Spouses of Vets

When Mike was enlisted it was well known and constantly reinforced that we, as spouses were merely guests. "If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife...they'd issue one to you" I never even really picked up the rank structure with him serving 20 years. I am not a Marine. I treated everyone the same regardless of the sticker on their car or the patch on their sleeve. It did not concern me. I went to the functions. I was involved to a point. It's a fine line we walk. Never getting too involved but not appearing unsupportive either. 

Mike and I had only been married two years when he came back from Iraq the first time and began Recruiting Duty shortly after. I was pregnant in 2004 and he was on a new duty. When he first came back everything was great. Then we were excited about the move closer to our family, then excited about his first born...and it was a boy! I could not understand when he hit a brick wall. All the joy and all the excitement began to disappear. A dark cloud hung over him. It kept getting worse. 

At first I thought maybe he's feeling uncertain of first time parenting. It's a huge responsibility after all. I excused his behavior. I thought maybe this duty is really demanding. I appeased myself with that temporarily. I was in denial too...until he began to tell me all the ways he considered killing himself. Driving the government vehicle into on coming traffic...etc. I was worried. Not just for him but for others. He could die and take others along. 

We were told in the one spouse post deployment meeting if anything like this happened. If we noticed a change, if he said anything alluding to suicide we should contact the command. 

I wrestled with that. It was a rule. We don't involve the command. We made fun of girls who called our husbands complaining about not letting their husband off work for a doctors appointment or leave. I'm ashamed now looking back but it was clearly defined. It causes even more friction in the shop when you have one of those wives. We don't want added stress.

When I found him slumped over in the fetal position crying in a dark bathroom one night I knew I had to contact his command. I was failing us all by holding to these stupid rules. The next morning I took a deep breath and called his executive officer. The words poured out like a broken dam. I told him everything. He was kind and sincere. He thanked me for contacting him. He said he would get Mike help and I did the right thing. I was so relieved. So hopeful. We were going to be ok.

It was a Friday. I glowed all weekend. I knew on Monday when he went in his prayers and mine would be answered. That Monday I was excited all day. I occupied my time just waiting for him to get home to tell me they came to him with answers, with relief. 

...I was wrong. Instead he came through the door in a huff and slamming it behind him so hard the photos fell off the wall. He was furious. He was more mad at me than I even knew he was capable. He asked me why I would contact his bosses. I had no business, no right. How dare I? I was not expecting that.i didn't anticipate this. It was the beginning of the rage.

His boss asked him point blank if he was suicidal. For whatever reason Mike told him "no, sir." That was the end of the conversation. Not a moment more.

Later that month he was relieved for Cause. In my mind, I single handedly ruined his career. You don't make it back after a relief for cause. I knew that much. I thought I was helping and made it worse. I did that. Me. I was responsible. 

(I know now it wasn't me. His XO failed him. He failed to do his due diligence. He did not go any further than one question. He did not do his job. Maybe he thought he'd save his job ultimately by not sending him for an evaluation. I don't know. That boss is now the commanding officer of an entire combat battalion. It haunts me knowing he could have aided in the suicide of any other Marine by doing this again.)

From that point I knew the Marines would not be of any help in the fight. I was defeated. I ruined his entire career, his trust in me and he was still sick. I screwed up big time. I carried that guilt with me until he died. I suffered silently. I enabled him. I lied for him. I made excuses. I lied to myself. He lived 8 more years this way. Nearly a decade. 

Spouses, its all bullshit. The "rules" we have. The unspoken norms we have in place. Their job is to make mission. Our job is the welfare of our family. Regardless of what you've been told. If someone doesn't help you, help him...go to the next person. Because I will be honest his title of Marine doesn't mean shit now that he's dead. Sorry to Marines if that stings but in retrospect I don't give a good god damn if they named a base after my husband and he was up there with the likes of Chesty motherfucking Puller in the history of the legacy....if he died needlessly it's all worthless to us. He could have been saved a decade ago. Before the illness took over and he disappeared. So far gone,Che thought being dead would give us a better life. 

As a spouse you may very well know before the servicemember that their behavior has changed. You will see things. Things you know are completely out of character. Don't ignore them. Don't dismiss them. Don't deny them the way I did. The earlier it's addressed the more likelihood you'll recover, manage the condition. It is absolutely your spouses bosses responsibility to offer resources for treatment, to not discriminate regardless of the results. It's your job to be their advocate. His career means nothing compared to life. You'll never be promoted dead. 

This condition causes mass destruction when undertreated or untreated all together. It ruins families, causes divorce, teaches children such bad habits, and ultimately can kill. Just as in my husband's case. He made it home from four deployments and still died for this country...in the safety of our home...by his own hand...with the rifle his dad gave him for Father's Day.

Ignore what others say, your family is your priority. It's natural to feel resentful to them. You also need to care for yourself. Don't lose yourself in the illness. Don't lose your common sense in the struggle. Find others who are like you. Don't isolate yourself. You're not alone. The more support you get the more you can support your spouse. 

Most of all follow your gut. Don't stop until you can lay your head at night peacefully knowing you did everything you could and are satisfied with the results. I know how hard it is to be in your position and anyone who says it's not is a liar or an asshole. You are as important in this fight as your spouse. You are not a Marine, you are their partner in life. You will sometimes have to fight the illness, your spouse and the government simultaneously. You will want to throw in the towel and walk away and that when you find me, or a friend or mentor who has been or is there now. Share with them your frustration, vent, cry, scream but always wake up the next morning with a renewed determination because a new day is a fresh start at gaining control of the chaos. You owe it to yourself and your family. 

We have your back. You can do this.