Yes, this is my life

I think there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. I don't always know the reason until I'm meant to know. I am okay with that. When you are of the opinion that nothing is chance the world seems a bit magical and situations can even be divine. Perhaps it's my convoluted imagination or simply wishful thinking. Does it matter? Nope. I'm not hurting anyone or myself in this thinking and it makes me smile. I will give you an example of this occuring:  Tuesday after school I took the kids to Del Mar Beach on base. It is the ONE place where I can almost always feel Mike's presence. It was our place. It's where we built sandcastle with the kids, jumped waves and had several family photos done. It's so strong, this feeling that it brings tears to my eyes just stepping in the sand. So, back to my story...we went to the beach this week. As the kids are jumping in the shallow waves I walked along the shore line. As per my usual I began to tear...

All loss is hard. There really isn't such a thing as an easy death or easier grief that follows the death of a loved one. I have lost many loved ones in my 37 years. The loss is different each time but I can't say any of them were easy.  The deaths most profound in my life were the one l heald closest bonds to naturally.  My best friend died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16. My grandmother died when I was 25. My favorite aunt died when I was pregnant with my middle son. My grandpa died the following year. My husband died in 2013. Like I said, none were particularly easy but of the losses I have experiences the traumatic/sudden/suicides hit me the deepest and took the longest to come to terms with. By the time my husband took his life my best friend had been dead longer than she lived on this earth and I was still not "over" the loss. I knew when Mike died that feeling would be as much or more. Just anticipating the pain coming was unbearable. I knew from my ...

I generally am just entertained by the random nonsense the flows from Sarah Palin's mouth hole. I've told my friends that if Maya Angelou and Dr. Seuss were first cousins and grew up in the same trailer park, Sarah would be their inbred love child. I am convinced her most recent speech was sponsored by Wild Turkey. I typically cant help but not take her incoherent rambling seriously as I cant really decipher what it is shes actually saying. I mean...I hear the words but cant make out her point. Its odd and tragically hilarious. I read somewhere her dad was a retired teacher? Did he teach wood shop? She has no grasp of punctuation AT ALL ! It's fun. However.... Hours before she spoke publicly endorsing  Trump her son was arrested for domestic assault, public intoxication and brandishing an AR-15 threatening suicide. ...but wait there's more! Sarah Palin blamed her son's shitty behavior on Obama, PTSD and war service. This actually infuriates me. Sarah, your s...

Today a mentee asked me how to tell her kids that their father died by suicide. I'm not a doctor or expert by any means so I offered her my person experience in letting my own kids know. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell my kids their dad is in heaven and to follow that with the fact that he took his own life. I know this is a biggie. It weighs on every surviving parents shoulders and in our hearts. It's a nagging anxiety ridden question in our minds. It keeps us up at night. How do we explain something we as adults don't even fully understand?  I read every book, googled, spoke to my therapist, spoke to other survivors and did as much soul searching as I could before I talked to my two youngest children about their dad. I slept on it, prayed on it and really reached deep to find the best way to approach the topic. My youngest two were six and eight when he died. My eldest was fourteen. He had more life experience and could understand comp...

Next week I am off to the Annual TAPS suicide Survivor seminar. I just learned today that several members from the VA and DOD will be present and meeting with the head of TAPS and survivors to gain more insight to the causes and effect of veteran suicide. I was told that I may be able to share my thoughts and also ask questions personally. I'm excited and nervous. I want to give them all that I've learned from survivors and military families at risk.  Some of my questions are about the suicide reports published by the DOD. They cite several commonalities in suicides they've studied. Some of them really bother me. Most of them are fairly generic and barely scratch the surface of the real core issues facing suicidal service members. The first one I can recall off the top of my head is marital issues. All marriages, civilian and military go through periods of strife. The difference I believe is coping skills. If you were to ask 100 couples in which one spouse was dealing with ...

Many traumatic events have occurred in my 36 years of life. My childhood was especially hard. I once thought because I had survived to adulthood I could survive anything. I thought nothing life could hand me was harder than what I experienced as a child. I guess I was wrong. Either my childhood prepared me for what would happen as a woman or it fostered the perfect storm for the PTSD I developed with Mikes death. I think of our souls as tempered glass. It's tough and made to withstand a great deal but is, at its core still glass. And it's particularly telling that I think of glass because I am terrified of glass. I guess it's symbolic in more ways than I even realize. Like I said my childhood was troubled. I don't say this to disrespect my parents in anyway. They did the best they could. But regardless, it's necessary to explain my youth to accept my growth and healing. It is part of who I am.  My parents battled addiction. With substance abuse comes a certain cha...

http://www.youcaring.com/help-a-neighbor/help-wa-veteran-family-from-becoming-homeless/288458#.VK89sduRSk5.mailto My birthday will be Saturday. Despite all the kids and I have been through, God has provided us with health, a roof over our head, food in our bellies and great friends and family to support us through the most traumatic period of our lives. We are truly blessed. We have all we need and some of our wants. With that being said I would like to request a different kind of birthday gift. Please consider helping this vets family. I know them personally. The husband is struggling with PTSD and I know from experience, the stress of financial concerns compounds the ptsd. Even if it's just one dollar. That dollar will show them the military community has their back. We care. If you can't donate please just share on social media. Alleviating some stress can make all the difference in the world. I trust they will make their goal because that's what makes the military com...