Yes, this is my life

The dream post earlier has me thinking. The truth is...I hope I do get married again in my lifetime. I hope I can have that relationship. The bond that commitment brings. It's the one thing I know I can be good at. I guess, given my track record it appears otherwise. Divorced one. Widowed once. But I did love both men and the life we shared together. I learned a great deal from the experiences. I say I'm never marrying again. I'm not cut out for it but I long for it. I like the security. I've never been unmarried as an adult and it's something I'm not taking for granted. I'm learning to "just be". As a person. An individual.  I just don't see myself alone at the end of my life. I look at little old couples and wonder if I will get my chance to grow old with someone who will stick around into our golden years. I notice young parents with their first baby. The glow, the uncertainty and the love they exude hurts my heart. I think they are so lucky...

I just finished watching the Sons Of Anarchy episode when the club brings Opies body in to the board room for a goodbye viewing before the funeral and it reminded me of a dream I keep having. A really odd, far fetched dream that I know is not true but for some reason it keeps happening. At least once a week... I never saw Mikes body after he died. After I held the door closed and heard the pop I picked the kids up and ran. I never opened the door to check on him. I wasn't allowed into the garage to be with him before the coroner took him away. He was cremated after that so my last memory of him is seeing him walk past me with a rifle. I know my dream is related to the regret of not being able to see him. In my dream he didn't really die. He had witnessed some crime and went into witness protection. The reason it took 5 hours for the cops to get done in the garage was to stage the scene of the "suicide" so he could move away to a different town, under an assumed name a...

My girlfriend posted a blog today about single parenting. Her husband is a Marine and deployed. She's at home with two little ones. I remember how that was while Mike was in. I did it three times with three kids. Once with only one kid. It's still not "single parenting" but I can relate to what she's trying to present. I am a single parent. The difference between her and I is that I am solely responsible for providing for them. Financially, emotionally, morally, in every way. My husband isn't off earning money while I'm home. I have to budget, pay, pinch alone.  I also am the only one responsible for how they end up as adults. It's a lot of pressure. I never know exactly what the right answer is so I just do my best and make all decisions for them from a place of love. I cross my fingers take a deep breath and hope it's good enough.  I have Sean around and he's a big help but ultimately it's up to me. He could decide to pick up and leave at...

I started watching Sunday afternoon. It's Friday night and I'm already five seasons in. Yes, it's been a Netflix binge. As soon as the kids are in bed I'm glued to this show. Its that good. It's also bad in that last night my netflix had a glitch and somehow played an episode three ahead of where I left off and nothing was making sense. I finally realized what had happened and got so upset I just turned off the tv. I went to bed and dreamed about time travel. I'm sure it's connected as I basically fast forwarded through the lives of the people on my show. Super bummer. It's my First World problem...I know. But let me tell you this crazy ass dream. It's completely unrelated to SOA but was some real SciFi channel worthy material. The first part I can recall was my traveling on a horse and wagon with family. We were hauling timber and came to a bridge. It was a rickety old broken thing. I remember quite specifically my cousin Cissy (whom I haven't s...

The biggest reason I continue to fight the VA for a "service related" death is my kids. Not for any education benefit or compensation so that they know their dad was sick and nothing they did or said made him leave. I never want my kids for even a fleeting second to think they were "bad" or were a burden to either one of us.  I remind them everyday that we love them. Kids tend to blame themselves for everything. Even kids of divorce feel like "had I just been a better kid maybe they would have stayed". My biggest fear is that one day they might think they had some responsibility in his suicide. He loved his babies. They were the the reason he fought as long as he did. He tried. 

They just announced we will have "boots on the ground" in Iraq soon.  marinecorpstimes.com http://www.marinecorpstimes.com/article/20140923/NEWS08/309230066/Army-chief-Division-headquarters-will-deploy-soon-Iraq I don't even know how I feel about it. Except to say when I read it my heart sank into my stomach and I felt such dread and loss.  I don't care too much for the politics of it all. I can only tell you what I know. That is, my cousin Eddie was KIA in 2009 and my husband committed suicide last year after serving four tours in Iraq between 2003 and 2010.  Although Mike had been twice deployed to Iraq when Eddie died I had a newfound realization that this shit is real. It became personal. He deployed twice more after his death and I agonized every minute knowing.  When they pulled out of Iraq officially I trusted the job was done and felt such relief.  I cried for my cousin and his family that day. He was a hero. I had no idea of the silent war still brewing...

He would have been the big 4-0. I spent years building up material to razz him on this milestone day. I'd quote from the movie Big Daddy and call him "old balls". "OMG I'm married to OLD BALLS?!" I would throw him a party as I always did even though he asked me not to and he'd be all low key like it was no big deal turning 40 and I would know deep down he felt loved and expected me to make a big deal out of it. He knew... I would blast the shit out of Metallica's Black Album, pour him a jack and Dr Pepper and pull his birthday lasagna out of the oven right before we sang to him and he blew of 40 cake candles (if that many candles didn't burn the house down first!) Speaking of the black album I will share a funny story about his devotion to Metallica. When we first got married the cd was in his car. The songs played over and over again. To the point I assumed the cd was jammed in the player. I never thought to check because it played constantly. O...

Today on Facebook I spoke to Mikes MOS. For those who don't know what that is is was his job title in the Marines.  They go by numbers. Each set of numbers is a job title. But I digress.... We were talking about it being a year passing and I shared the tattoo I got in his memory. One Marine said he was sharing our story with his friends because it's common for people to assume you must be a combat Marine to develop PTSD. It still shocks me how uneducated the general public is about the condition. So I will share what I shared with them.

This is why I fight. Jessica. Jessica didn't survive but like me she protected her baby until the end. http://kdvr.com/2014/09/19/georgia-mother-killed-trying-to-protect-baby-who-survived-13-hours-in-toilet/ Reading it is so difficult. Down to the weapon he used. It's eerily familiar. For whatever reason I survived. I will be Jessica's voice. I know the fear, shock, doom and betrayal she felt in her final moments. I lived to tell the story. I will be damned if this keeps killing people and ruining families. Now this baby has neither parent. Why aren't we catching them sooner? I've got to find a way to reach these people and tell our stories. I'm so sad. I don't want to shame our husbands but create awareness and intervention before things ever get this far. I'm praying to God to give me the strength and wisdom to get the word out.  She's a casualty of war. We are all effected. No mother should ever feel she's got to defend her children from their...

Just when I think all hope is lost something happens...in this case several something's have happened and all at once. I'm not complaining at all. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed by it. First, I was contacted by Huffington Post asking if I would be interested in being a guest blogger...uh...YES! Then, the Marine Corps Times managing editor contacted me and said they not only want to run my blog but interview me along with it. And finally today an organization contacted me offering help to fight the VA for Mikes death to be ruled "service connected" and an attorney she works with May be willing to take the case pro bono.  I'm just beside myself.  Mikes 40th birthday would have been this coming Monday. What a great gift. I will keep fighting. I don't know why I feel so exhausted right now, It is all such good news. I want to spread awareness and help military families prevent what happened to him become a common bond. I don't want another family to l...

I think the best approach to living with PTSD is to be open and honest about your condition. It helps the people around you understand your behaviors, learn your stressors and triggers. If it's spoken about candidly, the stigma falls away and it's just like saying you've got diabetes. A perfectly manageable condition with proper care. It's only ugly if you make it. It's only scary if you don't understand it or deny yourself the right to live a healthy life. I will be honest though, there is a bit of humor in it. Have you ever seen Pitch Perfect? The scene when the character announces she has nodes? I...have...nodes. Sometimes it feels a little bit like that girl.  If you haven't seen the movie here is the clip: http://youtu.be/KzEZjjlWxAQ Really...it's not all that dramatic. People just don't understand what exactly it is. The media has done a number on it. Blames it for everything lately. PTSD isn't life threatening if you work on yourself. If y...

About five years ago I became very sick. The doctors could not quite figure out what caused the illness. First, they assumed it was ovarian cysts. I had those removed. Then they thought maybe it's lupus. I saw about five specialists. It wasn't a lot of things. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease. Well two autoimmune diseases. Hasimotos and Sjogrens. I also had a lymph node the size of a golf ball in my neck. It could not be biopsies or removed because it was sort of wrapped around a major artery. I kept having severe sinus infections. My ENT decided to do surgery on that. But that's not all...I also started having nerve damage. I still don't have feeling in my big toe. When I got sick I got really sick. I would wake up and not even be able to get down the stairs because my joints ached so bad.  This went on until right around Mikes death.  It occurred to me this morning that it's been about a year since my autoimmune symptoms have flared. I think there is a de...

I recieved a denial message from the VA after requesting to transfer his benefits. This is an interesting loophole because other than the fact that he is not alive to consent the transfer...I am eligible in every criteria.  Mike died just four months after he retired. At the time of his death he had applied to use the post 911 benefits and had even began classes but the VA had not yet made a payment to his school. So...he was eligible. The verbiage on the transfer eligibility terms say I must be his spouse and he must have personally qualified to recieve the benefits and submit a transfer request. Well, he died. He didn't know he was going to need to transfer me the benefits. Their excuse was specifically that he is not alive to consent. I am his spouse and as his spouse at the time of death I am his power of attorney. I am here to consent. He's not going to use the benefits...I assure you. If I can't be approved how about one of my children he left behind. He was promised ...

Today is the day. The dreaded first anniversary of his death. Mostly I just feel completely exhausted. Too tired to reall feel much of anything.  My friend of Facebook announced her parents 40th anniversary was today. I think that's a beautiful thing but today I also feel cheated out of my chance. We were married over a decade. I thought I knew how the rest of my life would play out. I was 23 when we were married. Barely a woman. Now, I sit here a widow at 35. I'm stuck between believing it was the best time of my life and wondering if it was a decade of waste. I most likely will never get the chance to be one of the lucky wives who celebrate a 30th or 40th wedding anniversary.  She talked about how lucky she was to witness such love and commitment and what great role models they are for her even now in adulthood. It makes me wonder what legacy am I leaving for my kids? Can I still teach them that commitment is good? That loving your partner for life through all the ups and do...

When speaking about the troubles with the VA I'm having a friend mentioned " the VA can only do so much. He made a choice to not seek medical attention." I understand but he also made a choice to take his life. He wasn't thinking rationally, especially at the end of his life. Is it not my job to be his voice when he cannot speak? Maybe she's right. He made that choice. Maybe I am trying way to hard for something he didn't even want? His entire personality changed at the end. I found the last Facebook conversation we had before he passed. It was two weeks before. He wasn't a racist man, or a hateful man. Something truly messed him up. How can I not fight for him knowing he didn't even know himself at that point?

That's their final answer. But they did apologize for our loss twice...

Losing someone is always hard. Death is never easy. I have lost many people in my life. My grandmother died of cancer. I cried for months but she lived a very full life. My best fried died when I was 16 in a drunk driving accident. She was the passenger and was killed instantly when ejected from the vehicle. After her death I found it hard to become close to others in fear of losing them and being hurt that way again. My favorite aunt died in a car accident as well as two uncles. Because of this I fear being in a vehicle. Every time I start the engine of a car I remember that it could happen. Someone could hit me. But I take a deep breath and put the car in drive. With that being said nothing has effected me more than the loss of my husband. When your spouse commits suicide, your rational brain knows he was sick but part of you feels such a sense of abandonment. There are still moments if have to fight asking what I could have done better to make him stay, was I a bad wife? The moments...

I always thought surviving childhood was the hardest part of my life. I used to tell friends memories of growing up and they said I should write a book because you can't make this stuff up.  I was raised in Missouri. My mom married my biological father when she was 16. I was born three years later at 19. January of 1979. My brother came the same year in December and my sister three years later. Shortly after her birth my moms brother died drunk driving, it was devastating, Soon my parents divorced and I wouldn't see my father for 11 years. My mom remarried and we moved from Kansas City to St. Louis. My mom and step father were substance abusers. We lived a very chaotic life. It was communal living. People coming and going, we moved from one condemned house to the next. One summer my family had no electricity or water. Back then we thought we were camping. We were so small. We bathed in a horse troth.  Because my parents addiction they fought regularly. Police officers were oft...

Every suicidal person I have spoken to or loved one of someone contemplating suicide has repeated this phrase. My husband included. It's a very common yet illogical thought running through their minds. No. Life is not better with you gone. I will share with you why right now. My husband struggled with PTSD for nearly a decade, in denial until the end. He became a person I didn't recognize because he refused to accept treatment and the illness took hold of him. I begged and pleaded for him to get help. He was too proud, as Marines sometimes...hell most of the time are. I had known him for over 20 years. We grew up together. I saw him go from a cocky confident motivated Marine into a hollow shell of a man who's biggest enemy in life was his own thoughts. It all came to an end September 15 2013 at 11:17pm. He came into the bathroom where I was washing my face and said "I hope you and the kids have a beautiful life." I stood confused for a moment and walked into the h...

I got a letter from the VA Women Veterans Organizer today. Right away I knew something was off... I continued to read. The claims that have all been getting rejected were filed under ME not Michael. OMG. After Mike died I was issued a new id in which it lists myself as the sponsor as a widow. They carelessly used my status when reviewing the claims submitted. Not Mikes. What does this mean? Were back to square one. Starting all over with the proper information. The only good news is that I filed a paper claim with his info a few months ago and his death claim is filed and is processing so there is at least ONE that I won't have to start again. Losing a spouse is hard this makes it harder.

One week from today will be a year. My life is good now. The kids are so incredibly well adjusted, happy healthy...I'm blessed. We have lost so much but in the past year we have also gained. We have begun to rebuild our life. We moved to California, we have Sean, we have a new dog Rocky, we have a great house with lots of land and fruit trees, the kids have new friends and we laugh every day. We are a family.  We have photos of their dad in. Every room of the house, Sean and I talk about him as much as possible. He is very much still part of this family.  There was a time when I thought I could never make it without it. I realized I don't have to. He's always with us. The last thing he told me was he hoped we had a beautiful life. I honored his request. We are living beautifully. I know he sees and I think he approves.

Of all my fears in this life...death is not one of them. Death is the only thing im certain will occur. We all live and we all die. Its everything in between birth and death I am unsure of. Everyone I have loved most has died. My husband last year. My favorite aunt Linda in 2004. My grandmother in 2003. My bestfriend Cayce in 1995. My favorite Uncle Walt in 1994. It goes on... I know they are waiting for me. I also know they are watching over me here in this life. Im never alone. I can feel them around me. When im scared or unsure they comfort me. This life has been hard. The Lord giveth and he taketh away. I know he made me strong. Resiliant. Im not afraid to go when hes called me. Im only afraid my children will be left but then I remember I will be there watching over them as well. Never alone. Always with them. My son has recently become obsessed with the show Long Island Medium.  I wonder who would come to her in my reading. They were all such strong personalities. ...