Understanding Mental Illness and Suicide

I have to remind myself and others that the state of mind Mike was in at the end of his life was not a healthy one. His brain wasn't performing the way it once did. He was anxious, paranoid, hopeless, cynical. Quick to judge. He even became racist. One of the last arguments we had was about him using the "N" WORD. 11 years married and I had NEVER heard him use that word. He became an entirely different person.

While drunk one night he told my sister he wanted to divorce me because I didn't "like to party". That's not funny but really it is. Wed been married over a decade, had three kids and we're closing in on 40 years old. That party barge had sailed long ago. I'd endured his erratically explosive behavior for 8 years and stuck with him with the Marines regardless in sickness and health but yeah, divorcing because I didn't also recently pick up a drinking problem seems legit.

I get so damned mad at him sometimes because there are things he could have done to make our life so much less difficult. He could have acknowledged he was sick early on before it got to suicide ideation, menopausal mood swings and alcoholism. He could have got treatment. He could still be alive. If not at least there would be a medical paper trail detailing his issues. Right now the VA think I just made it all up, I guess. I don't even know.

People ask all the time didn't he have life insurance. He did for 120 days after retiring. It's standard everyone gets it. But beyond that 120 days he had to sign up online for it. (I didn't know about this until after his death of course) he died at 135 days. Someone once told me "well its his own damned fault he didn't sign up to extend it." Yes and no. He wasn't thinking rationally. People who want to kill themselves because they think it's the best way to solve their problems aren't really making the best choices. But yes, we did not receive the insurance because of it. It bothers me. It's bad enough he had to do it but he could have at least made sure his kids could be cared for after the fact. Or the VA could have taken into account his mental state at the time but it is what it is.

The drinking didn't help at all. He became so mean while drunk. It's like everything he ever thought but didn't say sober just came out. I avoided him.  He thought he was having so much fun. I saw through it. I asked him what he was numbing. Why was he staying drunk regularly. Alcohol is a depressant, add that to ptsd and you've got a nightmare. Being the classic enabler I was, I blamed the alcohol. That was the alcohol talking....

Ironically though when his autopsy came back he was completely sober that night. It wasn't alcohol. It was me, it wasn't the kids....it was him.

I can't forget the last few months of his life because it's in those moments of recollection that I can share with others at risk. So that they might connect his behavior and actions with their own but personally I like to remember him the way he was before the madness began.

I'd know him 20 years. I bore his only two children along with my eldest son from my first marriage. We lived in three different states, four duty stations, we had three fish and a dog. We built sand castles at the beach, took family road trips to The Grand Canyon, we said goodbye in four deployments and welcome home safely each time. We carved pumpkins, dyed easter eggs. We were an average family.

Slowly though we were an an average family with a secret. As time went on it was harder to hide. It was harder to make excuses, harder to brush off questions as just him having a bad day etc. Eventually all I could do was stand there with my mouth gaping along with whoever else happened to witness his nonsense.

At the end of his life I was furious with him for not getting help. He didn't want to help himself and that was an insult to our family. If he cared about himself and his kids he would pick up the fucking phone....

In retrospect I know it's not that simple. That's mental illness.

Right before he stuck the rifle in his mouth he came into the bathroom and told me with tears in his eyes "I want you and the kids to have a beautiful life" all I can really say is he didn't help us with that at all. But still I loved him with all of my heart and I have compassion for his condition so I don't blame him at the end of the day.

I'm thankful to have a handle on mental illness. I think it's why I'm not bitter and angry now. I think understanding that happy/healthy people don't commit suicide makes a huge difference in the survivors recovery and grief. Just knowing that they didn't do it to punish you, to make life harder on you, or hurt you makes the pain ease up ever slightly. The truth is they only hated themselves. They were their own worst enemy. Nothing you ever did in your time together was worse than the battle ongoing in their own mind.

You did your best. Remember to reach out and get support. Accept help. GIVE YOURSELF THEY GIFT THEY DIDN'T. Be kind to yourself.

It's always going to hurt and people die by suicide for many reasons but the common denominator is pain. Whether it's chronic physical, mental emotional pain...it's there. You can find support groups, websites, doctors, peer mentors, therapists clergy and friends who are waiting to listen and lend a shoulder. I also rely heavily on my faith but I'm not suggesting it's required.

I do find it incredibly comforting that he's in Heaven but everyone has their own beliefs.

I know ultimately he's no longer in pain. That is a relief although life after loss is so hard. raising three kids alone is hard for a million reasons. Helping my kids cope with his death is heartbreaking. Helping my kids recover after living with his mental illness for as long as they did is equally difficult.

What people dont understand is survivors aren't just healing from the few moments it took for a life to end, it's what led up to that moment. Days, months, years building up. We are also traumatized by the life we're left with after they are gone. The change of  family dynamic, loss or identity, loss of income, sometimes we have to move...it goes on. People who have certain mental illness are genetically predisposed so then you have to be mindful of what the trauma of the loss will do to family members psychologically. If a family member witnessed the event they could be at risk for developing pts.

Personally I couldn't afford to move out of the house he killed himself in. I had to walk past the blood stained spot daily for 8 months before I could save to move us. That had a profound effect on my recovery. I was also diagnosed with PTSD about a month after his death. Sometimes I'm not sure if the particular feeling I have is grief or ptsd or both. Let's just say it makes things more interesting.

Suicide is traumatic alone but it rarely spontaneously happens and it rarely goes unnoticed. It literally changes everything about the people who loved them and losses them. There is an aftershock that can be felt far and wide.