Weddings, Funerals and Anniversaries
It seems like my biggest triggers in the past few years are Weddings, Funerals and Wedding Anniversaries. Its pretty obvious why. I still do my best to confront those anxieties. At first I avoided them at all cost...making any excuse to get out of attending. I just could not bring myself to be involved in any way. I knew fully how unfair it was to those celebrating. I knew it was selfish and I felt remorse but I couldn't get past my own "pity party".
Last year I attended the first wedding since Mike died. I was asked to help with the decorating of the reception and I could not refuse. It was a good friend of Sean's. She actually helped raise his son. It was the least I could do. I didn't want to be there. Not because of the people, I didn't oppose of the union...it was just so painful for me to see couples in love and celebrating. It felt like being sucker punched in the gut. I did not sit through the vows, instead I stayed in the reception area decorating and preparing for the party. At one point I could feel the tears collecting in my eyes and felt that lump in my throat. I found a storage shed near the venue, crumpled down onto the concrete step and just sobbed. I cried hard. I finished, reminded myself this isn't about me and my loss but about them starting their journey. I was lucky I had 11 years married and 20 years friendship with my "soulmate". Some people live their whole lives not knowing that feeling.
I missed over half of the entire event. I didn't want to put a damper of the beautiful day. I refuse to be a dark cloud. I put on a smile and did what I thought was needed and expected out of me. It was an emotionally exhausting day.
Since 2013 i've lost many. I have not attended one single funeral though. I cant even hear TAPS on television without bawling. The day he died was not the hardest day of my life because I was in such a fog. It was the day of his funeral that will forever be the most painful in my life. Honestly, I don't recall how I got to the funeral or who I was with on the drive. I don't remember much of anything only the feeling of utter devastation. I remember fainting during the 21 gun salute. I remember opening my eyes and seeing the fear and pain on my mothers face. I remember the sounds of crying and seeing my eldest son's father, my first husband walk up and literally melting in his arms. It was the only safe moment I felt that day. I was lost. My mind was spinning. I could not process rationally what had just happened. I could only feel...
Since then, I associate funerals with that day. I'm terrified that if I do attend I will be overcome with emotion and look like a fool, making a scene. I'm afraid it will become not about the person being memorialized and about my overreaction. The world doesn't revolve around me. I don't want to make anything harder for others. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. I am reminded over and over with every death since my husband's. I relive that grief along with the grief for the latest passing. I feel loss so much stronger since he died. Sometimes it feels like I am starting the grieving process all over again.
Wedding anniversaries are another really sensitive occasion for me. It is getting better with time and with acknowledging its a problem. When I was married and still now I was immensely proud of our marriage. I stuck by him through the Marine Corps. He was deployed in a war zone four times in just the last few years he was active duty. We had three kids. We moved cross country twice after they were born. We survived recruiting duty which is a very stressful special duty. I stayed by his side through his illness. I honored our vows of "Good times and bad" "Sickness and health"...I was a good wife when I should have just thrown up my hands and said ENOUGH! I lied for him, I covered for him, I made excuses for him. I basically became sick right along with him. He didn't hold up his end of the agreement. I fully understand he is no longer here s a result of his sickness but it doesn't make me any less resentful when a couple celebrates their special day. It is such an accomplishment. Such hard work and dedication. I realize this now more than ever. I don't shatter into a million pieces when I see a Facebook dedication to a spouse as I once did. I am truly happy for them but I think it will always sting just a little because I gave our marriage my all. I still struggle with thinking "was it a success or a failure?" I will think success some days because I loved him and honored him as I promised until death. Other days I think failure because no one should die that soon and in that way.
And now for my current anxiety...my little sister is getting married in a week. I am so incredibly happy for her. I adore her husband to be. I have helped in every way to plan and prepare for this wedding. I support them 100% My anxiety is that I want to be present for every moment of this day for HER. I want to focus on her happiness and her celebration. I just know emotions will be there. We lived together when Mike died. The wedding is back home where he died. I have yet been capable of sitting through the vows being repeated from one's lips to the other's heart. The vows that I took so seriously and still hold so close. I just don't want to embarrass her or take away from a single moment of her amazing day. I just don't know if I am strong enough. we leave in a few days and I haven't even packed yet. I wish I could get out of going even though its a very special day and I can't imagine not being by my only sisters side. Its the worst feeling to have. I'm going. I am not going to disappoint her but I will never forgive myself if I can't stay present and focused for her. These are the moments in life you cant take back and cant do-over. Grief, even three years on...can be such a self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed issue from the outside looking in. We aren't trying to hurt anyone else with our actions (or ultimately REACTIONS in some cases) were really trying our hardest to avoid more pain inflicted on ourselves and you too. Its impossible sometimes. That's healing. Its impossible to predict what will happen. We can only try our best to prepare for the possibilities. Avoiding these things will only delay my healing. We will never get OVER IT, we can get THROUGH IT. Its going to be uncomfortable at times but I think that's how we know were growing.
Anchorman, Ron Burgundy said it best...That's about where I am at now.
Last year I attended the first wedding since Mike died. I was asked to help with the decorating of the reception and I could not refuse. It was a good friend of Sean's. She actually helped raise his son. It was the least I could do. I didn't want to be there. Not because of the people, I didn't oppose of the union...it was just so painful for me to see couples in love and celebrating. It felt like being sucker punched in the gut. I did not sit through the vows, instead I stayed in the reception area decorating and preparing for the party. At one point I could feel the tears collecting in my eyes and felt that lump in my throat. I found a storage shed near the venue, crumpled down onto the concrete step and just sobbed. I cried hard. I finished, reminded myself this isn't about me and my loss but about them starting their journey. I was lucky I had 11 years married and 20 years friendship with my "soulmate". Some people live their whole lives not knowing that feeling.
I missed over half of the entire event. I didn't want to put a damper of the beautiful day. I refuse to be a dark cloud. I put on a smile and did what I thought was needed and expected out of me. It was an emotionally exhausting day.
Since 2013 i've lost many. I have not attended one single funeral though. I cant even hear TAPS on television without bawling. The day he died was not the hardest day of my life because I was in such a fog. It was the day of his funeral that will forever be the most painful in my life. Honestly, I don't recall how I got to the funeral or who I was with on the drive. I don't remember much of anything only the feeling of utter devastation. I remember fainting during the 21 gun salute. I remember opening my eyes and seeing the fear and pain on my mothers face. I remember the sounds of crying and seeing my eldest son's father, my first husband walk up and literally melting in his arms. It was the only safe moment I felt that day. I was lost. My mind was spinning. I could not process rationally what had just happened. I could only feel...
Since then, I associate funerals with that day. I'm terrified that if I do attend I will be overcome with emotion and look like a fool, making a scene. I'm afraid it will become not about the person being memorialized and about my overreaction. The world doesn't revolve around me. I don't want to make anything harder for others. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. I am reminded over and over with every death since my husband's. I relive that grief along with the grief for the latest passing. I feel loss so much stronger since he died. Sometimes it feels like I am starting the grieving process all over again.
Wedding anniversaries are another really sensitive occasion for me. It is getting better with time and with acknowledging its a problem. When I was married and still now I was immensely proud of our marriage. I stuck by him through the Marine Corps. He was deployed in a war zone four times in just the last few years he was active duty. We had three kids. We moved cross country twice after they were born. We survived recruiting duty which is a very stressful special duty. I stayed by his side through his illness. I honored our vows of "Good times and bad" "Sickness and health"...I was a good wife when I should have just thrown up my hands and said ENOUGH! I lied for him, I covered for him, I made excuses for him. I basically became sick right along with him. He didn't hold up his end of the agreement. I fully understand he is no longer here s a result of his sickness but it doesn't make me any less resentful when a couple celebrates their special day. It is such an accomplishment. Such hard work and dedication. I realize this now more than ever. I don't shatter into a million pieces when I see a Facebook dedication to a spouse as I once did. I am truly happy for them but I think it will always sting just a little because I gave our marriage my all. I still struggle with thinking "was it a success or a failure?" I will think success some days because I loved him and honored him as I promised until death. Other days I think failure because no one should die that soon and in that way.
And now for my current anxiety...my little sister is getting married in a week. I am so incredibly happy for her. I adore her husband to be. I have helped in every way to plan and prepare for this wedding. I support them 100% My anxiety is that I want to be present for every moment of this day for HER. I want to focus on her happiness and her celebration. I just know emotions will be there. We lived together when Mike died. The wedding is back home where he died. I have yet been capable of sitting through the vows being repeated from one's lips to the other's heart. The vows that I took so seriously and still hold so close. I just don't want to embarrass her or take away from a single moment of her amazing day. I just don't know if I am strong enough. we leave in a few days and I haven't even packed yet. I wish I could get out of going even though its a very special day and I can't imagine not being by my only sisters side. Its the worst feeling to have. I'm going. I am not going to disappoint her but I will never forgive myself if I can't stay present and focused for her. These are the moments in life you cant take back and cant do-over. Grief, even three years on...can be such a self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed issue from the outside looking in. We aren't trying to hurt anyone else with our actions (or ultimately REACTIONS in some cases) were really trying our hardest to avoid more pain inflicted on ourselves and you too. Its impossible sometimes. That's healing. Its impossible to predict what will happen. We can only try our best to prepare for the possibilities. Avoiding these things will only delay my healing. We will never get OVER IT, we can get THROUGH IT. Its going to be uncomfortable at times but I think that's how we know were growing.
Anchorman, Ron Burgundy said it best...That's about where I am at now.
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