Two Years Ago...

Two years ago this week, I was packing and cleaning. Mike was checking out of Pendleton one final time. We would be setting off on our adventure in post retirement bliss. We were giddy. We were nervous. We were ready to start the second chapter in life. He always told me if I gave him and the Marines the first 20 years...he'd give me the second. Well, the time had come. It was MY time to explore my goals and make MY achievements. I would no longer we the support system for him...he'd be mine. I would not just stay home with the kids, volunteering at school and cleaning the house. I could go out into the world and BE MORE. We could plan vacations and actually go on them! We could hang out stress free not stressing over an upcoming deployment. MIKE WOULD FINALLY WIND DOWN. HE COULD RELAX! He would be present for all the milestones he'd missed the kids entire life!

I will be completely honest I could not get that Durango packed fast enough. I was so hopeful. Hopeful that the personality he'd acquired would slowly disappear the further we became from the base. I just knew I'd get him back....the old him. The one I fell in love with. He assured me that THIS would solve his problems. He would grow his beard and not cut his hair. He would happily be a house husband while I went back into the work force after staying home for 7 years with the kids. They were all in school now. Life would calm down. Wed be back home with family and things would fall perfectly into place.

...little did I know that he would be dead by years end. The year that started out so hopeful dashed our hopes and dreams by September. 

JUST TWO SHORT YEARS AGO I COULD PREDICT THE REST OF MY LIFE.

It was a pipe dream. Everything I thought we promised eachother was gone. He died by suicide in less time than the span of his shortest deployment.

What about starting your own custom  auto shop? Gone
What about  my 20? I got a few months
What about getting an rv and traveling the US? Only travelling we did was driving to Mo from pendleton
What about fixing up your mustang with Mason for HIS graduation. Your mom refused to give the car to Mas after you died.
What about walking your daughter down the aisle? Now another man will.
What about growing old together? I know although I'm 5 years younger, soon I will be older than you.

He never once mentioned he might take his life in that time period. Not since 2005. I thought all he needed was to be free. I convinced myself he would be ok. I was wrong. Our lives will never be the same.

Ironically, I'm back in Fallbrook. I can see the base from my front yard. Two years ago we left and I didn't look back. I blamed it on the stress of the lifestyle. I ignored all the facts I know to be true about mental illness. I just wanted it to work. He promised that's all it was.

It wasn't the lifestyle. It wasn't California. It was Mike. I can say that now. Mike is responsible for his absence. He refused help when offered and denied a problem until the end. That deadly choice caused us a lifetime of pain. It also cost us his life insurance and death indemnity. There is no record of him being seen for PTSD because he didn't see it. I overlooked it. I wanted to believe otherwise.

Now, at 36 I'm a widow, three children and unemployed with PTSD of my own. I may never get to accomplish anything else. I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel bad for my kids. They lost it all that night. I'm trying to do all I can for them but it will never be the same. And my kids are starting to connect the dots as I feared they would.

Saturday while raking leaves in the yard Mason asked  "was dad ever fun and I just can't remember?". They are beginning to recognize that his behavior was abnormal. I reminded him of fun things we did and showed him photos but that will only last so long. I will have to accept it all over again when the figure out for themselves that they got screwed a long time before he died. Sure he was physically there but not emotionally. Not most of their life. I can't fix that.

Two years ago this week I would have never EVER think I would be here. 

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