Losing Him Has Made Me A Better Person

Some might think that's a terrible thing to say in the wake of losing their spouse so before you prejudge, let me explain. At first I thought I could or would not go on after Mike died. Everything I did in my life was intertwined with his. We shared this life for so long that every part of me: my thoughts, my routine, my beliefs, my actions some how involved him. When he was no longer there it was as if I had lost use of an arm, or my voice, my understanding of life was shattered.

It was a very dark and isolated place to be. So many questions ran through my head. Not just the major life altering questions of his absence but the little day to day snags too. Who would change the oil in my car now? What if the toilet overflowed again? All the things he did for our family before, things that seemed so minute...so insignificant at the time were things I had no clue how to go about alone. The unknown was as scary as facing the reality that he was gone...forever. Not just deployed or training. HE IS NO LONGER HERE.

It was a daily pity party for one in my shattered mind. I was lost. He wasn't here to do the things he always had so it just wouldn't get done. I couldn't think about those things. The loss was too great. So I slept, or avoided, or put off.  Poor me. I had depended on him to tell me what was best. To tell me what I should do in most situations. He wasn't there to tell me so I didn't do...anything.

Slowly I realized I had no other option but to think for myself, for my kids, for our future. If I kept choosing to do nothing, nothing would be done. I realized the power in choice. It gradually no longer looked like an overwhelmingly daunting task but instead it became empowerment. The biggest challenges became the greatest changes in myself after his passing. I am no longer afraid. I know that I can succeed in this life. I was given no other option but in that tragedy came triumph because had I not been placed in that position I would have never realized my potential. I wouldn't have to. I would have remained in my comfortable cocoon of codependency and complete denial.

I now know that I can not only mow the grass myself but repair the lawn mower should it become broken. I can fix a garbage disposal when a kids drops fish tank rocks in it. I can touch all the tools in the garage and know what they are used for because I'm the one who operates them. I can raise my kids alone, provide for them, feed them, make them smile, discipline them and bask in their accomplishments alone. I don't have anyone else to blame when they misbehave but I know for every milestone they meet it was *I* who got them there.

Losing Mike has made me less quick to judge. No one knows what someone else's life is like behind closed doors.  I thought I knew how my life would go before he died. I thought I knew him so well. In the end I was wrong. I may have known him better than anyone else but even I didn't know what was in his head.

I'm more patient now. At first the PTSD prevented me from having any patience. It was absolutely gone. But I was forced to work on myself. Had he not passed I wouldn't have changed traits about me that were less than desirable when he was alive. It was impossible to pick and choose in recovery. It was an unexpected and appreciated surprise. The things I blamed him for creating, I now thank him for.

Situations that would make me furious before, seem petty now. The perspective change made me see the world with less black and white vision. There is a shit ton of gray now.

I'm less sure of myself. The only thing that ever stays the same is that everything changes. By being less sure of myself I find I CA  more easily adapt to the challenges and changes in life. I now now that I'm not done growing. To grow is to change and I welcome it. Resistance is futile.

So when I say I'm a better person now, it's not to say that I'm happy he's gone. Not even a little. I would have been just fine right where I was but life, and God had other plans. Instead of letting it break me. I allowed change to wash over me and embraced this new life. The improved me. Always growing. Always accepting what is but appreciating what was.

I have absolutely no clue what is coming for me in the future and for once I am okay with that. I know whatever happens I can make the best of it.