Indescrible Emptiness

People keep asking me if I'm mad at Mike or at God and I am not. I know why. I understand the illness. I feel is emptiness and sadness. I feel as if literally a part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel grateful for the years and love I was given but honestly right now I just feel scared. 

Scared to death.

It's officially New Year's Eve. Tomorrow I start my first year without him since 2002. I did many deployments and long training trips without him but I wasn't scared. I knew it was a mutual sacrifice we made for each other and the country. Now I know he's not coming back to me. Tomorrow I have to say I lost my husband last year. My children lost their father. 

But despite all the loss and sadness, because of him I felt for the first time what it was like to be a complete family. A mom and dad, three kids a dog and two fish. I was given that gift. Not everyone gets that. So I can say I am lucky for that taste of a real family....the kind I had longed for my whole life.

I accept that this was Gods plan. There is more for me to do here. Mikes mission was accomplished. I will do my best in the new year to stay positive, keep faith and trust His plan. 

...but the sadness is always there. It may always be there. I guess I must accept what I cannot change. 

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