What Hurt The Most

As if losing Mike in such a traumatic and tragic way wasn't enough to shatter my soul, it was only compounded when a mutual friend confided in me that my in laws were telling people I was both directly and indirectly responsible for his death. It's a wound that may never go away. To this day as much as I should hate them for the way they treated me and cut me a day the kids off after he died...I don't. I'm just so hurt.

The day I found out about the rumors I went straight to their house. I stood in their front yard bawling, crying so hard I could barely get the words out. I asked why? WHY WOULD THE SAY SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME? His parents stood right in front of me and denied ever having said anything like that. I apologized for not saving him. I begged for their forgiveness, for choosing my kids over him that night. I told them if I could have saved him I would.

I drove off that afternoon crying so hard I could not see to drive. I had to pull over and scream, cuss, get it out and then dry my eyes.

Despite their denial, several more people told me they heard his aren't say the same thing. We are from a small community. It spread like wildfire. A mom of a friend who lives three counties over even got the rumor.

I did everything in my power at the time of his death to include his parents in the process. I allowed them a portion of his ashes to wear in a special locket at the funeral home. On the day of the funeral I had the guard specifically present the flag to his father. I knew the guilt he felt in Mikes passing. It was he who bought the gun and ammo that Mike used to take his life. I never blamed him. My heart hurt for him. I did this in an act of love and compassion to symbolically say "it's not your fault." I gave a great deal of Mikes military memorabilia to his parents as well. The family has a rich history of patriotic and Nobel service to this country. If anyone deserved it, it was them. I only asked that when their life comes to an end to Please pass these items on to our son. He should know what good Marine his dad was.

I was most hurt by his mother's behavior. She, herself as a young mother with a daughter Kiras age lost her first husband to suicide. She of all people should have know the feelings I had. She had personally been through it. Instead of being the single most knowledgeable and helpful person she blamed me. She wouldn't even speak to me.

looking back now I want to think the behavior was a coping mechanism. It's easier to blame someone than to accept their child could do this. I want to believe she didn't mean to break me with her scathing words and actions.

When Mike was graduating High School his gift from them was a vintage Mustang Convertable. For 20 years he made plans to restore this car. When our son was born he decided he would make it a project for both of them and continue the tradition of passing it on to him when he graduated. He had stacks of binders from paint samples to spark plugs. So many plans.  It turned out the car was in his mother's name and a local organization contacted me to ask how I felt about them donating the car to be used in veterans parades. I was heartbroken because I knew that's not what Mike wanted.  Remember the look in his eyes as he spoke about the incredible bonding experience in would be for father and son to restore this car with their own two hands is now bitter sweet. Either way it won't happen. And mostly because he had so little contact with his family. They just didn't know him at all. They were never close. MAYBE THATS WHY THEY WERE HARD ON ME? THEIR GUILT FOR NOT MAKING MORE OF AN EFFORT? See, I try to rationalize their behavior. Try to help myself understand how I could have possibly made them so mad.

It does hurt. They were my husband's parents regardless. My children's grandparents. People my kids won't even remember. It's bad enough to lose dad but all his family too? How will they connect with him other than the 20 years I knew him?
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I've sent letters, I've called, I've sent photos with no reply to me. I know they got them because his mom sent a card to the kids with a note thanking THE for the photos. They deserve more than a card on their birthday and at Christmas. Their Dentist sends them cards like that. That is the knowing your family. It's like a  obligatory task. I don't care about your money, I don't want you to just drop 50.00 in the mail once a year a day be absent 364 days. I want you to give them your time. Time you may not have much more of. I want you to tell them stories about what kind of kid he was, show them photos of him at their age. Be a fucking grandparent. I'm hurt in so many years ways for babies...your blood. The only living link to your dead son. KIRA IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HER GRANDMA. MASON HAS HIS FATHERS AND GRANDFATHERS  EYES.

It's not only about your grief. He was your son for nearly 40 years. What about our kids? They were so young when he died they might not even remember the sound of his voice or the way he laughed. I know it's hard for you but the kids lost their world that day.  Consider their confusion and sadness, please.

AND AS FOR Donna,

There was a time when I imagined wringing your neck with my bare hands over the things you said and did. Opening a fraudulent memorial account without my consent? Ridiculous. For the longest time I could not let go of the anger and betrayal I felt. Then, you sent that memorial video to the kids on the anniversary of his death. I noticed that the video only consisted of his childhood up until he joined the Marines. There were only two photos that were current. And I was the one who sent them to you. You had no photos of his life as an adult because you didn't know him as an adult. For whatever reason you only saw him once in the last 20 years of his life and it was right before he died. I'm sure you realized that too and your guilt is what made you treat me so poorly. Projecting all that remorse and regret on to me. I hope that his loss helped you prevent losing contact with family. Life gets busy but you never know when it's too late. After viewing the memorial the anger lifted like a fog and I just felt so sad for you. I hope you don't go 15 years without speaking to your mom again. She may not have 15 years. Make the moments count.

I forgive you. All of you. I love Mike more than I dislike the way you have treated me. My kids deserve more. Mikes death left so many unanswered questions but the one thing I'm positive about is that he loved his kids.