What if I cant?

Since Mike's death I have been committed to not allowing his death be in vain. I promised myself that I would make a difference. I would help others feel not as helpless and small, confused and alone as I did. I would share our story in an effort to try and prevent other veteran suicides and comfort the survivors too.


What if I cant? What if am just not equipped to truly do anything? I will never ever say he died for nothing. If nothing else I have grown as a person, as a mom, as a woman and as a member of society. I am more patient with others. I am more kind. I ask how others are doing and genuinely care to hear their reply. I hug my kids more. I value my relationships. I know that all connections with others must be fostered. I work harder to show the one I love how important they are to me.

What if that's all there is to it? What if that's what I am supposed to take away? What if my difference is less of a roar and more of a whisper? 

Should anyone really listen to me anyway? I am no expert. I am not a doctor. I am not qualified to advise anyone on grief. I only write what I know and I only share what I have experienced. Is that enough? I offer it as sincerely as I can. Not as an "I told you so" but as a "I know what your are or will be feeling because I have been there." Am I wasting my time and yours? Some days I really do wonder. 

I'm just a girl who lost her husband to suicide and I'm daily trying to make sense of it all. I am not unique. There are far too many like me. 22 vets die by suicide, they say. I say that's a conservative guess. That's a possible 22 widows...just like me. Made daily.

I got the TAPS newsletter today. I noticed the national suicide seminar is not October like last year but in September. It took my breath away. I hate September. The seminar is two weeks after Mike's 3rd year gone mark. One week after what would have been his 42nd birthday. That's a really hard time for me. I was supposed to help facilitate a workshop on Family Dynamics after Traumatic Loss but maybe I am not ready or I will never be. Like I said, I'm not qualified. It really seems like the more time that passes the less I know. 

What I do know is: I loved. I lost. I hurt. I care. 

If what I share if helpful I am grateful. If not, at least I have an outlet for whatever it is I am currently feeling. I also have a record of the highs and lows...the progression of my personal growth here in my blog. I don't know what my next move will be. I am not sure what I am supposed to do with this. I will just keep waking up and having faith. 

Nothing about this is easy. That much I know.

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