THE VA is KILLING ME

***please excuse this rant but I must vent or I may explode***

Mike died 19 months ago. Everyone who reads my blog knows he died 135 days after serving 20 years and retiring. He served 4 tours in Iraq. He first started showing signs of ptsd in 2005 and I personally went to his command and pleaded for help. They brushed it under the rug. Maybe they thought they were helping to save his career by ignoring it. But for whatever reason he was never treated so his condition just worsened over the years. He retired in 2013. That's EIGHT years he suffered. We suffered.

He died at 135 days post retiring. The insurance he had only covered 120 days. No life insurance. He died so early in his retirement he wasn't rated for disability. Since his death we've been fighting for them to rate his death service connected. We weren't even unpacked when he put that rifle in his mouth. So, no survivors plan. No DIC, no education benefits. The VA lost his complete medical record.

I stayed home with my kids for 6 years. I was a stay at home mom up until he died. Before then I worked for some of the largest and most respected corporations in this country. It means nothing now.

Our entire lives are in the hands of this VA determining his death is service connected. Why else does someone take their fucking life four months after retiring? We had a home. We had a beautiful family. We had a life. WE HAD PLANS!

He's gone and I'm unemployed, ruined credit,  I have no vehicle, no money, and we live on social security and a portion of his retirement. Because he hasn't been deemed service connected we do not qualify for a single benefit that could aid my kids and I in surviving after the tragedy.

Ironically we don't even qualify for welfare because of that 900 bucks pension.

He served this God damned country for 20 years. He missed out on half my kids lives while active duty and now the rest of their lives because of his service.

We went from being a proud and patriotic family to nearly being homeless and no one even cares.  The campaigns all talk about 22 suicides a day but they don't mention the complete devastation it has on the family afterwards. I'm not the only one.

My cousin was  KIA in Iraq. There is a street named after him. His family got full benefits. One organization even paid off their mortgage. He's a hero.

My husband died as a result of that same war and I can't even get the government to acknowledge his death. It's dirty. ITS SHAMEFUL. IT MAKES THEM LOOK BAD. They would rather blame the family than accept any responsibility in his condition.

You are killing me slowly. I KNOW he was sick. I lived with him. You can't possibly punish us for his inability to see just how sick he was? Why are you making this so much harder?

My VA rep keeps telling me to have faith and patience. FAITH AND PATIENCE DOES NOT FEED MY KIDS.

I UNDERSTAND THAT MOST VETS LIVE LONG LIVES AND HAVE SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATED THE TRANSITION FROM ACTIVE DUTY TO CIVILIAN LIVE BUT THAT NOT THE CASE FOR US.

I'm a 34 year old widow left high and dry by all sides. I have three kids who lost their father and are watching their mom, the only person they have left slowly fade away.

I spend all my free time advocating for vets. I don't want another veteran suicide but more than that, I don't want another family to go through this shit.

I just held for 32 minutes and 43 seconds for a VA rep to tell me there has been no change in our claim and that the average death claim takes three months. Clearly ours is a complicated case as its been four times that long as still pending. All I could do is sob.

Right now I hate everything about this. I want to forget the last 20 years of my life, change our names, run away and never mention a single word about the Marines, The VA, PTSD or Suicide.

But I know I will get up tomorrow with renewed passion for our vets and keep trying because I owe it to my kids and their father.