Dreams Remind Me

No matter how far I come in my waking hours it's always my dreams that remind me how far I have to go.

Last night in my dream I was in the car with the kids. I was speeding down a windy road but I wasn't going forward. I was going in reverse. I was doing my best to avoid oncoming traffic knowing full well the danger we were in. I couldn't change the direction of my car and was accelerating by the second.
The next thing I knew I was blasted in the back of my head. I saw stars. I went blind for a few seconds. I remember telling myself I had to stay conscious. I had to remain calm and awake to protect the kids. I asked them in my daze did they hit me. They all said no. They were ok. It was only me who had been hit. It made no sense and caused more panic. The pain was excruciating. I was the only adult in the car. No one was there to take the wheel. I fought the loss of consciousness. Everything went black and I woke up....

When I began to calm down I asessed the dream and knew exactly what my mind was telling me. My biggest fear. Knowing I'm a bit lost in the world and responsible solely for my kids. Sometimes I do feel like I'm speeding in reverse on treacherous highways. I know I'm the one at the wheel and ultimately, besides God... there is no longer a copilot. That is a scary reality.

My dreams are always the same theme: I'm in a position where my children's safety is threatened or Mike is back from the dead putting his needs and desires first.

One night this week I dreamed we were on the way to the emergency room. I had cut myself pretty bad but Mike didn't go directly to the hospital...he first stopped at a Block Buster to rent a movie he wanted to see. I was bleeding all over the car but he put himself first. I was hurt and so confused why he would do something so stupid.

It's in line with the same theme as always. The bottom line is in the deep dark places of my heart and soul I am hurt and confused that he took his life. Never angry. I know he was sick but at times I feel like he put himself above his family.

The time passes. We learn to accept the facts but it can't change the sense of abandonment and incredible loss. I can tell an audience of hundreds of survivors that it's not your fault. That their loved one wasn't thinking rationally. I can explain suicidality. I can explain how the illness progresses. I can point out that in most cases their loved one actually thinks taking their life will be a favor to their families. But it doesn't stop the intrusive thoughts. It doesn't rationalize the irrationality of the emotions you feel in the aftermath of such trauma. Not just in the immediate future but for years.

Our hearts never fully accept what our brains come to understand.