If You Could...Would You?
It's hard to even imagine I'd ever come to a day when I'd be able to say this but...
If someone asked me if I could bring Mike back, would I? The answer today is absolutely not. There was a point in my life that I prayed it was just a dream and to please wake up to my ordinary life. But things have changed with time. The only way I can really describe it is I'm finally coming out of a fog. Things that made perfect sense once seem so irrational now.
I would absolutely not bring back the Mike that he was at the end of his life. He didn't even like himself. To some that may sound cruel and cold but he was a stranger in the last months and weeks of his life. I am sure he didn't even recognize himself in the mirror. It would be selfish to bring him back just for the sake of him existing.
It would be more detrimental to the kids to be raised by someone who refused to acknowledge his illness. The chaos and fear they would feel would form who they become. My son would grow up to think the behaviors were typical and my daughter would look for this in a man one day.
As cold as it may sound they would have much more road blocks in life having lived a childhood this way. As it stands now we have accepted this one life changing event and we work through it and make peace with its reality. But to expose them for life to that scares the hell out of me. That's all I wanted them NOT to have. I certainly didn't want their dad to die but I didn't want to see him tormented either. He'd likely not have gotten treatment. Realistically I know we'd end up divorced eventually. I know the pain would still come for all of us. Just prolonged and different.
There was only one thing I wanted as a parent from the day I found out I was expecting my first child 20 years ago: to provide them with a stable loving memorable safe childhood. If their dad continued to live in denial they would never know any of those things. They were not even born before their dad started changing. They honestly didn't get to know the Mike I knew once.
I try not to play the "what if" game because the possibilities are endless. I have grown a lot in the past 5 years. I'm positive this loss and the experiences since has made me a better mother and person.
...and I'm still learning and growing, maybe someday I will read this and roll my eyes? Maybe this is just a coping mechanism I'm employing to get through the process? Who knows? It is where I am right now. It's working for me. I just do whatever works day to day.
*if you or someone you know is suicidal help is out there. Ask for help. Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday**
If someone asked me if I could bring Mike back, would I? The answer today is absolutely not. There was a point in my life that I prayed it was just a dream and to please wake up to my ordinary life. But things have changed with time. The only way I can really describe it is I'm finally coming out of a fog. Things that made perfect sense once seem so irrational now.
I would absolutely not bring back the Mike that he was at the end of his life. He didn't even like himself. To some that may sound cruel and cold but he was a stranger in the last months and weeks of his life. I am sure he didn't even recognize himself in the mirror. It would be selfish to bring him back just for the sake of him existing.
It would be more detrimental to the kids to be raised by someone who refused to acknowledge his illness. The chaos and fear they would feel would form who they become. My son would grow up to think the behaviors were typical and my daughter would look for this in a man one day.
As cold as it may sound they would have much more road blocks in life having lived a childhood this way. As it stands now we have accepted this one life changing event and we work through it and make peace with its reality. But to expose them for life to that scares the hell out of me. That's all I wanted them NOT to have. I certainly didn't want their dad to die but I didn't want to see him tormented either. He'd likely not have gotten treatment. Realistically I know we'd end up divorced eventually. I know the pain would still come for all of us. Just prolonged and different.
There was only one thing I wanted as a parent from the day I found out I was expecting my first child 20 years ago: to provide them with a stable loving memorable safe childhood. If their dad continued to live in denial they would never know any of those things. They were not even born before their dad started changing. They honestly didn't get to know the Mike I knew once.
I try not to play the "what if" game because the possibilities are endless. I have grown a lot in the past 5 years. I'm positive this loss and the experiences since has made me a better mother and person.
...and I'm still learning and growing, maybe someday I will read this and roll my eyes? Maybe this is just a coping mechanism I'm employing to get through the process? Who knows? It is where I am right now. It's working for me. I just do whatever works day to day.
*if you or someone you know is suicidal help is out there. Ask for help. Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday**
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