WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST STAY DEAD?!

I had a dream last night. One like many others I've had since Mike died. As dreams go they usually don't make a whole lot of sense but I think got the message this on intended. I woke up sad but relieved in a way.

In the dream Sean, the kids and I were all goofing around in the living room. It was just an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. The doorbell rang. I opened it to see Mike standing there and I was speechless. Sean could tell by my body language something was wrong so he came over. The look on his face was as if all the light had drained from his soul. Mike said "I'm here to take my family back..." I still couldn't say anything.

Sean then kissed me on the cheek and told me he should go. And he did without so much as a misstep. Out the door and he disappeared.

Mike was back but it was the same Mike he'd been in the months leading to his passing. IN MINUTES the kids realized it. The same tension  that thick presence had returned to our home. Everything the kids and I had worked on in the past two years was just taken away. He was already yelling at the kids and asked me if he could speak to me in the bedroom.

He began screaming at me that I had been cheating on him with Sean. I was a whore. I could hear the kids outside the door crying.

All the safety and security Sean and I built for them disappeared. And so did Sean. I told him he had no right to come back now. He was ruining our life and  WHY COULDN'T HE JUST STAY DEAD?!

I woke up in tears. Never would I imagine uttering those words. But I have been thinking about it all day. I think the message is to not build Mike up into this fantasy work of fiction. He was a real person with really serious problems and although he wasn't in control, our lives are healthy and happy now. To appreciate that.

We may long for what once was but we sometimes forget that life was as hard, but a different type of hard when he was alive. He refused treatment. At that rate he would never recover. He would expose our kids to such dark habits that they too could being to adopt them. I would probably end up being the one to take my life because I could not protect them from him and I could not convince him to get help.

I did the place  this part of my life but I am thankful for the stability and tranquility I've been able to provide my kids. THEY HAVE A FIGHTING CHACE IN LIFE. I will always love him but my kids are first. The new life we're creating is a good one. A healthy one. I'm happy I can say that.

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