Yes, this is my life

People keep asking me if I'm mad at Mike or at God and I am not. I know why. I understand the illness. I feel is emptiness and sadness. I feel as if literally a part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel grateful for the years and love I was given but honestly right now I just feel scared.  Scared to death. It's officially New Year's Eve. Tomorrow I start my first year without him since 2002. I did many deployments and long training trips without him but I wasn't scared. I knew it was a mutual sacrifice we made for each other and the country. Now I know he's not coming back to me. Tomorrow I have to say I lost my husband last year. My children lost their father.  But despite all the loss and sadness, because of him I felt for the first time what it was like to be a complete family. A mom and dad, three kids a dog and two fish. I was given that gift. Not everyone gets that. So I can say I am lucky for that taste of a real family....the kind I had longed for my whole lif

Thinking about having to move on has me thinking about what do and don't want in a mate. I'm compiling a checklist of sorts. I'm not going to settle. Life is too short. So here's what I have so far: I want him to look at me like the most beautiful girl you ever saw--the wayJay did. I want him to make me laugh like Tony did.  I want him to make me feel safe and protected like Mike did. I want him to respect me the way Tony did. I want him to fuck me the way Mike did. I want him to stimulate my brain the way Jay did. I don't want a sugar daddy. I pay my bills. I don't need a daddy for my kids but he will be a good role model. I don't want a man who can't find the irony in life. Life is, if nothing else...hilarious. I don't want anything to do with men in relationships. If you'll cheat on her. You'll cheat on me. I want a man who's good with his hands.  Creativity is a turn on. I want a man with a passion. Anything, just something he loves.

The only thing keeping me going now are my kids. I'm drowning in the sadness and grief of his loss. I want to let go and surrender to the darkness. My heart literally aches. I go through the motions everyday. I'm here but I'm gone.  My fear is that I will never feel the love we had. No one will love me the way he did. I can never give myself to another man.  I'm dating, I'm trying...it just doesn't feel the way it did. I was robbed of my one true love. He was not perfect but he knew how to love me. As a matter of fact he once gave me a Tim McGraw song that describe it. http://youtu.be/ucvbc8t56Aw It's Christmas. I want to be with him. I want him to hold me and tell me we will make it through this....I'm alone. So empty. 

My husband committed suicide on Sunday September 15 at 11:19pm Before daylight I notified my boss of the situation and that I would be off for a bit to arrange his service and take care if his affairs. She was understanding. My entire department even attended his funeral.  I attempted to return two weeks later to work. I just couldn't do it. The noise of the sales floor, the loud banging the people everywhere. Something just wasn't right. I spoke to the general manager through tears and explained I just wasn't ready. He told me to take as much time as I needed.  I ended up checking into a psychiatric unit and was diagnosed with PTSD which explained my odd reactions to noises and crowds. I called work and let them know. We kept constant contact throughout the ordeal.  One day two weeks later my boss called me and her tone was different. She asked how I was and I told her I was doing my best. She explained she couldn't just hold my job open indefinitely. I told her I woul

I guess the only way to describe my feeling today is resentful. I was watching some stupid TV show and a couple was out walking by the ocean and he got down on one knee and proposed. They were both crying. She said yes and they kiss and hugged and it was beautiful....and it pissed me off.  I don't even know why. I don't love anyone enough to marry them. I don't know if I ever even want to marry again. I just want the love back. I would have done anything for him. He had my whole heart. I could look in his eyes and see my whole world. I'm starting to date again but it's not the same. I'm trying to keep my heart open.  I desperately want to be loved so unconditionally again. I want to love.  Happy couples just make me angry today.

Recently I've had to put seriously thought into who I really am. This is what I know: I hate breakfast food, but love breakfast for dinner. I adore vintage pinup. I'm the biggest romantic ever. I am addicted to claw machines and scratch off tickets. I am sad every time I look into my childrens eyes knowing they will grow up without their father. I don't think I will ever be loved as deeply as Mike loved me. I feel hollow most days but somehow stay positive. I love Eddie Vedder.  The Crow and The Notebook are my favorite movies. I read a lot.  When I was a teenager I read Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil and ever since I've wanted to live in Savannah GA. I have read every Dean Koontz book. I'm terrified of broken glass.  I love to sew. I love being domestic. I loved being a wife, mom and family. I love strong manly, hardworking/talented men. I want to travel to Ireland, Rome and Italy. I like fast cars but my heart belongs to a 57 Chevy. American Muscle turns

Today is the 15th. That's officially 3 months he's been gone. Some days it seems like time is moving so slow. I can't even describe how I feel. Sad, empty, anxious, nostalgic... I can't seem to really get anything done today. I just stopped trying. I thought about going to visit his grave today. Maybe I still will. It's just a shiny rock with his name on it. However, as his wife I feel obligated to go and make sure his area is tidy and looks nice.  I just don't know if the pain will ever let up. So many things I want to tell him. So many things we had planned for the future. I'm trying my hardest to move on and build a life. I just never imagined a life without him in it. Where do I go from here?

For the past week my sleeping has really been affected. I think my body is getting too used to the Minipress. I wake up in a complete panic and I'm covered in sweat. Sometimes I'm freezing because my hair and clothing are soaked.  I'm not sure why I'm panicked. I can't remember the dream. Sometimes I'm crying, others I'm breathing as if I had been. It's not the best feeling in the world. I think I am going to have to talk to the doctor about it. My waking hours are ok most days. I have fewer breakdowns. My patience is steadily returning. I'm not startled by every loud noise. It's not all bad. Just these damned nights.

There are things that people probably don't know about Mike. We spent nearly 11 years married and 20 years friends. He was a private guy. He got the nickname "Big Evil" at work because he spoke so little. The truth is he was a very sensitive guy under that. I only saw him cry a handful of times and nearly all of those times were tears of joy. He felt deeply but had a hard time verbalizing it. In those moments of tearful joy he didn't need to say anything, I already knew. The night we got married as he said his vows he began to choke up. He made me cry in doing so. I jokingly whispered under my breath "OMG! I fucking hate you!" It became code for "I love you" for the rest of our married life.  When I went into labor with Mason we arrived at the hospital ready to meet him, only we learned he was breech, couldn't be repositioned and I had to have an emergency c-section. I could see the panic and fear in Mikes eyes as they wheeled me into the OR. A