Yes, this is my life

I haven't been on my blog in so long. When I left off I thought all I could say was said. That was my first mistake... I have always prided myself on being transparent. For me and for you. I'm telling you this because I am not able to share details about some of the events in my life since last meeting. That is hard for me but it is to protect innocence. I will say this much: Sean and I are no longer engaged and I am in no way affiliated with him. Last year in May, I got the most devastating news. In June, got worse. And shit just rolled down from there. I can't tell you what's happened but I can tell you it's been the hardest thing since losing Mike. And the betrayal felt bigger. I cried for three months straight. Just sat on my patio and cried. Woke up crying. Fell asleep crying. It gutted me. It consumed me. Swallowed me whole. By October my kids and I loaded up just what we could fit in the car and headed back to my hometown in Missouri. For a decad...

This is my fist blog of 2019. It may also be my last... ever. So much has happened. Some good. Some terrible. But it's changed my perspective. Where to start? A year ago my biological father slipped into a coma. Just days after one of my close friends died in Florida. They passed with in a week of each other. That was hard. So tough. Last fall I lost my best friend. She's still very much alive and I wish nothing but happiness and success for her and her children. She's currently in a situation that makes me feel very unsafe and although I cannot tell her what to do or accept in her life...I can use my boundaries to protect myself and my children. I overlooked a lot in the past but I will not bring that madness into our lives again. We deserve security and safety in our home. My family must come first. On January 9th 2019, the day before my 40th birthday I lost my daddy. The one who raised me. The one man who chose to love me even when i made it so hard for him. The one ...

It's hard to even imagine I'd ever come to a day when I'd be able to say this but... If someone asked me if I could bring Mike back, would I? The answer today is absolutely not. There was a point in my life that I prayed it was just a dream and to please wake up to my ordinary life. But things have changed with time. The only way I can really describe it is I'm finally coming out of a fog. Things that made perfect sense once seem so irrational now. I would absolutely not bring back the Mike that he was at the end of his life. He didn't even like himself. To some that may sound cruel and cold but he was a stranger in the last months and weeks of his life. I am sure he didn't even recognize himself in the mirror. It would be selfish to bring him back just for the sake of him existing. It would be more detrimental to the kids to be raised by someone who refused to acknowledge his illness. The chaos and fear they would feel would form who they become. My son ...

Five years ago my life looked so much different than it does today. So much in fact that people who don't know us well may never believe exactly what we've been through. I can't lie, some of that is by my choosing. The only part or my story that remains the same is the players. Well, most of them. The kids and myself. Everything else is new to my story. Five years ago my kids were 6, 8 and 13. Kira was just beginning first grade. Mason was starting 3rd and TJ was a sophomore in high school. I was married then. My husband was 38, had just officially retired from the Marines and we had finally settled in our hometown. In a two story split level home with a pink tree in the front yard. I remember this detail specifically because Kira desperately wanted a house with a pink tree in the yard. I felt it must be destiny because I found her such a home. My husband and I had been married over a decade and we'd spent that whole time imagining what our life would look like afte...

First, I apologize for my lack of sharing as of late. It seems the more time that passes the less I feel the need to be heard and validated. I don't know if it's supposed to be that way or not. But, in my case I think this is true. We are coming on 5 years since he died and I am always a bit more emotional in the weeks and days leading up to September 15th. Let's get on with it. This particular blog is not about what type of trauma you may have experienced but what you do after you've been through it. It's some of the only advice I will ever offer up because I so strongly believe it has helped me thus far. As always take it or leave it. There is no wrong or right way. There is ONE difference between being a victim and being a survivor if you've lived through trauma and are here today to read this. It is not the severity of the trauma or length of exposure. It's one simple thing. That thing that controls how you end up is..choice. Only you can decided if...

A Marines firearm is a lot like a woman's hair. It's an extension of them. Somewhere along the line it in many ways, defines them. My husband was a Marine for twenty years. I was lucky enough to share a life with him through most of his career. He was taught that his first job as a Marine was to be a rifleman. That is a Marines most basic function. So, threatening to take their firearm is no more life altering than to tell a woman shes going to lose her hair. The idea isn't just a loss of a possession. It can feel as daunting as a complete loss of identity. My husband spent the second half of his career battling something no one could see. I may have been the only one who saw the changes in him. When I asked him about it he just said he was ready for retirement. Against my better judgment I accepted the excuse offered. In hindsight I guess I would rather face that prospect than to wrap my mind around the truth. Its funny how we can trick ourselves into believing the less...

I haven't blogged in forever. I have a lot to catch up on but right now I have to share this insane but completely TRUE story. It's just that good. There is a small strip mall just down the street from my house. In the strip mall there are several businesses but, the only two that matter for this story are the beauty salon and the medical Marijuana dispensary.  One evening a few months ago the hair salon in this strip had a "mixer". With a little too many cocktails. A couple of the dispensary employees happened to be outside on a break to witness a drunk woman stumbling around the parking lot and get in her CAR .  The moment she pulled out of the lot she hit a man driving a motorcycle. It was a bad one. When the police arrived the drunk lady tried to lie to the police by saying she had just left the dispensary. She was not drunk but high. She was trying to cover for the salon owners because a salon can only serve so much alcohol to clients legally.  Well, they m...

Losing your spouse to suicide makes a person feel pretty much the same as if your spouse went out for a pack of smokes and never came back. All the emotions of being abandoned are there. It's like being dumped but you can never ask why or what you did to cause it. I have never been dumped by a boyfriend before in my life. I married all the boys I dated and I divorced my first husband. I have always said good bye first. ...Mike really got me good on his adios. Burn. He got his last laugh. I never had a frame of reference on being the dumpee. I assumed it was like in movies and tv. They sit around in dumper's old clothing, crying, singing off key along to sappy love songs with mascara running down your face, and eating ice cream. It's not a cliche...I actually did all of those things after Mike died. Saved By The Bell had the breakup depression spot on! Too bad I didn't find out how relatable it was until 20+ years after the show ended. I will never know why. I...

We joined in the San Diego TAPS Seminar this month and it was amazing for reasons I didn't even expect. First off, the view from our suite was breath taking. I don't care that I see it regularly...I will never stop gazing at the ocean like a kid in a toy store. I'm in awe every time. The experience is so profound for me. Standing by the ocean you realize just how small you are on this planet and how my problems, although big to me at times...are so small in the big picture. **side note: I do this weird thing while on the beach. I didn't realize until just now that it's a "thing". (By thing I mean a healthy coping mechanism. Lol) as I sit on the beach I watch the waves come in I pick one that is impressive and I "feed" my worries and problems to the wave. I then watch the wave recede and as the ocean pulls back the water out to sea my anxieties/worries fears are pulled further out into the deep open ocean too. If you're looking for a ...

When I was married to an active duty Marine I was never "moto". I never thought we did anything so impressive. We got the comfort of our base housing and regular income while the Marines were off eating sand in an undisclosed location. They were the ones who really sacrificed. Now looking back I know the wives endured their own and unique struggles. I know that each of you are dealing with issues that most can't understand. I appreciate your part in service to our country. You hold the family together faithfully. You have babies alone. You make hard choices with little to no input while your spouse is gone. Communication sucks a lot of the time. You have to worry about matters at home and abroad. You have to learn to juggle parenting, and career, or school alone. We learned to not complain and cried ourselves to sleep at night....if we had time to sleep! We learned what long distance relationships really meant. We were told not to bother our Marines abroad with too many ...

On Halloween morning my dad was awoken to his neighbor pounding on his door telling him the building was on fire. She had fallen asleep with a candle lit and it somehow caught the entire structure on fire. He made it out with nothing but the pajamas he was wearing. All was lost. He had a stroke 6 years ago and it left him paralyzed. Luckily about 2 weeks before the fire he moved from the second floor of his apartment building to the ground floor. Had he still lived up the steps he would not have been able to escape the blaze. He was able to get out but not without some minor injuries due to his paralysis. He's now staying with my sister...who does not have space but we made it work. I bought him new clothing and my sister replaced his medication and his immediate needs have been met between us. She took him back to his burned building yesterday and he was only concerned and sad about two items lost. My late husband's watch and his father's burial flag. I had forgotten...

Since getting into a committed relationship with Sean, the idea of marriage has been on my mind. I mean, we are engaged and are completely content this way. Our relationship has been relaxed and natural. We're not in a rush. We've both been married. Our kids are adults or nearing adulthood. We're together by choice. It's a good place. However, the marriage issue is something that could be a reality on the horizon so I have considered it. And...it's tricky. At first I thought well who would I eventually be buried with? ...but then I remembered I don't even believe that you have to go to a graveside to talk to your dead loved one. I'm concerned about where my soul goes not my body. So, I satisfied that point. Then I thought "when I get to heaven, what then? How do you pick which husband you want to spend eternity with? Does God pick for you?" And that's going to hurt someone. That's no heaven in my eyes. I did think for days abou...

https://youtu.be/Kb24RrHIbFk My teenage son introduced me to this song yesterday. I'm sorry that I am not familiar with your other work but this song had me in tears. Why? Four years ago my husband and the father of my children took his life in my presence, as our kids slept just feet away. In the past four years I've become an advocate for suicide prevention. This one song eclipses any work I could ever do in keeping people alive. You've taken a subject so close to our hearts and took a stand. It reminds me of the work of Tupac. You could have sang about anything, but you chose to help and I cannot thank you enough. My son and I were able to talk about his dads suicide, how his head was racing with the same confusion and abandonment anger and pain as the subject in your song. It helped us connect and I'm positive it will help others too. From one human being to another THANK GOD FOR YOU and this song. You will save lives. You may never meet them or know their name...

The recent sexual assault awareness campaign #MeToo encourages women to speak out. I've shared my personal story before but will again so other women may be empowered to take the control back from their attackers. Fear and silence only allow them to continue their dominance over your life and possibly others. My story is not about a random attack from a stranger in a dark alley. I knew them. Two were related to me by marriage. One ended up being a long term boyfriend through two years of my teens. The first time I was sexually abused I was about 7. It was my step father's brother, my uncle. In school they told us to tell our parents if anything ever happened. I did. They asked him. He denied it and nothing ever happened. I was forced to see him at family functions and the likes the rest of my childhood and into my 20s. He died 4 years ago. I wasn't sad. I felt relief. I knew he'd molested his own daughter before me and it wasn't until he divorced his wife and sh...

Have you ever had a dream so vivid and so terrifying it took a while after you woke up to convince yourself it didn't actually happen? At 4:12 am I woke in a panic. I felt my body for wounds and the moisture I first thought was blood from being shot was actually sweat that had soaked the length of my back. I jumped our of bed to make sure I could still walk. In my dream I was in an open court yard of a structure, Two stories surrounding me. It reminded me of the pool area from the show Melrose Place. A show I watched 20 years ago. Weird but that's what I thought. I was walking toward one side of the apartment or motel...what ever it was... When suddenly a huge commotion came on all side of me. Doors banging open and swat team members coming out of all the dark corners. I looked up to the second floor balcony and literally saw bullets flying through the air. I heard many loud voices screaming "Freeze! HANDS UP!" I knew I had to get myself out of thecross fire. I ...

Hate crimes are unconstitutional. (As if you needed to refer to the legalities of hate!) The national anthem is a representation of our Constitution and kneeling during the playing is a law abiders method of pointing out that our Constitution is being abused. It is not a reflection of the kneelers disdain for our country or our laws. It's the opposite. A silent protest to lives lost and cruel liberties taken against citizens who live for that constitution. It's a serious epidemic in this country. Comparing the act to servicemembers dying in action or fighting for the county is a bad way to go. They are DOING THE EXACT SAME THING but in different approaches. They are both trying to protect what they know to be true in the only way they know how. More people have died this year on our soil because they were black than because they were American fighting in a war zone. The two should never be compared. Apples and oranges. I'm asked a lot because I'm a widow of a Marine. H...

It's so surreal that he didn't even make it to his 40. His entire life was lived in just under 39 short years. I'm lucky enough to say u knew him 20 of those years. We were married for 11 of them. I would love to say I regret nothing but that would be a lie. I wish I had told him more often how proud I was of him, how important he was to me and the kids, how much we admired his sacrifice for his country. I wish I had held my gaze a little bit longer, hugged him a little bit tighter and felt his heart beating when I rested my head on his chest. There are many things I would have liked to do if I had known our time was going to be so brief. Instead I now hold on to the memories of what was. Hoping that he knew how dedicated I was to him, our marriage and our family. I loved him with my whole heart. I wanted more than anything, for him to wake up one morning and realize how sick he was, how much he was hurting us and himself but the day never came. I didn't give up. I ...

It's officially into September now. I dread this month every year. This year was no exception. In the last days of August I will filled will such anxiety. To make matters more ironic I started my period on September first. So I don't know for sure if my anxiety was due to the natural PMS symptoms or if my period was early because of my heightened stress. It's funny because it's true. Your mind and your body and linked so strongly. I've never been more aware of this than since Mike's suicide. September is a hard month. Harder than most. It's the anniversary of his death and exactly one week later is his birthday. September is also Suicide Awareness and Prevention month. There are such heightened emotions for me in September. Most of the time I can't even process what it is I'm feeling because they change like Missouri weather. I don't know what I feel from one moment to the next. There is great sadness, at times pride, no matter the circumstan...

I've been home from Boston for a week now but I'm still collecting my thoughts and processing all I've learned before I dish on the experience as a whole. There is one weird thing I have to share because it's been bugging me. It's not anything major, I guess. It's just that while I was in individual therapy going over the day and aftermath of Mike's suicide I began remembering small details of that night. Conversations that occurred after the gun shot. The feelings and confusion I had immediately after we ran but before I was told he was dead. It took a really long time for SWAT to get set up and to make entry into out homethat night. I remember begging and pleading with the officers to just let me go in to put pressure on his wound. If he shot himself he'd bleed out while they were getting into whatever "formation" planned. I grabbedon officer's arm and desperately begged. I had no fear for my own safety. Regardless of the struggle th...

Sundays have always been special in my family. It's the one day each week when we all consciously set aside our personal lives and schedules to gather. It's tradition in my family. One that I held on to since my grandma was living. My mom followed and then myself. We gather. We cook and we laugh. We also prepare for the week ahead. We give thanks. In therapy I realized that I'm still angry with Michael for ruining this day. He took his life on a Sunday night. If you happen to look at my Facebook posts from that exact day you will see I posted a photo of a Fall wreath I'd made for out front door that morning. I sat right in the living room floor and put it together. Mike was sitting on the couch behind me helping Mason with a school report on the mountain lion. Later that afternoon I posted a photo, the one I have here. It was a snap of my stuffed roasting hens in the oven. I said "I'm so domestic today!" It was a good day. Later I have a photo of m...