a comment on my Facebook page. It said "hello darlin'". The weight of the world just lifted off my shoulders. I had myself an ugly cry. I had also coincidentally broke my flip flop in the dairy aisle and Sean was not back from running an errand so I sat on a park bench in front of the grocery store, shoeless with grocery cart full and sobbing into my cell phone. I am sure I looked quite crazy but no shits were given. This was a huge step in MY healing.

We talk regularly now. On the phone and facebook. I just sent him 300 photos to catch up on the past 30ish years. Not only does my heart feel full he shared with me who my long lost sibling is. He not only have me his name but his location and phone number. IT'S A BOY! I HAVE A BABY BROTHER! His name is Jesse and he's 30. The baby of family. Amanda is no longer the youngest. We talk just about every day. He lives in Oregon. Our daughter have almost identical names. His is Kiera. Mine is Kira. We didn't even know each other. How funny?! We share the same eye color and many other features as well as mannerisms.

I  am overjoyed! So many things I'm learning and doing I would have never done before the loss of husband. Maybe God planned our connection in the time we'd all need it the most? Whatever it is I am grateful. I  fascinated by the way this life is unfolding and I can't wait to hug my new nieces and baby brother! Not many girls get a new baby brother at age 37! Lucky me he's already potty trained to!

I'm counting my blessings. More good days than bad!