Self Mutilitation Is Not A Game
When I was in the office at school today a teacher brought in a group of girls to see the principal about playing a "game" in class in which they burn their skin with a large pink eraser. Its a practice that they defended as just a game or a dare. It left major burns on their hands and wrists. My stomach dropped but I kept my mouth closed until they walked away.
I then mentioned to the secretary that this is no game. Its a form of self mutilation and although the kids can try to explain it away as just simple curiosity and boredom it is not. It could be nothing but it is a red flag for something much bigger. Self harm is a sign of abuse and emotional distress.
The compulsion to hurt yourself is not the problem at all...its the reason you are compelled to hurt yourself that is the issue. Self injury is a symptom. The emotions behind it are the problem. Sure its dangerous, but not nearly as dangerous as what cause you to feel that way. Its a cry for help.
I share this in an effort to help our youth and prevent kids from being in the environment I once called my life. Its hard to type out some of these things and to know that others will read it, will judge it and look at me differently after knowing. But, children are more important. So here I go...
I was a self injurer as a teenager. I cut, I burned, I hated myself. I was unable to express the pain I was in. The only way I could get it out was to hurt myself. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child. My parents were drug/alcoholic abusers and my home life was anything but happy.
It started with carving initials into my legs with the tip of a safety pin and went on from there. I got my first tattoo at age thirteen in someone's basement after running away from home.
The bottom line was I was dying inside and had no one who cared, who noticed or who reached out to help. So when I see these behaviors and adults who scoff at it as a "game" or foolish kid choices it breaks my heart. I want to scream "LET ME HELP YOU! IM HERE! I CARE!" And kids arent going to just come straight out and pour their hearts out, say thank you for noticing and explain they are in such pain. They are going to roll their eyes and say you are over reacting, say its no big deal and deny deny deny. The reason they are in pain is usually a relationship with a trusted adult. They no longer trust adults. You have to be patient but persistent. Don't talk AT them...talk TO them. Earn their respect and trust. Its possible they dont know WHY they do what they are doing. Its not their job to know, as kids. Its ours! It took years of therapy and recovery to fully understand why.
Self mutilators are like addicts.They are good at pulling others into their chaos. They have no control in life so they find friends that are impressionable. They can control them in a sense. Before you know it they are teaching their friends to "play". Not all self injurers are in emotional pain. They may do it once at the request of the friend. So dont think every incident is a sign of abuse. In those cases I am more inclined to wonder about their self esteem and what causes them to so easily be convinced. I want to help them too. Raise them up and teach them that the approval of others is not required. They are fine no matter what. You can say no without fear of social out-casting. If "friends" threaten this they are not worth your time. Real friends allow you to be you. Friendship and love are NOT CONDITIONAL!
If you see a kid with scars on their arms, legs, stomach etc PAY ATTENTION. Ask them hows life going. Don't start interrogating them, they will shut down. When you start listening you will just know. They need you. They need to trust you and get it out. If nothing is going on, fine. There is no harm in letting any child know that an adult cares and is there to listen and help no matter what.
This is no game. Don't accept that excuse. Games are fun. Hurting yourself is never fun.
I then mentioned to the secretary that this is no game. Its a form of self mutilation and although the kids can try to explain it away as just simple curiosity and boredom it is not. It could be nothing but it is a red flag for something much bigger. Self harm is a sign of abuse and emotional distress.
The compulsion to hurt yourself is not the problem at all...its the reason you are compelled to hurt yourself that is the issue. Self injury is a symptom. The emotions behind it are the problem. Sure its dangerous, but not nearly as dangerous as what cause you to feel that way. Its a cry for help.
I share this in an effort to help our youth and prevent kids from being in the environment I once called my life. Its hard to type out some of these things and to know that others will read it, will judge it and look at me differently after knowing. But, children are more important. So here I go...
I was a self injurer as a teenager. I cut, I burned, I hated myself. I was unable to express the pain I was in. The only way I could get it out was to hurt myself. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child. My parents were drug/alcoholic abusers and my home life was anything but happy.
It started with carving initials into my legs with the tip of a safety pin and went on from there. I got my first tattoo at age thirteen in someone's basement after running away from home.
The bottom line was I was dying inside and had no one who cared, who noticed or who reached out to help. So when I see these behaviors and adults who scoff at it as a "game" or foolish kid choices it breaks my heart. I want to scream "LET ME HELP YOU! IM HERE! I CARE!" And kids arent going to just come straight out and pour their hearts out, say thank you for noticing and explain they are in such pain. They are going to roll their eyes and say you are over reacting, say its no big deal and deny deny deny. The reason they are in pain is usually a relationship with a trusted adult. They no longer trust adults. You have to be patient but persistent. Don't talk AT them...talk TO them. Earn their respect and trust. Its possible they dont know WHY they do what they are doing. Its not their job to know, as kids. Its ours! It took years of therapy and recovery to fully understand why.
Self mutilators are like addicts.They are good at pulling others into their chaos. They have no control in life so they find friends that are impressionable. They can control them in a sense. Before you know it they are teaching their friends to "play". Not all self injurers are in emotional pain. They may do it once at the request of the friend. So dont think every incident is a sign of abuse. In those cases I am more inclined to wonder about their self esteem and what causes them to so easily be convinced. I want to help them too. Raise them up and teach them that the approval of others is not required. They are fine no matter what. You can say no without fear of social out-casting. If "friends" threaten this they are not worth your time. Real friends allow you to be you. Friendship and love are NOT CONDITIONAL!
If you see a kid with scars on their arms, legs, stomach etc PAY ATTENTION. Ask them hows life going. Don't start interrogating them, they will shut down. When you start listening you will just know. They need you. They need to trust you and get it out. If nothing is going on, fine. There is no harm in letting any child know that an adult cares and is there to listen and help no matter what.
This is no game. Don't accept that excuse. Games are fun. Hurting yourself is never fun.
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