The Disposable Daughter
I am constantly learning and growing in this life. I am always surprised. Things I thought I had long since buried resurface and I am forced to face them point blank. Today was one of those moments. It has put me in a full on anxiety attack. The likes of which I have not experienced in years. After I puked my guts out a bit ago the feeling lingered. I reflected and I have decided the only way I can make my mind still is to share. I have to type it out, get it off my chest and try to release the chaos that is swirling in my head. So bear with me, my mind is racing faster than my fingers can form the words.
I got a friend request on Facebook a few days ago. I have seen the little girl post on my nieces page and assumed she was one of her friends. I was flattered and accepted. Over the next few days I noticed a lot of her status updates were sad, defeated and depressed. I thought I have to try to find out whats going on with her. When I clicked on her page I realized...it was my cousin's daughter. The cousin who was raised as my sister when we were children. The cousin who is a drug addict, compulsive liar and all around terrible mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much but she is so far gone. I am so upset with her for putting her kids though the same thing we went though as kids. It makes me sick. But....at the same time, I know why she is that way. We lived the same life. I was there. She didn't get this way on her own. Sometimes I am jealous. Days like today. She stays high to push the memories away. I am forced to feel them, all of them. Like being hit by a train. Days like today I wonder who the lucky one is. My rational brain says me. My anger, and resentment and pain so deep says her.
But I digress. So, seeing these heart breaking comments her daughter made compelled me to reach out to her and let her know she is not alone. I lived her life as a child and although I am not making an excuse for her mother, shes had a really hard life too. We've seen and experienced things that shatters the soul. I told her that if she needs someone to talk to, a grown up she can trust who understand I am here to listen anytime. She asked me "I just dont understand my mom. Why is she the way she is?" I exhaled hard and began to type. I told her I wasn't exactly sure why is age appropriate to share but we were molested as children and this type of thing can make a person feel unworthy of love and anything good in life. It makes a person feel helpless and as if there is no reason to try. Sometimes we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. Its hard to go through life when you have been violated by someone who is supposed to protect you and love you.
I didn't mention WHO abused us. Only that it was a trusted adult. I said if anyone has ever touched her in a way that made her uncomfortable she could tell me and I will believe her. Not that anyone has but if she feared not being believed I am here. I tried to give her some comfort. I told her that its not her fault that her moms the way she is. She loves her very much and her addiction is not about love even if it feels that way.
I felt like I reached out to her, opened my heart to her and instead she sent me a message saying she didn't believe me, shes deleting me off her list. It felt like a punch in my stomach. It took the wind right out of me. All of the feelings from my childhood came rushing back. I ran upstairs and immediately puked. No one believed me then either. I felt hurt, I felt vulnerable, I felt like I had done something wrong...
...But then I realized that I am the grown up now. And this is a child who desperately needs to know that someone is on her side no matter what. Not out of obligation, just because. I swallowed my fears and replied back that I respect her choice and if she decides she needs an ear, my offer never expires. She then says something that nearly brought me to my knees. "...I don't want to talk to you. I've been told all about you."
And there it is. My entire life I have been made the bad guy because I tried to tell them what had been happening to me. Its easier to call me a liar than to face it. I was shunned and treated like a bad child, a shit starter, a piece of garbage for even saying such a thing.
What I didn't tell my cousin's daughter was that it was her own grandpa. My uncle. My cousin's father.
I have never shared the details of the abuse but he did not attempt to abuse me until she was no longer easy to access. My uncle, his wife and kids lived with us. My aunt divorced my uncle and took my cousin with her when she left. My uncle remained in our home.
One night while my parents were at the bar, my siblings were already asleep I was lying on one end of the sofa and he was on the other. I felt grown because he let me stay up later and watch TV. I felt special. Occasionally he'd glance down at me and smile. I smiled back because I was getting a special treat. But after a bit I felt his feet move. He pushed my legs apart and had his foot pressed firmly in my crotch. He scooted a bit closer and began making little circles with his toes. I was mortified. I was frozen with fear. He looked at me and smiled again. It was a different smile. When I close my eyes now, even 25 year later the smile haunts me. I didn't feel special after that moment. I felt scared. I felt trapped. I felt bad. I didn't know what to do. My parents were gone. Everyone else was asleep. I decided to stay completely still and act as if I was asleep. Maybe he would stop if I was asleep. I don't know how many minutes passed and thank GOD my parents came in the front door. My uncle got up and left the house. As soon as he was out the door I burst into tears and drug my parents into the bathroom to tell them what happened. They were shocked. I felt relieved. They told me to go to the basement (my bedroom) and don't open the door until they say. I thought they were going to fight. I thought my dad would kick his ass and tell him to leave our home and never come back. I was wrong. The next morning when I came upstairs he was asleep on the couch.
I was six.
He denied it. It was never spoke of again. To this day i am expected to attend family functions when he is present. When I refuse I am a bitch. I wont have MY children anywhere near him. I have to bear the scarlet letter for wanting to protect them. Its like rubbing salt in a wound that never heals.
I know now in retrospect that he tried to pick up with me where he left off with her. It makes me sick to think.
That was only the first time I was molested as a child.
The following summer I was invited to a family friends summer home. Her uncle asked us if we wanted to throw our suits on and head to the swimming hole. Of course we were ready to go in less than five minutes. I didn't know how to swim so I didn't go past knee deep. Her uncle said he would teach me to swim. He pulled me out to the water and told me to lie back and relax. He said floating was the first step. I did. He started gently moving me around in the water and I relaxed a bit. Just when I relaxed, he put his fingers inside my bathing suit bottoms. The shock made me jump up and wiggle away. What I didn't realize was I was in water over my head. I could not touch bottom. I was panicked. I flailed my arms and legs but it was no use. I want underwater twice. The water burned my lungs and eyes I reached out for him. It was all I could do to survive. He finally reached out and helped. He said " I told you to trust me." I was so stunned and coughing and again trapped. He told me to lie back again, and repeated. This time I didn't try to get away but I was far from relaxed.
Later that night I told my friend's grandma what happened. She said that was ridiculous and that his hand must have slipped in the water...that's all. When we got back to my house on Sunday she told my parents I had misbehaved and was not going to be invited again. I got my ass beat that night.
To this day I am terrified of water. I can swim pretty well but if I water in my nose I have a panic attack.
But that's not all, it happened yet AGAIN by an older cousin about a year later. He was 19. My dad let him live with us because his step mom was very mean to him. She would lock him out of the house for days to fend for himself. What he didn't know is while he was trying to help, he put me at risk.
I woke up one morning to someone spooning me. That didn't scare me. I had two siblings and my sister and shared a bed until we were teenagers. We snuggled. What happened next was NOT normal. I will spare you the details. It wasn't my sister. It was my 19 year old cousin and it wasn't cuddling. At the time my dad was in jail and my mom was sent to rehab so there wasn't even anyone to tell. Not that they would believe me anyway. I was just shy of age 8. My childhood was stolen. At 34, I still can not stand to have anyone spoon me with their arm anywhere near my neck. It makes me jump straight out of bed.
Instead of focusing on the resentment I have about the things that happened and not being believed I am going to try to make it positive, if that is possible. I want to raise awareness. I want to educated. Sharing my story is not easy but if a child tells you something is going on, as hard as it is to face BELIEVE HER. Reassure her even if you don't know WHAT the right answer is that you will find out together and you will protect her. Not being believed hurt more than the abuse. Don't do that to her. She needs to know she's not bad and she didn't cause it.
My cousin, the one who's dad abused us she went on to have four daughters. I feel guilty every time I think of them. Because nothing was ever done about my uncle its as if I allowed them to be abused. No one did anything. I didn't press charges and its probably way past the point anything can be done but knowing its possible he could have hurt them it fills me with such anxiety. I feel somehow responsible. There is no way to know. I assume the worst.
This is the short and somewhat incoherent version because I just had to get it out. In the future I will share with you what to look for in behavior of abused children and predators. How to protect your kids from this ever happening but for now I am spent. Emotionally exhausted.
I got a friend request on Facebook a few days ago. I have seen the little girl post on my nieces page and assumed she was one of her friends. I was flattered and accepted. Over the next few days I noticed a lot of her status updates were sad, defeated and depressed. I thought I have to try to find out whats going on with her. When I clicked on her page I realized...it was my cousin's daughter. The cousin who was raised as my sister when we were children. The cousin who is a drug addict, compulsive liar and all around terrible mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much but she is so far gone. I am so upset with her for putting her kids though the same thing we went though as kids. It makes me sick. But....at the same time, I know why she is that way. We lived the same life. I was there. She didn't get this way on her own. Sometimes I am jealous. Days like today. She stays high to push the memories away. I am forced to feel them, all of them. Like being hit by a train. Days like today I wonder who the lucky one is. My rational brain says me. My anger, and resentment and pain so deep says her.
But I digress. So, seeing these heart breaking comments her daughter made compelled me to reach out to her and let her know she is not alone. I lived her life as a child and although I am not making an excuse for her mother, shes had a really hard life too. We've seen and experienced things that shatters the soul. I told her that if she needs someone to talk to, a grown up she can trust who understand I am here to listen anytime. She asked me "I just dont understand my mom. Why is she the way she is?" I exhaled hard and began to type. I told her I wasn't exactly sure why is age appropriate to share but we were molested as children and this type of thing can make a person feel unworthy of love and anything good in life. It makes a person feel helpless and as if there is no reason to try. Sometimes we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. Its hard to go through life when you have been violated by someone who is supposed to protect you and love you.
I didn't mention WHO abused us. Only that it was a trusted adult. I said if anyone has ever touched her in a way that made her uncomfortable she could tell me and I will believe her. Not that anyone has but if she feared not being believed I am here. I tried to give her some comfort. I told her that its not her fault that her moms the way she is. She loves her very much and her addiction is not about love even if it feels that way.
I felt like I reached out to her, opened my heart to her and instead she sent me a message saying she didn't believe me, shes deleting me off her list. It felt like a punch in my stomach. It took the wind right out of me. All of the feelings from my childhood came rushing back. I ran upstairs and immediately puked. No one believed me then either. I felt hurt, I felt vulnerable, I felt like I had done something wrong...
...But then I realized that I am the grown up now. And this is a child who desperately needs to know that someone is on her side no matter what. Not out of obligation, just because. I swallowed my fears and replied back that I respect her choice and if she decides she needs an ear, my offer never expires. She then says something that nearly brought me to my knees. "...I don't want to talk to you. I've been told all about you."
And there it is. My entire life I have been made the bad guy because I tried to tell them what had been happening to me. Its easier to call me a liar than to face it. I was shunned and treated like a bad child, a shit starter, a piece of garbage for even saying such a thing.
What I didn't tell my cousin's daughter was that it was her own grandpa. My uncle. My cousin's father.
I have never shared the details of the abuse but he did not attempt to abuse me until she was no longer easy to access. My uncle, his wife and kids lived with us. My aunt divorced my uncle and took my cousin with her when she left. My uncle remained in our home.
One night while my parents were at the bar, my siblings were already asleep I was lying on one end of the sofa and he was on the other. I felt grown because he let me stay up later and watch TV. I felt special. Occasionally he'd glance down at me and smile. I smiled back because I was getting a special treat. But after a bit I felt his feet move. He pushed my legs apart and had his foot pressed firmly in my crotch. He scooted a bit closer and began making little circles with his toes. I was mortified. I was frozen with fear. He looked at me and smiled again. It was a different smile. When I close my eyes now, even 25 year later the smile haunts me. I didn't feel special after that moment. I felt scared. I felt trapped. I felt bad. I didn't know what to do. My parents were gone. Everyone else was asleep. I decided to stay completely still and act as if I was asleep. Maybe he would stop if I was asleep. I don't know how many minutes passed and thank GOD my parents came in the front door. My uncle got up and left the house. As soon as he was out the door I burst into tears and drug my parents into the bathroom to tell them what happened. They were shocked. I felt relieved. They told me to go to the basement (my bedroom) and don't open the door until they say. I thought they were going to fight. I thought my dad would kick his ass and tell him to leave our home and never come back. I was wrong. The next morning when I came upstairs he was asleep on the couch.
I was six.
He denied it. It was never spoke of again. To this day i am expected to attend family functions when he is present. When I refuse I am a bitch. I wont have MY children anywhere near him. I have to bear the scarlet letter for wanting to protect them. Its like rubbing salt in a wound that never heals.
I know now in retrospect that he tried to pick up with me where he left off with her. It makes me sick to think.
That was only the first time I was molested as a child.
The following summer I was invited to a family friends summer home. Her uncle asked us if we wanted to throw our suits on and head to the swimming hole. Of course we were ready to go in less than five minutes. I didn't know how to swim so I didn't go past knee deep. Her uncle said he would teach me to swim. He pulled me out to the water and told me to lie back and relax. He said floating was the first step. I did. He started gently moving me around in the water and I relaxed a bit. Just when I relaxed, he put his fingers inside my bathing suit bottoms. The shock made me jump up and wiggle away. What I didn't realize was I was in water over my head. I could not touch bottom. I was panicked. I flailed my arms and legs but it was no use. I want underwater twice. The water burned my lungs and eyes I reached out for him. It was all I could do to survive. He finally reached out and helped. He said " I told you to trust me." I was so stunned and coughing and again trapped. He told me to lie back again, and repeated. This time I didn't try to get away but I was far from relaxed.
Later that night I told my friend's grandma what happened. She said that was ridiculous and that his hand must have slipped in the water...that's all. When we got back to my house on Sunday she told my parents I had misbehaved and was not going to be invited again. I got my ass beat that night.
To this day I am terrified of water. I can swim pretty well but if I water in my nose I have a panic attack.
But that's not all, it happened yet AGAIN by an older cousin about a year later. He was 19. My dad let him live with us because his step mom was very mean to him. She would lock him out of the house for days to fend for himself. What he didn't know is while he was trying to help, he put me at risk.
I woke up one morning to someone spooning me. That didn't scare me. I had two siblings and my sister and shared a bed until we were teenagers. We snuggled. What happened next was NOT normal. I will spare you the details. It wasn't my sister. It was my 19 year old cousin and it wasn't cuddling. At the time my dad was in jail and my mom was sent to rehab so there wasn't even anyone to tell. Not that they would believe me anyway. I was just shy of age 8. My childhood was stolen. At 34, I still can not stand to have anyone spoon me with their arm anywhere near my neck. It makes me jump straight out of bed.
Instead of focusing on the resentment I have about the things that happened and not being believed I am going to try to make it positive, if that is possible. I want to raise awareness. I want to educated. Sharing my story is not easy but if a child tells you something is going on, as hard as it is to face BELIEVE HER. Reassure her even if you don't know WHAT the right answer is that you will find out together and you will protect her. Not being believed hurt more than the abuse. Don't do that to her. She needs to know she's not bad and she didn't cause it.
My cousin, the one who's dad abused us she went on to have four daughters. I feel guilty every time I think of them. Because nothing was ever done about my uncle its as if I allowed them to be abused. No one did anything. I didn't press charges and its probably way past the point anything can be done but knowing its possible he could have hurt them it fills me with such anxiety. I feel somehow responsible. There is no way to know. I assume the worst.
This is the short and somewhat incoherent version because I just had to get it out. In the future I will share with you what to look for in behavior of abused children and predators. How to protect your kids from this ever happening but for now I am spent. Emotionally exhausted.
I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteSince posting my story I have been contacted by friends near and far to say they lived the same childhood. The main theme was "Thank goodness. I feel like less of a freak knowing I wasnt the only one." I just want to say that this issue is our societies dirty little secret. It should be less taboo. We didnt do anything wrong. Its not a poor reflection on the rest of the family as a whole. If you feel it is, thats your problem to work on. We shouldnt be held back to save the family from feeling uncomfortable. My biggest resentment was not the abuse, it was the fact that my pleas were not taken seriously by the people I trusted most. Second, the men who abused me were completely unaffected by the experience. They could still come and go as they pleased head held high and I was forever changed. Its not fair to children.
ReplyDelete