Marriage

The dream post earlier has me thinking. The truth is...I hope I do get married again in my lifetime. I hope I can have that relationship. The bond that commitment brings. It's the one thing I know I can be good at. I guess, given my track record it appears otherwise. Divorced one. Widowed once. But I did love both men and the life we shared together. I learned a great deal from the experiences.

I say I'm never marrying again. I'm not cut out for it but I long for it. I like the security. I've never been unmarried as an adult and it's something I'm not taking for granted. I'm learning to "just be". As a person. An individual. 

I just don't see myself alone at the end of my life. I look at little old couples and wonder if I will get my chance to grow old with someone who will stick around into our golden years. I notice young parents with their first baby. The glow, the uncertainty and the love they exude hurts my heart. I think they are so lucky. Life is hard with a new family. It takes a ton of work and dedication. But there are so many things to look forward to for them.

I'm 35. Gosh, actually I will be 36 soon. Three months. I had a tubal ligation after the birth of my youngest. Nearly 8 years ago. I'm done having babies. I've got a terrible marriage rate. I've got three kids and no real plans in life. Not exactly "marriage material". But yet, I still dream of one day being someone's spouse.

I want the fairy tale. I've never been proposed to properly. I got married in a drive thru in Vegas with no one but Mike to share our moment with. We honeymooned with Mike in Iraq. Didn't live together until we were married almost 8 months. We always said we'd have a honeymoon make-up someday. It never happened with eleven years married. I just want what all girls want. I want to be promised forever. I want the promise to be kept. 

Will it actually happen? Eh, who knows? If not I will enjoy what I have and put that behind me like so many other hopes and dreams. Life is funny that way. god gives us what we need not what we want. 


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