Today is an Anniversary of Sorts.
Ten years ago today my divorce was final from my son's father. I didn't even realize it because its also my middle sons 8th birthday. A happy day washed away the bad.
I was walking my daughter to school this morning and I ran into a neighbor. We started to chat as I do. Random nonsense really. That's how I roll. As I was talking to her though I could see that she was starting to crack but didn't want to pry. As I said my good bye she said "Hey one more thing! We're going through some hard times and I was hoping you can be my extra set of eyes on the boys in the neighborhood and at school." I said of course and I asked are they having a hard time lately? At that point the tears just wouldn't stop. Shes lost. She said they are divorcing and she doesn't even know what to do. Is she going...is he? And where? Shes got school, the kids have school....
Anyone who's been through a divorce knows where she is right now. When I see people in this place it instantly takes me back to the pain and anguish living hell of going through the experience myself. I get it. I know exactly how she feels. I let her know that I have been divorced with children and if she ever needs to talk, vent cry, scream I am here.
I thought by sharing my story, my mistakes, milestones with you that maybe it can help or at least make anyone there now not feel so alone. No matter how long you've been married or what age you are its never easy. Especially when children are involved. We made so many mistakes, we hurt each other so deeply and most important we hurt our son. That is one thing in my entire life that I would take back first. Its been years and still I wish we would have handled it differently.
I was 17 when I started dating him. My senior year in HS. I had a troubled home life and found myself kicked out of my mothers house in the middle of the school year. His mother was kind enough to open her home and let me stay in a spare bedroom. He and I had been dating only a few months. He was southern, gentle, funny, kind and polite. A good person. Of course, we were nothing alike. His parents were still married, they owned their home, had been there for years, dad coached sports, mom baked cookies. Their family was everything I never had.
After High School, we got a tiny efficiency apartment and started our life together. We were young and had our freedom. We just had a good time. He became my best friend. I loved him. He was good to me.
Naturally after living together for awhile he thought the next step must be to get married. He proposed to me in our tiny little living room/kitchen. We married, the next year came our son, Tony Jr. And we just kept playing house. Neither of us really having a clue what we were doing. We just did what we thought we were supposed to do.
Four year later we divorced. Its not at all surprising really. We were not at all equipped for the commitment of marriage. We loved each other but not passionately as a man and woman should. And at first it was friendly.
Then came the shitstorm. We went through a very nasty custody battle. The likes of which movies are made. We lost sight of who we were fighting for and were just trying to hurt each other at all cost. He made false abuse claims to CPS, I picked at every single thing they did or said and made myself nuts. We had shouting matches and everything but a knock down drag out fist fight. We fought over money, school, medical needs, religion! We just fought. Constantly. We couldn't talk without fighting. Most of the time we thought we kept it out of the sight of our son but he picked up on the animosity and began to use it to his advantage. The kid is not dumb. He played right along. THAT is my biggest regret.
In the ten years since our divorce our lives have both changed so much. We've both remarried, I have two more children. He has three more. After all the hurt and pain my former husband and I are partners in raising our son. I respect him and I am proud that he's my "baby daddy". His wife, my husband and the two of us are a team. Team TJ. And it was a hard road to get here. If I can give one single piece of advice its remember the kids. I know you are hurting. Don't lose sight of how important they are to both of you. You are divorcing, not using a child as a pawn to hurt your former partner. And, it gets better. Life has a way of going on. What you do with it is your choice! Make it good.
I was walking my daughter to school this morning and I ran into a neighbor. We started to chat as I do. Random nonsense really. That's how I roll. As I was talking to her though I could see that she was starting to crack but didn't want to pry. As I said my good bye she said "Hey one more thing! We're going through some hard times and I was hoping you can be my extra set of eyes on the boys in the neighborhood and at school." I said of course and I asked are they having a hard time lately? At that point the tears just wouldn't stop. Shes lost. She said they are divorcing and she doesn't even know what to do. Is she going...is he? And where? Shes got school, the kids have school....
Anyone who's been through a divorce knows where she is right now. When I see people in this place it instantly takes me back to the pain and anguish living hell of going through the experience myself. I get it. I know exactly how she feels. I let her know that I have been divorced with children and if she ever needs to talk, vent cry, scream I am here.
I thought by sharing my story, my mistakes, milestones with you that maybe it can help or at least make anyone there now not feel so alone. No matter how long you've been married or what age you are its never easy. Especially when children are involved. We made so many mistakes, we hurt each other so deeply and most important we hurt our son. That is one thing in my entire life that I would take back first. Its been years and still I wish we would have handled it differently.
I was 17 when I started dating him. My senior year in HS. I had a troubled home life and found myself kicked out of my mothers house in the middle of the school year. His mother was kind enough to open her home and let me stay in a spare bedroom. He and I had been dating only a few months. He was southern, gentle, funny, kind and polite. A good person. Of course, we were nothing alike. His parents were still married, they owned their home, had been there for years, dad coached sports, mom baked cookies. Their family was everything I never had.
After High School, we got a tiny efficiency apartment and started our life together. We were young and had our freedom. We just had a good time. He became my best friend. I loved him. He was good to me.
Naturally after living together for awhile he thought the next step must be to get married. He proposed to me in our tiny little living room/kitchen. We married, the next year came our son, Tony Jr. And we just kept playing house. Neither of us really having a clue what we were doing. We just did what we thought we were supposed to do.
Four year later we divorced. Its not at all surprising really. We were not at all equipped for the commitment of marriage. We loved each other but not passionately as a man and woman should. And at first it was friendly.
Then came the shitstorm. We went through a very nasty custody battle. The likes of which movies are made. We lost sight of who we were fighting for and were just trying to hurt each other at all cost. He made false abuse claims to CPS, I picked at every single thing they did or said and made myself nuts. We had shouting matches and everything but a knock down drag out fist fight. We fought over money, school, medical needs, religion! We just fought. Constantly. We couldn't talk without fighting. Most of the time we thought we kept it out of the sight of our son but he picked up on the animosity and began to use it to his advantage. The kid is not dumb. He played right along. THAT is my biggest regret.
In the ten years since our divorce our lives have both changed so much. We've both remarried, I have two more children. He has three more. After all the hurt and pain my former husband and I are partners in raising our son. I respect him and I am proud that he's my "baby daddy". His wife, my husband and the two of us are a team. Team TJ. And it was a hard road to get here. If I can give one single piece of advice its remember the kids. I know you are hurting. Don't lose sight of how important they are to both of you. You are divorcing, not using a child as a pawn to hurt your former partner. And, it gets better. Life has a way of going on. What you do with it is your choice! Make it good.
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