Yes, this is my life

After Mike died my life silently spun out of control. I was doing anything I could to numb the pain. I was drinking, smoking pot, taking prescription drugs. People would just hand me something and tell me it would help. It was completely acceptable in the scenario. After all my husband just killed himself feet from me....from my family. They all had the best intentions. I was making bad choices, I slept with an old flame who was married. All terrible coping methods that really just made things worse. I hadn't touched drugs since I was a teenager. And then I had only smoked pot a few time and tried acid. I was never into substance. I wasn't even a drinker before Mike died. Most of our arguments before he died was about his excessive drinking and there I found myself doing it too. Irony, hypocrisy. I finally felt as if I couldn't go on. I didn't want to hurt myself I just didn't want to wake up when I went to sleep. My sister and I decided to check me in to the psyc...

***please excuse this rant but I must vent or I may explode*** Mike died 19 months ago. Everyone who reads my blog knows he died 135 days after serving 20 years and retiring. He served 4 tours in Iraq. He first started showing signs of ptsd in 2005 and I personally went to his command and pleaded for help. They brushed it under the rug. Maybe they thought they were helping to save his career by ignoring it. But for whatever reason he was never treated so his condition just worsened over the years. He retired in 2013. That's EIGHT years he suffered. We suffered. He died at 135 days post retiring. The insurance he had only covered 120 days. No life insurance. He died so early in his retirement he wasn't rated for disability. Since his death we've been fighting for them to rate his death service connected. We weren't even unpacked when he put that rifle in his mouth. So, no survivors plan. No DIC, no education benefits. The VA lost his complete medical record. I stayed ...

I've talked before about the most recent DODs  "findings" regarding servicemember/vet suicide. They cited "domestic discourse" as the common denominator. I laughed. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY!  Have you ever met someone with an undiagnosed or ill treated or newly developed case of ptsd or tbi? None of their marriages are picturesque.  You're going to find it almost all ptsd cases of a married individual. They also cited financial issues. PTSD specifically turns molehill into mountain. We cannot cope with every day stressors the way we used it. Don't blame it on the family. GO DEEPER. IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE AND WANT TO HELP FIX IT! Let me drop some numbers on you here: one-third of all our countries homeless people are combat vets. 76% have drug alcohol and mental health issues. I firmly believe that happy healthy people don't turn to drugs and alcohol. It's a symptom of a deeper issue. People want to treat addiction but don't touch WHY they use ...

I had a dream last night. One like many others I've had since Mike died. As dreams go they usually don't make a whole lot of sense but I think got the message this on intended. I woke up sad but relieved in a way. In the dream Sean, the kids and I were all goofing around in the living room. It was just an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. The doorbell rang. I opened it to see Mike standing there and I was speechless. Sean could tell by my body language something was wrong so he came over. The look on his face was as if all the light had drained from his soul. Mike said "I'm here to take my family back..." I still couldn't say anything. Sean then kissed me on the cheek and told me he should go. And he did without so much as a misstep. Out the door and he disappeared. Mike was back but it was the same Mike he'd been in the months leading to his passing. IN MINUTES the kids realized it. The same tension  that thick presence had returned to our home...

Lately my 8 year old daughter has been relying on her cuteness to get her out of trouble and responsibility. Maybe it's the age, I have no idea. She would rather spend her time in the morning brushing her hair just so, than eating breakfast before school. Tonight I decided to start teaching her the art, the secret and the responsibility of being a woman. I explained to her that it doesn't hurt to be beautiful in life but some girls stop there. They rely on their looks to get them where they want to do. They define themselves on their looks. Your looks can only take you so far and looks fade. We get old. It's just not enough for a woman to be what society deems as "beautiful". There are two things that are more important than that. Intelligence and a sense of humor. Being intelligent enough to know when you should use that beauty to your advantage and having a sense of humor to laugh when people say you're too pretty to be smart. I knew I was smart before I ...

There are three men in my life that since childhood I have trusted explicitly. Jaime Valenzuela, Sean McGee, and Kenny Loveless. They have loved and protected me for 25 years and have always been there for me in thick and thin. The relationship was special with those three and even to this day I know for a fact that if I called them and told them I needed help their first reply would be "who's ass needs kicking?" It would NOT matter who, or if I were right or wrong they had my back. Today we lost one of those guys and in a way the world feels a bit less safe. We learned that Kenny passed away. He will be sorely missed by so many. We grew up together in a small farming community in Missouri, in the same neighborhood just one street away. There was a group of neighborhood kids who were together daily usually mobbed up in one or the other's front yard. We were as thick as thieves. For the most part even though half of us moved far away and we all grew up to have lives ...

Without sounding like a creepy stalker I feel a very intense connection to you personally. My husband was also a veteran who died way too soon. I became a widow at age 34. My husband had just been retired for 135 days. Our children were the same age when their daddies died. I know that your husband is hailed a hero, that his life and death has received such intense media attention, and he was a hero indeed. But it's you I think about because when the cameras stop rolling and the bright lights switch off you are like me, just a veterans widow who loved her husband very much and who has to look in her babies eyes knowing you can't fix the pain they feel. You cant bring him back when they cry out for him. I know how it feels to lose your identity in minutes. To know in that moment everything for the rest of your life has changed. The enormity of loss that comes and makes a home in your heart. There's just a empty place now. Nothing can fill it and we honestly don't want ...

You've seen them. The social media comments that seem to come out of nowhere. They are filled with such hate you have to do a double take because you can't believe what your reading. You may assume the poster has a personal beef with the receiver or you are missing something because it's so personal. So disrespectful, so inappropriate. You may have just sighted a not so elusive social media troll.  They are growing in number. They spend most of their day making personal attacks at celebrities and random people on social media. I've always been really intrigued by what motivates people. WHAT they say isn't as important as what made them say it. I have several categories of trolls but what I've always found is their home life is really tough. It doesn't excuse at all the repulsive and repugnant attacks online but it can give you some insight into why they would dare to even hit send. Knowing the profile of a person like this makes me so much less offended. I...

Pearl Jam - Black (Unplugged 1992): https://youtu.be/5ChbxMVgGV4 I distinctly remember the first time I heard this song. I was 14 years old. Something about the pain behind it brought me to tears. I didn't understand why I just knew it was the best I'd ever heard. I am 36 and it's still my favorite song. 22 years and the last line always gets me. "I know some day you'll have a beautiful life. I know someday you'll be the sun in someone else's sky but why...why can't it be mine?" The most tragically romantic thing I had ever heard in my entire life. I have never told anyone about it. About how it spoke to me. How that one line made me weak in the knees everytime. The night Mike died the last thing he said to me is "I want you and the kids to have a beautiful life..." He couldn't have known. It had to be a coincidence. OR WAS IT? If it wasn't I would have told him I was his. Through all the illness, the years and tears...

Sometimes I try  not to mention Mike's death in public not because I'm ashamed or because I want to forget him but people...men especially have a crazy urge to try to "save me". I am having a rough time but I don't want gifts, or pity or handouts. I want and will do this on my own. What I want is an opportunity to prove myself, on my own merit to successfully raise my children. I want to be self sufficient. I know I am capable and competent. What I lack in some areas I more than make up with my sincere desire to support and assist others. I know a little about a lot of things. I'm a fast learner and as we can all see I can adapt in even the most stressful situations. I will grab this life by the balls and set a good example for my kids. We will not only survive this but come out better, stronger, wiser. So please, don't try to save me. When I speak of my experience it's not to garner sympathy. It's to help others who are going through it too or ...

If I could share anything with you its this: Don't put your life and goals on hold while your spouse lives his dream. I don't say that in a derogatory manner. What I mean is, you can support them emotionally in their pursuit but don't forget about you. A lot of us become moms and choose to stay at home. Although I was not a young mother and had a career before staying home, I was home with the kids for nearly seven years. I am from a financial/insurance background. In just those seven years the industry and  economy completely changed. You can't predict the future. I had no way of knowing my husband would die, his insurance would expire and my prior employment history would be pretty much useless. I thought things were fairly secure. I had no idea that the life insurance had to be elected after 120 days of retiring. My husband was not in the state of mind before his suicide to even shower regularly so financial issues among other things were grossly neglected. Know ...

As the kids and I were walking off school campus today and past the front office there was this enormous sound to the left of me. I was holding Kira hand as I always do but instinctively I threw her down to the ground and was about to jump on top of her when I realized what I was doing. My adrenaline was pumped and my heart was racing. I realized a kid had thrown a rock and it hit the office window. I didn't of course, realize this...until I threw my 8 year old to the ground and the sea of parents staff and students took notice.  I was starting to think that I'd overcome the response before today. I guess it doesn't happen every single time I'm startled. Not like it did in the beginning. Right now in the safety of my home my heart is still beating quite rapidly but mostly I'm just embarrassed because half the school saw me freak out. The good news is the school years almost over. Next year someone else  can be the crazy mom. I will pass that torch on with pleasur...

I would like to volunteer as a surviving widow of veteran suicide to reach out to spouses and family members of vets who have also committed suicide to start compiling data on events leading up to their passing. It's a sensitive subject but for me personally I would like to know that my husband's death could help prevent others from the same fate. As a survivor to another I have to ability to identify and share the unfortunate bond. I think if we had a collection of facts such as if the vet suffered with mental Illness  or chronic physical pain prior,if they got help with the VA and what their experience was in dealing with them. Did they have peer support, we're their changes in behavior or opinions. There are many questions that can be answered. If we begin to see a pattern, commonalities we can narrow some things down and focus specifically on certain areas with veterans, especially those at risk. I want facts from people not from PR reps with the VA or DOD. I'm c...

I have to remind myself and others that the state of mind Mike was in at the end of his life was not a healthy one. His brain wasn't performing the way it once did. He was anxious, paranoid, hopeless, cynical. Quick to judge. He even became racist. One of the last arguments we had was about him using the "N" WORD. 11 years married and I had NEVER heard him use that word. He became an entirely different person. While drunk one night he told my sister he wanted to divorce me because I didn't "like to party". That's not funny but really it is. Wed been married over a decade, had three kids and we're closing in on 40 years old. That party barge had sailed long ago. I'd endured his erratically explosive behavior for 8 years and stuck with him with the Marines regardless in sickness and health but yeah, divorcing because I didn't also recently pick up a drinking problem seems legit. I get so damned mad at him sometimes because there are things he...

sure, they may have the nicest cars and go on amazing vacations, have huge homes etc. but I can overlook all that. As a matter of fact there are a ton of reason we regular people are better off. I will list my top ten. they are as follows in no particular order: * no one has ever taken a photograph of my vagina as I'm getting out of a car. * I can get up in the morning, throw on sweatpants to go for coffee and no one even notices. There are no tabloids suggesting I'm pregnant, or on drugs for the next month. I just got coffee. * I will never appear in an unflattering collection of "celebrities without makeup"  *no one is ever going to awkwardly ask for my autograph under a restroom stall wall. *if my tit should fall out of my blouse in public, it won't be captured by paparazzi. I will just make a mental note to not go to said location for awhile. *there will never be a sex tape of me in night vision for sale on the Internet. *no one is ever going to steal my dirty...

Thank you for getting me this far. It's been a little tough but I trust you have a plan and I will continue on to complete whatever it is you intend for me. I have not lost faith. Not even after Mikes death. It has never waivered. I will continue to serve you in serving others, helping them through their struggles in mental health and grief. I know that is one reason you put me here. This much I am sure of. But right now I am scared and confused and I am feeling overwhelmed and small. I am really struggling. I truly believe his death was related to his time in war. His mental health was not well. Daily I struggle with the government to even acknowledge his cause of death. If I am wrong, if they are right...please give me the peace to let it go...to accept it. Because I'm making myself miserable, sick and exhausted fighting for him and I'm not sure if I should give up although I feel in my heart it's the right thing to do. If I'm meant to continue to fight please gi...

Mike and I were married for 11 years. When our third child was born we made the decision for me to stay at home with the kids. Prior to her birth I had worked for some really amazing corporations and was in demand in my field but we both felt staying home was best for our family. For the rest of his career I was at home with the kids. My youngest child entered elementary school the year he retired. It was time then to go back to work. Six years had passed and although I had great education, references and work history there was still a huge gap in my employment. We had also entered an economic crisis in the time I was a stay at home mother. I knew the job market would be tough. I was fortunate that Mike had his post 911 educational benefits and was furthering his education along with part time employment to supplement. I basically had to start from the bottom in my career. I was willing to because I knew together Mile and I could financially swing it and you have to start somewhere....

I was recently asked about our transition after Mike retired and we made our last move cross country into civilian life in our home town. It was a whirlwind looking back but much like other changes in the past very cyclical. There was usually a pattern. The final transition was no different. Mikes depression/ptsd always seemed to let up a bit when changing shops, commands, new duty stations. I always noticed a glimmer of hope. He seemed lighter. I think he really was convinced the struggles he had were the result of his current environment and not within himself. If you say something so many times you can really believe it to be true. He was so convinced that retiring and moving on would fix everything. The weeks leading up to us packing up and leaving Pendleton were exciting and fun. He smiled more. He seemed more relaxed. We set out for Missouri in February of 2013. We decided to take our time driving a day enjoy the sites, state parks and attractions from California to Missouri. T...

Tonight while waiting in a very long slow line at the gas station a boy who looked to be no more than 19 stood impatiently in front of me. I could tell he was a Marine. You just know when you see one after being married to one for 11 years. He turned to make eye contact with the car load of friends waiting for him and made the gesture I hate the most. The finger gun to his head. I cringed. I didn't say anything standing there in a crowded station but after we both paid I walked over to his car and gave his window a little tap. He opened the door and got out politely. I told him I was sorry to bother him but I noticed the gesture he made in the gas station. I told him I could tell he was a Marine and my husband was a Marine too. He committed suicide much the way you joked with your friends just moments ago. His eyes began to well up with tears. I told him that seeing the gesture mocked really hurt my feelings and could others who have also lost loved ones this way. I told him I did...

This is not directed at any individual within the Department of Veterans Affairs but the Organization as a whole. You have failed my family when we needed you most. My husband was in the delayed entry program with the Marines. He retired in 2013. He committed suicide just 135 days after retiring. This means he was dedicated to the  Corps before he was even an adult and then for his entire adult life. If you look at his headstone it reads Persian Gulf, Iraq, Afghanistan. He essentially gave his life to this country. I was never one to stir the pot while he was active duty. I followed him around the country for his career. When he was deployed I parented our three children alone...and proudly because he was fighting for the US. I didn't compain. He was gone over half of my children's life. About a third of our marriage. He died on Sunday September 15th  2013 at 11:19PM. He put his rifle to his mouth and pulled the trigger.  One shot. He was gone in the blink of an eye....

As if losing Mike in such a traumatic and tragic way wasn't enough to shatter my soul, it was only compounded when a mutual friend confided in me that my in laws were telling people I was both directly and indirectly responsible for his death. It's a wound that may never go away. To this day as much as I should hate them for the way they treated me and cut me a day the kids off after he died...I don't. I'm just so hurt. The day I found out about the rumors I went straight to their house. I stood in their front yard bawling, crying so hard I could barely get the words out. I asked why? WHY WOULD THE SAY SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME? His parents stood right in front of me and denied ever having said anything like that. I apologized for not saving him. I begged for their forgiveness, for choosing my kids over him that night. I told them if I could have saved him I would. I drove off that afternoon crying so hard I could not see to drive. I had to pull over and scream, c...

People who know me personally know there is a man in my life now. He's warm, sincere, affectionate, supportive and he loves me even though at times I'm a mess. We've been living together for about a year now. He is a godsend and he loves my kids like he made them himself. He loves them the way my dad loves me. Something I could only dream and pray for after their father passed. We are truly blessed. Things have become pretty serious for us. We are a family now in every sense of the world. As a matter of fact, Sean just put an offer on a bigger house with a great yard across the street from a fantastic school. We've discussed spending the rest of our lives together. He feels like home to me and my little ones have taken to him as if he's always been there. Our home is a happy one. We are solid. We've tossed around the idea of getting married someday. We've even discussed the possibility of him adopting the kids legally. I know he'd do anything for them....

What are the warning signs for suicide? Following are some of the possible warning signs that a person may be at risk for suicide: Excessive sadness or moodiness — Long-lasting sadness and mood swings can be symptoms of depression, a major risk factor for suicide. Sudden calmness — Suddenly becoming calm after a period of depression or moodiness can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his or her life. Withdrawal — Choosing to be alone and avoiding friends or social activities also are possible symptoms of depression. This includes the loss of interest or pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed. Changes in personality and/or appearance — A person who is considering suicide might exhibit a change in attitude or behavior, such as speaking or moving with unusual speed or slowness. In addition, the person might suddenly become less concerned about his or her personal appearance. Dangerous or self-harmful behavior — Potentially...

I was sincerely grateful when you noticed my story and spoke about it on television in January. Before that night I was convinced no one cared. You gave me the strength to keep fighting for Veteran Suicide Awareness and Prevention. The truth is I can't change a thing that's happened to my family but I can help others from feeling this black hole of emptiness after their loved one takes their life.  My story has become a cautionary tale. It's everyone's "worst nightmare". Just today a friend told me she "thinks of us often and it gives her perspective. Things can always be worse."  I could only giggle because I don't feel like anyone's worst case scenario. Life has handed us a really tough hand. I want my story to be heard. I want others to know they aren't alone. I want it to be known that this is happening to military families every single day. My story is NOT unique. Sharing this is not to lay blame on any person, group, or organizatio...

I began noticing certain behavior with my daughter's group of friends while at school for various events this year. Behavior that I don't like at all. It's a budding evil really and it grows like ivy. Once it starts it spreads quickly. It's something that continues on through a lifetime. It's a behavior that can become such common place in the lives of girls that they accept it as "normal". They don't even notice it. It's bullying. It's isolating, it's elitism, it's hurtful to see. Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? Well, my daughters best friend is the leader, Regina George. If she were a real person. *TO PROTECT HER IDENTITY FOR THIS BLOG ENTRY I WILL CALL HER REGINA* She dictates everything that happens in their group of friends. And Kira ADORES her. I'm happy she has a friend. I am hesitant to even publicly call attention to the situation because I don't want to make things more difficult for my poor child but if the ...