Service Member Suicide
It was recently announced that we have lost more service members this year to suicide than in combat. The statement is shocking, considering we are occupying Afghanistan and other war torn areas of the world and everyday another name is added to the list. People don't want to talk about the suicides. Its as if its a shameful secret swept under the rug. According to the Army soldier suicide is up 80%. EIGHTY PERCENT.
We are doing something wrong. It seems that those who truly need help are afraid to talk and those who don't want to quickly blame PTSD for any shortcoming they have in life after war. On the news, if someone robs a bank the first thing they report is he was a combat veteran in one of the branches of the US Military. They skirt around PTSD as a motive. PTSD is real and its not an excuse to toss around lightly. I know why our service members don't reach out. I have been personally effected by it and now since my husband is weeks from retirement and 20 years of service with the Marine Corps I will share our story. Hopefully, someone sees it and someday reform the process.
Before I start I want to say I love the Marines, my husband and this country. My husband has proudly served his whole adult life and I have supported him. I am not a military hater. I feel very lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience the Marine lifestyle and family. Its something that didn't just change my husband but made me a better person as well. With that being said, there are things that I hope change. Maybe not while we are still around but for the future families in our sub-culture.
My husband came back from Iraq in July of 2003. Four months later he was thrown into Recruiting Duty in Chicago of all places. The North West Suburbs where most kid went to college not the military and my husband and his fellow recruiters were ran out of every mall, school and fair because as they said "The Marines weren't going to send THEIR kids off to die." It was easily the darkest period in our marriage. My husband slowly began to change. He was agitated, began to lose weight, short tempered and started to have internal bleeding. The life drained from his soul. He tried so hard but even if there weren't a war, the man is a mechanic. I was surprised he even passed the public speaking course in Recruiting School. Hes not a "people person". Not at all. But he refused to let the Marines down. He did his best.
Not long after that he became vacant and distant. I walked into him sitting alone in the dark bathroom crying. When he was home, he was mentally and emotional checked out. When he did talk it was irrational comments of wishing he was dead or in Baghdad. I began to panic. This was not my overly confident, motivated, he can move mountains husband. He was replaced with this suicidal desperate, hopeless, rejected and miserable shell of who he once was. Nothing shakes him. Ever. I have known him since I was 14 years old. I was petrified he would intentionally drive off the side of the road one day. As a matter of fact he mentioned it at one point.
I am not one to involve a mans command for personal issues but we were told a year earlier that if there ever was a case like this where we feared for him, make the call. I wrestled with it for days. I was hoping he'd just snap out of it. He didn't. I finally got the courage to call his CO. I took a deep breath, tried to stay calm and rational but when I began to speak the flood gates opened. I felt like I was betraying my husband but at the same time relieved because the voice on the other end was so empathetic and caring. I had hope at the moment. Hope that I would get my husband back.
A few days later my husband was pulled off recruiting and placed in MEPS. I thought I did the right thing. What I didn't expect was for the RS to call his inability to recruit insubordination. He was marked as "failing the mission" although he was in MEPS the remainder of his three years and in no way refused the mission as a matter of fact he would have rather taken his own life in those desperate moments than to let the Corps down. He did not fail the Marine Corps. The Marine Corps failed him.
He didn't give up though. After Recruiting Duty we were sent to San Diego and here we are 7 years later. He never was promoted after that. Other than "failing" recruiting he never had a single mar on his record. I blame myself to this day for ruining his career by reaching out. But, I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I still have my husband. I would rather have a 20 year SSgt than visit a grave site for not speaking out.
Marines shouldn't be penalized for reaching out. They should be helped and thanked for being strong enough to know they need it.
Now, I am a cynic...no a realist. After this long in the game whenever someone gives a sob story about how the Marines did them wrong I know there is usually more to it. There is something they are leaving out. Important details find a way of going MIA when retold but in his case, not so much. And our story is not one that is told freely because we would never want to discourage anyone from getting the help they so desperately need. However, if the topic is going to be seriously addressed you (the powers that be) need to know WHY so many are choosing to terminate their lives. They would rather bring the shame of suicide than to ruin the career they hold so dear. After all, its not a job...its a lifestyle. Once a Marine, Always a Marine.
I hope my husband isn't too upset I shared this. If it helps even one person it is worth many others knowing the details of our intimate lives. Its nothing that he is proud of but its nothing he should be ashamed of either. He is a good man, and a better Marine. As are you and/or your spouse. If you/they are struggling you have to make a choice. A hard one in fact. I have struggled with the guilt of being his voice when he could not. I flip flop back and forth on it being the "right choice". You have to decide you want them to be around more than you want a flag in a glass box on your mantle. I know had I not said something and lost him the feeling would be most unbearable. Not just for me but our children. I got to spend half my life with him. Our kids were so young they wouldn't have even remembered him.
Help them when they can't help themselves. Don't worry about anything but getting them in a better place. Someday the story I shared will be a myth right next to a free plastic surgery for spouses and pay raises for every kid you pop out.
Please consider our story a cautionary tale. The benefits far outweigh the risks. Needing help doesn't mean you are weak or a bad Marine. Quite the contrary. I support you, your community supports you and someday so will the Marine Corps as a whole.
As we come to the end of our time here, I am not the least bit mad at the Marine Corps. We've had the best experience overall. We have gotten to know what true patriotism is, to see places we wouldn't have otherwise and know that where ever we end up in life we have a common bond with all other Marine families world wide. My only wish is that I never see another article about service member suicide unless its to say its nearly non-existent.
Its been an amazing ride. I am so proud of my husband and the Marines. Congratulations, babe!
We are doing something wrong. It seems that those who truly need help are afraid to talk and those who don't want to quickly blame PTSD for any shortcoming they have in life after war. On the news, if someone robs a bank the first thing they report is he was a combat veteran in one of the branches of the US Military. They skirt around PTSD as a motive. PTSD is real and its not an excuse to toss around lightly. I know why our service members don't reach out. I have been personally effected by it and now since my husband is weeks from retirement and 20 years of service with the Marine Corps I will share our story. Hopefully, someone sees it and someday reform the process.
Before I start I want to say I love the Marines, my husband and this country. My husband has proudly served his whole adult life and I have supported him. I am not a military hater. I feel very lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience the Marine lifestyle and family. Its something that didn't just change my husband but made me a better person as well. With that being said, there are things that I hope change. Maybe not while we are still around but for the future families in our sub-culture.
My husband came back from Iraq in July of 2003. Four months later he was thrown into Recruiting Duty in Chicago of all places. The North West Suburbs where most kid went to college not the military and my husband and his fellow recruiters were ran out of every mall, school and fair because as they said "The Marines weren't going to send THEIR kids off to die." It was easily the darkest period in our marriage. My husband slowly began to change. He was agitated, began to lose weight, short tempered and started to have internal bleeding. The life drained from his soul. He tried so hard but even if there weren't a war, the man is a mechanic. I was surprised he even passed the public speaking course in Recruiting School. Hes not a "people person". Not at all. But he refused to let the Marines down. He did his best.
Not long after that he became vacant and distant. I walked into him sitting alone in the dark bathroom crying. When he was home, he was mentally and emotional checked out. When he did talk it was irrational comments of wishing he was dead or in Baghdad. I began to panic. This was not my overly confident, motivated, he can move mountains husband. He was replaced with this suicidal desperate, hopeless, rejected and miserable shell of who he once was. Nothing shakes him. Ever. I have known him since I was 14 years old. I was petrified he would intentionally drive off the side of the road one day. As a matter of fact he mentioned it at one point.
I am not one to involve a mans command for personal issues but we were told a year earlier that if there ever was a case like this where we feared for him, make the call. I wrestled with it for days. I was hoping he'd just snap out of it. He didn't. I finally got the courage to call his CO. I took a deep breath, tried to stay calm and rational but when I began to speak the flood gates opened. I felt like I was betraying my husband but at the same time relieved because the voice on the other end was so empathetic and caring. I had hope at the moment. Hope that I would get my husband back.
A few days later my husband was pulled off recruiting and placed in MEPS. I thought I did the right thing. What I didn't expect was for the RS to call his inability to recruit insubordination. He was marked as "failing the mission" although he was in MEPS the remainder of his three years and in no way refused the mission as a matter of fact he would have rather taken his own life in those desperate moments than to let the Corps down. He did not fail the Marine Corps. The Marine Corps failed him.
He didn't give up though. After Recruiting Duty we were sent to San Diego and here we are 7 years later. He never was promoted after that. Other than "failing" recruiting he never had a single mar on his record. I blame myself to this day for ruining his career by reaching out. But, I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I still have my husband. I would rather have a 20 year SSgt than visit a grave site for not speaking out.
Marines shouldn't be penalized for reaching out. They should be helped and thanked for being strong enough to know they need it.
Now, I am a cynic...no a realist. After this long in the game whenever someone gives a sob story about how the Marines did them wrong I know there is usually more to it. There is something they are leaving out. Important details find a way of going MIA when retold but in his case, not so much. And our story is not one that is told freely because we would never want to discourage anyone from getting the help they so desperately need. However, if the topic is going to be seriously addressed you (the powers that be) need to know WHY so many are choosing to terminate their lives. They would rather bring the shame of suicide than to ruin the career they hold so dear. After all, its not a job...its a lifestyle. Once a Marine, Always a Marine.
I hope my husband isn't too upset I shared this. If it helps even one person it is worth many others knowing the details of our intimate lives. Its nothing that he is proud of but its nothing he should be ashamed of either. He is a good man, and a better Marine. As are you and/or your spouse. If you/they are struggling you have to make a choice. A hard one in fact. I have struggled with the guilt of being his voice when he could not. I flip flop back and forth on it being the "right choice". You have to decide you want them to be around more than you want a flag in a glass box on your mantle. I know had I not said something and lost him the feeling would be most unbearable. Not just for me but our children. I got to spend half my life with him. Our kids were so young they wouldn't have even remembered him.
Help them when they can't help themselves. Don't worry about anything but getting them in a better place. Someday the story I shared will be a myth right next to a free plastic surgery for spouses and pay raises for every kid you pop out.
Please consider our story a cautionary tale. The benefits far outweigh the risks. Needing help doesn't mean you are weak or a bad Marine. Quite the contrary. I support you, your community supports you and someday so will the Marine Corps as a whole.
As we come to the end of our time here, I am not the least bit mad at the Marine Corps. We've had the best experience overall. We have gotten to know what true patriotism is, to see places we wouldn't have otherwise and know that where ever we end up in life we have a common bond with all other Marine families world wide. My only wish is that I never see another article about service member suicide unless its to say its nearly non-existent.
Its been an amazing ride. I am so proud of my husband and the Marines. Congratulations, babe!
I almost didnt finish reading this for the simple fact that I feel the way your husband felt.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. Let people help you. You can feel better if right now you think there is no solution. You can come out stronger, healthier and closer to your true self and your family.
DeleteYour story is my story! From the excellent record, to barely passing public speaking, he was sent to the rich suburbs of Detroit. The only time he was ever suicidal was on recruiting duty. I feel like its my fault because I got sick. My efmp "mysteriously" was lost in the back of a file cabinet after we moved to San Diego. He told the screening team, he told the recruiting heads, he told his new command. I had a letter from the command welcoming us & it actually referenced my medical problems.
ReplyDeleteWhen I needed 3 surgeries in 4 months, they suddenly never heard of me being sick. They accused him of lying & hiding my condition to get a meritorious promotion & then take a humanitarian transfer!
Then, at one point they asked him if he ever got short tempered at work or home. Well yes, recruiting duty, sick wife, a preschooler & an infant as well as a niece battling stage 4 cancer can make you grumpy. They gave him his only pg 11 for "mismanagement of personal stress"!
Cont.
ReplyDeleteThis later caused him problems with his security clearance. He worked his behind off for them. They wouldnt allow him to rearrange his desk (he's a leftie) and after awhile he got terrible pain in his arm. He was accused of malingering. It took a month the be allowed to got to medical. They gave him a sling because he had ulnar nerve & carpal nerve damage. They wouldnt let him wear it in uniform, the damage is permanent.
We made it through all that, out of the blue he gets called in and was told he WILL be taking a humanitarian transfer, like it or not. He could not refuse. We didnt request it & didnt want it. He had just passed his halfway point. We had 2 weeks to report to Miramar San Diego. I read the paperwork later & was shocked & hurt by one line "Even though Mrs P. has family in the area, they declined to assist her" First of all, they lived an hour away. 2nd those bastards knew my only sibling was trying to keep her baby alive! She was riddled with cancer from her brain down to her long bones. When I had my optic nerve surgeries, she drove out to watch my kids on those 2 separate occasions.
cont.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in hospital for a few days, she took my kids to her house. She did the best she could!
What was most hurtful & what nearly drove him to the breaking point was the constant abusive berating. His 1st Sgt FAXED him abuse! He made him his special pet project. He said stuff like "Im gonna run you out of the Corps, you're a shitbird, you dont deserve that title of Marine (DAFUQ? He EARNED that title!) Marines adapt & overcome, obviously you cant be a good Marine because you cant, youre a bag of shit" etc etc. 1st Sgt even sat in front of him for a whole day & timed how long it took him to take a drink of coffee, how long he spent in the bathroom, on & on. It was daily, constant for 18 months.
As it turned out, it did ruin his career. Even though he didnt ask for the transfer, too bad. They trusted his ability enough to be among a handful sent far ahead of OIF1 to set up all the comm for 3rd MAW. He got more than one NAM. He was respected for his technical expertise that he was specially requested by name for jobs. He was doing jobs 2 pay grades above him But they wouldnt promote him. He stuck it out, he tried, he did everything they asked without complaint & did it excellently. But they wouldnt promote him. We came back to the fleet in 2001 & he stuck it out til the list came out in 07. He was looking at his last enlistment & decided to transfer to the army.
It broke his heart. He was devastated to leave the Corps. He poured his heart & soul & sacrificed so much for them, they left his body a wreck & made him feel horribly betrayed by his "family" & his "brothers. I say this is the only thing in his entire career that I am angry & bitter about. Even to this day, what they did to this man breaks my heart. He loved the Corps with everything he had & because of my medical problems, it was torn to shreds.
When he went into the army, he stayed in the comm field. He got quite a few awards and citations The civilians he worked with in Korea keep trying to entice him back because he was excellent at HIS JOB, not at recruiting. Something followed him in his record & we dont know what. He hasnt been promoted again.
Cont.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry this is so long but your story touched me & our stories are similar its spooky. I loved the Corps, being able to experience the life, and everything that came with it, except RD. He was pre 9/11 & still was banned from malls & schools etc. Horrible, awful time. It makes no sense to me how someone can be outstanding at their ACTUAL job & not recruiting yet have their entire careers ruined from then on. He hates the army, he is retiring June 2013 and by then will be a SSGT (selected Sept 98, pinned June 99)for almost his entire career. He had been a 7 year SSGT in an MOS that was tough to advance in. NAMS, citations awards, everything before, and after, but it was recruiting that screwed him.
When he protested his pg 11, they forced him to go see mental health. That went into his record and that screwed with his security clearance re authorization. They finally got that squared away in 2007 & it popped up again this year. He was not authorized KEYS because he had been referred to mental health in 2000. Yet he has a clearance. Its unfair, its discouraging & you are NOT alone!!! I understand how you feel & have a guess at how he feels. Im so sorry and I wish we could make it better. I feel so much guilt even though he tells me its not my fault. I know its not but yet it is. It is the excuse they used fraudulently. Again, Im really sorry at the length, This is a bitter, miserable subject for me, even now. I love the Marines I hate what they did to him. good luck & God Bless.
oops, retiring June, 2014
DeleteI'm so sorry for your loss Misty.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss Misty. When reading this post, it is a year after the fact and I already know the end to your story. I read with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart. God bless you honey for spending a career with your Marine and for leading women to be stronger. You are held in the thoughts and prayers of all of your spouse sisters.
ReplyDeleteI am reading this after hearing about the loss of your husband. I am so very sorry for your loss Misty. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers
ReplyDeleteMisty, my husband is a former Marine and is currently retiring from the National Guard. He has PTSD and TBI. I live in Warrenton, not far from Wentzville and I just read your story and your blog post. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're not alone, sister.
ReplyDelete~Heather Tabers
I am so, so sorry that words just won't form. When I shared my story above, I had no idea of what recently happened. I'm so sorry. My own husband will be retiring in 9 months and I will be watching him closely. Again, I'm so sorry is all I can say
ReplyDelete