Beware The Ides of March

E Tu Brute?!

In mythology Ceasar and his wife both woke the morning of March 15th with dread. Both suffering nightmares through their slumber. It's said that his wife begged him to stay home that day. She had a gut feeling that something bad would happen I'd he left.

He left anyway and she was right. He did not come home again.

I think it was Shakespeare who coined the phrase Beware, The Ides of March! And E Tu Brute!? The story goes that he was rushed by several towns people one being his best friend Brutus. In the story his last words were that of disappointment to see he was participating in his own murder. Betrayal. Heartbreak. He was stabbed 22 times by the men and once by his closest confidant. 22+1 (that's ironically the vet suicide rate reported)

I woke today from a terrible dream. In my dream Mike reappeared. Told me he had a girlfriend and no intentions of remaining a part of my life or our children. I was crushed and mad. I screamed at him until my throat was raw. To make matters worse I was told by the government that all the DIC and benefits paid will have to be paid back. Although HE was the one who faked his death, the claim was filed by me so therefore it was my debt. It was all so overwhelming.

I woke up sick. My stomach was in knots. I checked my phone...4:30am....March 15. It's exactly 2.5 years since he died. I hadn't even given it much thought up until that moment.

I guess in a way I feel betrayed like Ceasar. Of all the people who could have betrayed me I never thought it would be him. In my waking hours I accept my reality. I've made great strides in healing...but in my dreams, in my subconscious I'm still wrestling with certain aspects of his death. I've learned to control my grief while awake. I'm as heathy as I CAN be at this point but I realize I have a way to go.

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