DREAMS BETRAY ME REGULARLY

Any time I ever dream about Mike anymore it's that he was deployed and died in action but that he didn't actually die. Instead he began a life where he was, got engaged and then came home. Only to tell me he was engaged and no longer loved me and painfully points out all the ways I failed him. How I was a bad wife. There is a lot of screaming and crying and throwing things in these dreams. I wake up so exhausted and sad. In a way the rejection and abandonment I feel is no different than being left for another woman except he can't tell me all the ways I failed our marriage. My mind does all that for me. Some days I think this really sucks. I know consciously it's not my fault. In my dreams my heart begs to differ.

It make me feel emotional and weepy the whole next day. I'm sensitive and reactionary. I don't like the fragile feeling. I'm far from being fragile.

Last night in the dream he told me the relationship he had was done. He broke it off. I didn't believe him. I demanded to see his phone. I wanted to see for myself. He reluctantly handed it to me. I looked down buy decided that I couldnt. I wouldnt. Instead I threw the phone it hit a glass window and shattered. And then I learned his entire family knew about them. Knew he was alive all the time and just didn't tell me. I was embarrased, ashamed, broken. I ran out the back door and fell to my knees and just sobbed. They just stood behind me looking disgusted and said I was overreacting. I should have seen it coming. I was not an asset to my husband. His fiance is. I thought about all the sacrifices I made to support his career and to stand by him when he was intolerable. It made no sense. They didn't tell me how I was bad to him only that I was not good enough.

I know this is a total buzz kill of a blog but these dreams literally zap all the joy from my day afterward. I have to let it out in the universe to hopefully make peace with it. This is just how it is. No bullshit. No matter how good my life becomes there is always the nightmares. My subconscious mind reminding me I've got work to do yet.

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