Yes, this is my life

Today while I was in Michaels Crafts, I passed the floral department and they had memorial flower arrangements displayed and for whatever reason I just broke down....like a blubbering idiot. My anxiety skyrocketed and I began to hyperventilate. I stood there staring at them and made a choice. I decided to get the supplies to make Mike a St. Patricks day arrangement and I will take it to him Saturday. I will finally take the kids to visit his headstone at Jefferson Barracks. I was in his parents neighborhood today and stopped off to see them. I got to the door took a deep breath and knocked. I invited them to come along to take the kids to the cemetery. It will be good for all of us. I'm really trying my best to be kind and keep some sort of relationship with them. They agreed to attend without hesitation. Whew... I also told them about our move in June and invited them to Kira's birthday party next weekend. They invited me in and we talked for about 45 minutes. We cried togethe...

Tonight I just want to give up. I'm tapping out.  This shit is too hard. I can't do this alone. I concede.

Yesterday, Mason and Kira both lost a tooth. This morning when I was reading The Lorax to Kira she looked up at me and smiled. Her two front "beaver teeth" are coming in finally. It occurred to me that she lost both of those after Mike died. He never got to see her with big girl teeth. For a brief second I was crushed. But then I giggled to myself. I remember when Mason started growing his in. Mike and I giggled about that tiny little boy with those ginormous teeth poking out of his gums. They seemed so big in his tiny mouth...much like Kira's are now. I know for a fact he would tell her she was beautiful regardless. The teeth made her even more so. It's the tiny little things that happen everyday that I wish he could share. They are getting so big. He's been gone six months and so many things have changed. It's been about the length of one of his deployments. I remember him coming home from his trips and noticing how much they grew in that time.  I take comfo...

I write for many reasons. The main reason is that it's my therapy. Well, one form anyway. I see an actual therapist weekly. But, writing frees my mind of all the random thoughts swirling around. I say what I want, how I feel. I'm completely honest. No holding back, no bullshit. It would be a disservice to myself to lie or misrepresent my feeling. Sometimes it's raw and hard to read. I never know how I'm going to feel because I've never gone through this before. I just share, release. Yesterday when I met with my survivor advocate, he mentioned that when I am having a bad day to refrain from sharing online. He told me that other survivors, military wives are asking what's up with that wife in Wentzville? She seems...whoa! He said people are wondering about me. The other advocate said "you have this amazing gift in writing but you come off as a bad ass. You don't want people to think that right?" He said "you may miss out on opportunities if peo...

I was mad at Mike yesterday. Luckily that past. Today I am ready to confront another issue I have a problem with since his death. Mike committed suicide 138 days after retirement. It was 18 days past the 120 day life insurance eligibility. It sucked but I accepted it. I will provide for my kids regardless. The part that really REALLY bothers me is his death was ruled NOT SERVICE RELATED. He was retired for just at four months after serving 20 years in the Marines. What do you think could possibly happen in four months after retiring that could lead to suicide and be NOT related to his service? After 20 EVERYTHING is related to the time spent there.  The first thing Mike and I did when we moved here was hung the Marine Corps flag in our front yard. He loved the Marine Corps more than he loved himself. He didn't seek help for fear of shaming his beloved Corps. Every thought in his head somehow related to the Marines. He died after four months retired. He lived in Iraq for 36 months d...

For some reason, I have no clue why...today couples celebrating anniversaries just pissed me off.  I was scrolling through Facebook and had the urge to punch happy couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries. For no real reason. Just because I can't. I'm irritated today. I tried for three months shy of 11 years to keep my marriage. It's was at sometimes hell, but it was mine. I gave him 110% even when he didn't deserve it. There were so many times in our marriage when I wanted to quit. Throw in the towel, just admit I couldn't take it a minute longer... But I fucking didn't. He was mean, he was abusive, he was loud and he was scary...but he was sick. Everyone knew but him. I felt leaving him while sick was no different than leaving a dying cancer patient. He was fading for years. The man he became was not the man I married. I put up with all his moods, his constantly making us feel inadequate and stupid...and he leaves me...like this? I will never und...

Yesterday, while Kira and I were playing make overs she said to me "mama, you have perfect lips!" I was a bit taken back but flattered. I just told her she also had perfect lips. Why was I taken by surprise? I will tell you... I have always hated my lips. They are very thin. I have always envied larger more subtle plump lips. But, more than I hate my lips...I love my daughter. I have been mindful since the day she was born to keep my insecurities in check. A woman is formed by her mothers opinions of herself. A girl learns to love herself not just from the way she is treated by her parents but the way her parents treat themselves. I felt in the moment she gave me the compliment that I was doing something right. She was able to give me a sincere compliment and it was about a part of my body I have never really been fond of. As the mom of a daughter that was a really big deal. I try to be kinder to myself so she will too. I teach her to love all of herself. For what we may see ...

Mikes mom and I had a falling out a few months before he died. I went to her for help and she called me a shitty wife and mom...we didn't talk again until the day he died. It's been about the same since. There were rumors around town that his parents thought I killed him myself. But, if so it was the grief talking. No one wants to accept their child could take their own life.  She contacted me through Facebook earlier this week randomly and asked if she could talke the kids out for the day. I was shocked. She's never had them on her own. I mean they aren't infants, 9 and 7 (which is even more odd. Takes ten years for her to ask), but I put all my personal pain aside and happily said yes. She is, their one other connection to their father. I knew him best in his adult life. She had only seen him a handful of times in the past 20 years but she raised him. She made him. So I am happy they are getting this time. The kids were so excited. We were up at 7 am and Kira even ask...

Its Valentines Day and I am happy. Giddy even. I have a new Valentine and I adore him. He makes my day brighter. His smile is the best medicine. I got a package in the mail yesterday from Sean. It was the most well thought out, personal, meaningful collection of things I have ever been given by a man. I will try to explain each item but because they are so personal you may not understand.... In the box there was a portable speaker to listen to all our songs, we have quite a few. We tend to hear a song and text the title daily "this is so us!" There were two different types of my favorite candy. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  He could have stopped there and I would have been so happy. But... The card he picked had a claw machine on the front. I'm obsessed with claw machines. When I see one I have to play it. He picked that card knowing my addiction. Just for me. There were several furniture/home good ads for me to start thinking about what we will need in our home. The l...

My entire life I have been fearful of dying. The first funeral I attended was when I was 6. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents have passed, three of my moms brothers, my favorite aunt, cousins, friends and my husband. I've experienced a lot of loss in my lifetime. It made me constantly aware of my mortality. I remember distinctly telling my husband  he would outlive me as the people in my family have a short life expectancy. I apologized for knowing one day he would have to go on alone. I had absolutely no way of knowing years later he would die and the opposite would occur. I'm not afraid of dying. I'm not afraid of what happens after. I am absolutely terrified of leaving my children alone in the world with no mom or dad to guide, love, support and comfort them.  TJ, luckily has Tony and Kelly should anything ever happen to me. I am thankful for that much. But Mason and Kira, so small and helpless...I'm all they have. I know my sister would take them in without...

We still have tons of shirts with this phase written on them from Mikes days of recruiting.  "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." At one time I thought it was just a macho moto phrase used to pump Marines up. Now, I abhor it. It disgusts me actually. It says pain is weakness. It tells Marines being in pain is a sign of weakness and is therefore unacceptable. Why do we have so many suicides? Because from the day the recruiter shows up at your school and hands you this promotional tshirt he is telling you pain is not allowed in the beloved Corps. If you feel pain you push harder. Release that weakness. Harder faster stronger. Despite so many programs in place our service members are not being saved. It's not because we lack resources for them. It's because they are trained to ignore pain. You must not be a good Marine if you feel it....there is no place for weakness here. It's a very mixed message. You can't tell them "pain is weakness but if you feel ...

I watched a movie last night called About Time. It was about a man who had the ability to go back in time and change things he thought went wrong in his life.  I thought about it for awhile after it went off. What if I had the power to go back to the night Mike died and prevent him from taking his own life? The obvious answer is yes. However, my answer and one that might piss people off is I wouldn't.  Mike was very sick. He got sicker by the day and refused to admit he had a problem. Going back to that day and removing the guns would be completely selfish and more detrimental to him. His pain would deepen, his depression plummet. He would still hurt so much everyday because he could not accept it was within him. All the problems he had in his life were locked inside his head. He carried the only key. Our lives were changed forever that night but the thought of Mike feeling that way for even one more day makes me saddest. Would he get help? Would he get worse? There is no way ...

I'm ready to move on with my life. Start fresh. I'm excited about making the changes. One of which is selling the Durango. Yes, my baby. I love this truck. It was my pride and joy but I bought a smaller G6.  The truth is, it reminds me of Mike. He bought it for me. There is a Marine Corps decal on the back and every time I walk outside I am reminded. So....it's posted on Craigslist! Operation: Fresh Start in full effect. http://stlouis.craigslist.org/cto/4317424127.html

I've felt sick the past 24 hours. Kids become extra rotten when they know their mom is not on her A game...it's in the rule book. I was in and out of sleep all day. Thankfully my sister and brother in law were here so I could.  I realized this is just another thing I miss about being married to their father. If one of us was feeling ill or just tired we could say "I'm heading to bed...you're the boss applesauce."  I can't do that now. It's me. Just me. And, I guess it's no different than any other single parent but we made these kids together. Our kids. I miss having a partner in parenting and life. I miss knowing someone had my back.  I tried to take a bath this evening. I got about 5 minutes in when Mason and Kira started fighting over my iPad. It was a full brawl. I had to hop out dry off and break the fight up. There was no Mike around to at least get the shampoo out of my hair before playing referee. My sister and Josh take turns getting up wi...

From the time I got him to the garage until the shot was approximately three minutes. In those minutes my entire life changed.  I'm realizing that I am more sensitive to commonly used phrases and figures of speech. Things that I know I have used in the past. Here are some examples: "This new song is mind blowing." "if this computer crashes again I will kill myself" "Well this is shot to hell!" "Someone just shoot me" "The battery on my phone died" it's not something I mention when I hear, it's just a constant reminder and when I least expect it.  There is no way the entire world can possibly know my story and why the phrases break my heart. ...and people keep asking me where I stand on gun control now. I am still for the ownership of guns. My husband was trained for 20 years on properly and accurately using a rifle. If he can do it, any jack wagon can too. He respected his firearms. He knew how to use them. My only real wish...