Suicide

What are the warning signs for suicide?

Following are some of the possible warning signs that a person may be at risk for suicide:

Excessive sadness or moodiness — Long-lasting sadness and mood swings can be symptoms of depression, a major risk factor for suicide.
Sudden calmness — Suddenly becoming calm after a period of depression or moodiness can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his or her life.
Withdrawal — Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities also are possible symptoms of depression. This includes the loss of interest or pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed.
Changes in personality and/or appearance — A person who is considering suicide might exhibit a change in attitude or behavior, such as speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance.
Dangerous or self-harmful behavior — Potentially dangerous behavior, such as reckless driving, engaging in unsafe sex, and increased use of drugs and/or alcohol might indicate that the person no longer values his or her life.
Recent trauma or life crisis — A major life crisis might trigger a suicide attempt. Crises include the death of a loved one or pet, divorce or break-up of a relationship, diagnosis of a major illness, loss of a job, or serious financial problems.
Making preparations — Often, a person considering suicide will begin to put his or her personal business in order. This might include visiting friends and family members, giving away personal possessions, making a will, and cleaning up his or her room or home. Some people will write a note before committing suicide.
Threatening suicide — Not everyone who is considering suicide will say so, and not everyone who threatens suicide will follow through with it. However, every threat of suicide should be taken seriously.

Before Mike died I KNEW the warning signs. I had several friends in my life commit suicide. I also have a personal interest in human behavior. I lived with him and yet, I did not see it coming. We had lived with his behavior for so long that it just his normal. It wasn't sudden. I wasn't shocking or alarming. It was just who he was. I knew he needed help but never once did he mention suicide. Although I do remember being jolted with fear the day he came home with that rifle on Father's Day.

He had all the signs.

Excessive sadness or moodiness — explosive some moments, in tears others. Stoic mostly. Numb.

Sudden calmness — if you read my earlier blogs I've written about his behavior the day he died. He was not anxious. He actually sat in the living room and helped our son with his homework. He played with the kids. He smiled. For a brief moment I thought there was hope that day. Hope he would pull out of it.

Withdrawal — he sat down in our garage alone at least 12 hours a day. Avoiding all responsibilities and his family.

Changes in personality and/or appearance —  he stopped showering. He wore the same clothes for days. Stopped shaving, combing his hair. Just gave up.

Dangerous or self-harmful behavior —  he began drinking after retirement. It became more and more frequent. Eventually it was every night. As I was waking up for work he was crawling into bed wasted. At times he'd stumble in about an hour before I had to be up for work waking me and everyone else. We argued about it at least twice.

Recent trauma or life crisis —  his life completely changed. He went from being a respected Marine to being unemployed. All this on top of the PTSD.

Making preparations —  the weirdest part of this situation. The week of his suicide he took down all of his Marine Corps awards, photos, collectibles in our garage. He told my sister it was so I didn't have to be reminded of the Marine Corps. Looking back I'm not sure what he meant. Was he talking about after he killed himself? That I would blame the Marines? I had never said a bad thing about the Marines. To this day I have so much love for my Marine family. I decided he was not in his right mind so trying to guess was useless. He made a Facebook  "good bye" post an hour before he did it. I didn't see it until the next day. He smashed two external hard drives that night and the last thing he told me was he wanted me and the kids to have a beautiful life.

Threatening suicide — this is the only sign he did not exhibit and I am pretty sure I know why. In 2005 he told me he wanted to kill himself and I took it seriously. I went to his boss and pleaded for help. He knew if he said something I wasn't going to laugh it off.

It makes me wonder now if I had done nothing back in 2005. Did I stop him from going through with it then? Mason was just a few months old. He wouldn't even remember his dad. Kira would never have been born. We got 8 more years with him.

He had all the signs but after living with the behavior for 8 years I didn't put it together in the end. To tell you the truth, his personality was so explosive I actively avoided him. I walked on eggshells. I did what I could to keep my distance. I knew anything could set him off. It was self preservation. I wish I hadn't become so desensitized to what was truly unhealthy behavior.

I don't wonder if I could have stopped him any more. I don't torture myself. I accept what happened and I build my life around it.  If someone you loved took their life don't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. You can't go back in time, only travel on with the memories you shared.

If someone you know is exhibiting these signs get help. If they refuse, reach out for yourself. You can't force a grown person to get help but you can get help to cope with it. I didn't know that back then.