False Domestic Violence Allegations and Personality Disorders

Domestic violence is a major issue in our society today, laws have been made to protect those suffering from abuse in the home. It took many years for such laws to be enacted. At one time it was perfectly acceptable for a man to hit, berate and sexually assault his wife. It was considered a valid exercise of authority from husband to wife. We have come a long way. The authorities now recognize this as what it is, abuse. 

Because new laws exist women can live freely without fear of violence. Many women are alive today because the court's protection. With that being said, it is also now being used as a tool by women to exercise power over men in their lives. It's a sad and disgusting result of the very laws to protect us. False allegations of domestic violence are at the very least an insult to women who are abused. It makes efforts to secure protection even harder for women who actually need it. 

If you are going through a divorce or custody issue and file false charges to gain an upper hand in the suit, you are pretty much the most vile woman in my opinion. How dare you? You are disregarding a whole group of women and children who are desperate for protection from a violent abuser. And, for your own personal gain. The resources you are taking to punish your partner are being taken from others who need it. 

False allegations are becoming a new weapon used by women. It's as dangerous as a gun. It's as damaging to the person you falsely accuse. Females who perpetrate such allegations are malicious and mentally disturbed. To say they are self absorbed would be an understatement. It's so much more than that. You are potentially destroying a spouses personal and professional reputation for a lifetime...and all because you want a house or alimony? Thanks for setting the women's movement back and proving to be just as bad as a man who beats his wife within an inch of her life. You are officially no different than that man. 

Wakefield and Underwager (1990) determined that false accusers are much more likely to have a personality disorder such as histrionic, borderline, passive-aggressive, or paranoid. False accusers appear to be highly defensive and rigid, to have poor insight and a tendency to deny personal shortcomings. They tend to be extremely concerned about and sensitive to how others perceive them.False accusers tend to confuse feelings with facts. A woman may “feel” abused or may “feel” the children are being abused, when, objectively speaking, no abuse has actually occurred (Zepezauer, 1994).

Wakefield and Underwager (1990) found that:

[False accusers] are likely to misperceive the behavior of others and to react to stressful situations in maladaptive ways. Depending upon the specific personality disorder, they are characterized by instability of mood, impulsivity, inappropriate emotional overreactions, a need for approval and attention, and difficulties handling anger and conflict.

False accusers also have an obsessive hatred of and anger toward their ex-partner, so much so that their hatred and anger become a driving force in their lives. False accusers are individuals who hate their exes more than they love their children. Their hatred and anger trumps the needs and much ballyhooed best interests of their children.

What do we know about men who become the targets of false allegations of abuse?

They tend to be your average nice guy who has a more nurturing and passive personality. These men are unlikely to be socially aggressive or competitive and tend to lack insight into their personal relationships, which may explain why so many of these men are thrown for a loop when their ex throws them under the bus — even when she’s made threats throughout their marriage to call 911 and have him arrested (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).

Additionally, these men, because of their sensitive and caring natures, may be more vulnerable to relationships with needy and manipulative women. Once in a relationship with a high-conflict (HCP) and/or abusive personality disordered woman (APDI), they may behave somewhat passively as they continue to naively hope that everything will magically work out in the end.

What are the identifiable characteristics of false allegation cases?

Ross and Blush (1987; 1990) have found certain patterns that characterize false allegation cases. For instance:

1. The allegations start after separation and legal action commences.
2. There’s a history of family dysfunction with high-conflict and other hidden underlying issues.
3. Again, the female accuser is often a histrionic or borderline personality.
4. The female accuser takes an angry, defensive and justifying stance.
5. The accused male parent is generally nurturing, passive and lacks “macho” characteristics.
6. In alleged sexual molestation cases, the child is typically a female under the age of 8.
7. The allegations surface via the custodial parent who is typically the mother.
8. The mother takes the child to an “expert” who corroborates the abuse and identifies the father as the culprit.
9. The court reacts to the expert information by terminating or limiting visitation.

Ross and Blush also determined there are primarily three types of false accusers: the histrionic, the justified vindicator and the borderline.

The histrionic personality appears anxious and presents herself as the victim of her ex. She describes herself as physically and/or psychologically abused by her ex and worries that the children are also in danger of being victimized from him. She projects or superimposes her feelings, fears and distortions onto the children. She seems to have “unusual and inappropriate” sexual concerns about the children and may regularly examine the children’s genitals and take them for frequent medical examinations.

The justified vindicator initially presents as assertive and organized with a justifiable argument supported by “facts, figures and opinions supporting her evidence.” She comes across as outraged and worried about her ex’s behavior. However, as most high-conflict types do, she becomes resistant, hostile and passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive upon cross-examination of her claims. She’s likely to try to discredit any evaluator or law enforcement official that questions her assertions and may threaten to sue or file an ethics complaint.

The borderline personality has intense and chaotic interpersonal relationships and is prone to intense valuation and devaluation. They will attempt to punish others who they believe have abandoned or hurt them. False allegations are a highly effective way of doing this.

In my practice, I coach many men through the divorce process. Prior to pulling the pin and telling their abusive wives that the marriage is over, I help my clients create a safe exit strategy. I use the phrase “pulling the pin” deliberately, because divorcing an abusive, high-conflict and possibly personality disordered woman is often very much like handling a live grenade.

I warn every single male client who is about to divorce or break-up with an abusive partner that he may be at risk for becoming the target of false allegations.

Many men can’t comprehend how or why their partner or ex could fabricate such a lie. Even when their wives have threatened to call 911 during the relationship to intimidate and control them, they still have a difficult time believing that it could happen to them. Men whose wives or girlfriends have threatened to call the cops during their relationship to intimidate or control them are especially at risk should they decide to separate.

Counseling is not a consequence.

False allegations, even if they’re later disproved, rarely result in a completely happy ending for the accused and the children. Family court and law officials must begin implementing serious consequences — beyond the anemic “consequence” of outpatient counseling — for both women and men who make false allegations. Perhaps if women who are inclined to make false allegations knew there would be real life consequences such as jail time, fines and loss of custody, they wouldn’t be as likely to see making false allegations as a viable option.

Now that we've covered the type of woman who is likely to file false charges let's jump into why I'm sharing this today: I am currently dealing with such a person. I have been concerned that she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder since I first came in contact with her family. Her behavior is textbook. It's as if she's the poster child for the condition. I have extensive experience with this particular disorder. I intentionally looked for ways to dismiss my initial thoughts and hoped I was wrong. You see, this is one of the most difficult personalities to manage. They can be like a ticking time bomb in certain scenarios. The behaviors they exhibit affect everyone they come in contact with. 

What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

I can give specific examples of how all of the necessary criteria fit her personally. Extreme reactions with perceived abandonment? When her husband finally broke and he asked for a divorce she flew into a frantic flurry. She hit him, ripped his shirt and bawled and then begged for him to reconsider. She then tried to seduce him and acted shocked when sex didn't convince him to reconsider. She threatened to commit suicide if he proceeded.  When she realized her mania wouldn't change his mind she went on the offensive. She quickly filed for divorce first, had all of his guns removed from the home. Quickly made an appointment with a mental health care provider and got a record of her alleged anxiety, and fear of him. 

She was a chronic adulterer. For at least 75% of the 12 years married. Not just one man but several...in several countries. It had nothing to do with the marriage but the inability to fill the void she felt inside. Most happened during minor separations from her husband. It was as if she couldn't stand being alone. If her entire identity was wrapped up in it. Co-dependent is not even a good term for this behavior.

She threatened suicide several times within the marriage. Always when she felt as if she was possibly losing her husband.

She has no close friends. She could make friends but could not keep them longer than a few months. Most women have life long girlfriends since childhood. She did not appear to have a single relationship remotely near this.

She told her husband that every man she ever maintained a relationship with abused her. This was actually my very first indication there was something bigger going on with her. She also indicated that her relationship with both parents was either nonexistent or contentious. She did not have a single healthy relationship.

When facing her divorce she became obsessed with making her husband an evil villain. More than that, she began planting the seed of her role as a victim. She called every family member and friend they had fishing for sympathy and any information they may have. I personally witnessed this entirely embarrassing situation for her husband. She actually called his parents and his teenage son to inform them of the pending divorce. She did not ever have regular contact with them during the relationship. He hadn't even told them of the decision to divorce. 

After he asked for a divorce she refused to move on. She instead installed a deadbolt lock on their marital bedroom door and accused him of having secret cameras installed in the home and poisoning her dog. The paranoia was so irrational it seemed manufactured.  At one point she burst into the office while we were chatting via Skype. She slammed the video camera down and accused us of spying on her. The office door had been closed and I didn't even know she was in the home during the conversation. It was really concerning. I was actually at a loss for words. She literally addressed me personally. Stating some nonsense about not giving me permission to record her. I had absolutely no idea what she was referring to. 

She filed a temporary restraining order on him last week.  She did everything a false allegation perpetrator does. The complaint was almost comical and a little sad. It's sad to know someone can be that depraved and sadder to know that she's doing this to someone I care for very much. But, we both have experience dealing with people who are troubled. 

False allegations are unlawful. They can be proven as retaliation in response to a divorce case. Criminal and civil charges will apply. Perjury certainly doesn't help a spouse in a divorce. The interesting part of dealing with a person with BPD is they are irrational and impulsive. They almost never think in the long term. They are into immediate gratification. While that complaint might have felt like vindication it was short lived. I'm sure she will be moving on to the next twisted attempt to hurt him when it proves to be ineffective...