Yes, this is my life

In the 20 years my husband was a Marine there was never a question of who's job took priority in our home. It was he who had a contract with the government. His commitment to the country came first above all other matters in our home. He was dedicated and obligated to serve as the Marine Corps saw fit and it was understood by us both. That does not mean I was thrilled when the Marine Corps plans ruined the family's plans but we became accustomed to this unique way of life. He made many sacrifices in those 20 years and although he was living his dream it still took a toll on the family. As a Marine's wife we were taught early on that any sacrifice we made paled in comparison to the Marine we married and to complain of our struggles was blasphemy. Marines are sleeping in sand pits, ducking fire and watching their comrades die while we bitch about them not being able to attend our child's birthday party or something "petty". I believed it too. I did my patriotic...

About a year ago I was on the phone with the head of Peer Mentor Training for TAPS. ( for those that don't know that is the Tragedy Assistance Program a unique non profit that supports the loved ones of service members who have died. Google them...they are amazing.) We were chatting about the upcoming national seminar taking place in Washington DC. He mentioned that it is a great experience but suggested for my first Seminar I should attend the annual suicide seminar because it is so specific to my loss. Well, I know good advice when I hear it! (Thank you Don L!) I was on a plane and headed to Colorado Springs not knowing what to expect. I was nervous and anxious and thought this was going to be emotionally draining and overall depressing being surrounded by so many people in such great pain. My assumption was wrong... First off the resort the event was held was breath taking. The view, the property it sat on, the staff...all top notch. I arrived a day ahead of the kick off for m...

Yesterday I began my journey in alternative medicine treating my ptsd. I worked up the courage to be evaluated for the medical use of marijuana. I had to fight my longstanding uneducated opinion of the topic. All my life I'd seen it used illegally and fell into the stigmatized disapproval. But that's not what I'm writing about today, I digress... I walked into the office and sat with many others in the waiting room. I was struck by how many of them looked no different than me. There were normal average looking citizens waiting paitently. No tie dye. There was no incense burning, just other regular unassuming people looking for help. But one lady in particular caught my eye. When she walked in I could tell she was in a lot of pain. She walked with a limp and was a bit slow. When she sat down I could literally feel her discomfort. How we take for granted the ease in which we plop down to rest. She instead took great care and calculation in her approach. She was clad in a b...

What are the warning signs for suicide? Following are some of the possible warning signs that a person may be at risk for suicide: Excessive sadness or moodiness — Long-lasting sadness and mood swings can be symptoms of depression, a major risk factor for suicide. Sudden calmness — Suddenly becoming calm after a period of depression or moodiness can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his or her life. Withdrawal — Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities also are possible symptoms of depression. This includes the loss of interest or pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed. Changes in personality and/or appearance — A person who is considering suicide might exhibit a change in attitude or behavior, such as speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance. Dangerous or self-harmful behavior — Potentially...

I am biased I guess because I already know what happens when a veteran commits suicide. I've been living it for nearly a year and a half. My husband, a recently retired Marine with 20 years of service took his life in 2013. He left behind myself and our three kids. It's been devastating. I back the Clay Hunt Act because I can't imagine another child crying themselves to sleep at night because their dad is gone. Sure, they had cried many night before as daddy was deployed nearly 3 years total of their life. It was different then, I could tell them he would be back soon. He was our hero. He was not with us so that other girls and boys could grow up in a safe place.  Now when they cry for him all I can do is lie right down next to them and cry too. I can only tell them I am sorry. He loved them to the moon and back and he's now up protecting God in heaven. How could anyone not vote to save  not just the brave men and women  but their little children who sacrificed most of...

I now know my purpose in life is to help others struggling. I never thought I'd be here but God has his ways. I believe He led me here in his divine way. Ultimately my goal is to speak personally and in groups to at risk veterans and their spouses. I want to share my story, offer support, red flags, resources to help prevent veteran suicide and educate them on symptoms and signs of ptsd. I have been on both sides of the illness. Having ptsd is incredibly hard but so is being the caretaker. The condition affects the entire family. I would love to help eradicate the stereotypes that surround ptsd and suicide both. I want it to become as acceptable as to say you have diabetes. I would love to see a group of veterans, surviving spouses, caretakers and mental health pros work together traveling across the country speaking to vets and active duty alike. For instance my husband was a Marine and before retiring took a transition/retirement class. I would love to offer this sort of educa...

I understand there may be hesitation on passing Clay Hunt. If you've never had to rely on the VA for mental health services you'd think programs are currently in place. On paper it looks as though a comprehensive range of services are provided. I can tell you personally it's just not working. I can give you 22 reasons a day. 22 veterans take their lives daily in the United States. My husband was one. He became a statistic on September 15, 2013. It was just four months after he retired from the Marine Corps. He left behind myself and our three children. I became a widow at 34. My children were six, eight and 13 when he died. My youngest, the only girl, may not even remember her father as time goes by. He won't be there to see them graduate, or to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.  Every 65 minutes another child loses their daddy, another wife loses her identity and a family is forever severed. We were not awarded life insurance or death benefits and ...

I think the holiday stress is getting the better of me now. I'm thankful it's almost over and can hopefully have a break soon. Twice today different things have triggered intrusive thoughts. As I type my heart is raving and I'm out of breath. I feel light headed. I was just switching loads of laundry and something fell out of the dryer. At first glance it appeared to be Mikes favorite basketball shorts. But that couldn't be because he was wearing them the night he died. It was enough to take me back to that night. Just that one glance. It turned out they were Masons shorts and they were red not maroon like Mikes. But it was enough to freak me out. And earlier today I had a similar experience at the kids school. We lived in the house Mike killed himself in for 8 months after he died. The cleanup crew used a type of detergent or cleaner in the garage...I don't know what the name or brand is but evidentially the school uses it too. I got on to campus today and was i...

Today on Facebook I spoke to Mikes MOS. For those who don't know what that is is was his job title in the Marines.  They go by numbers. Each set of numbers is a job title. But I digress.... We were talking about it being a year passing and I shared the tattoo I got in his memory. One Marine said he was sharing our story with his friends because it's common for people to assume you must be a combat Marine to develop PTSD. It still shocks me how uneducated the general public is about the condition. So I will share what I shared with them.