4th Calendar Year

It's 2017 and that means it's the 4th Calendar year since Mike died. For the most part my life has gone on. Whether I like it or not. And I can't complain terribly much. My kids are healthy, we have a great home, I have a job and volunteer work and a really devoted partner now. There are some things though that will never be the same. I am learning to accept them.

One of the odd little things is I started watching NCIS again on Netflix. It's a show that Mike and I watched daily. Some moments it makes me sad and others remind me of snapshots in time when we sat together in unassuming, uneventful evenings watching together.

I accept that he's gone and I will not see him again on this earth. I hold on to the memories. I cherish all those moments that seemed insignificant at the time. I understand now just how significant they were.

One thing I have noticed is I still can't see a military funeral without losing it. It doesn't matter if it's on TV or a movie or on real life. I am instantly back in that moment. I've always gotten emotional seeing a funeral but now I relive the loss, the pain, the anguish the disbelief. I have always tried to empathize with the mourners. How awful for them?! But now I find myself not knowing where empathy and personal loss meet. That line blurs. I know it will take time to come to terms with it and get a handle on filtering the two but not yet am I there.  It's something I'm working on.

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