Yes, this is my life

It's really common for Survivors to embellish their dead loved one's lives.  Families sometimes put them on a pedestal and the memory becomes bigger than life. The portrayal of them becomes nowhere similar to who they really were. There are those who also say things like "you can't speak ill of the dead!" That's garbage. When I hear someone speak of their loved one who took their life and they seem perfect, as if there were no indication they were in any way flawed, troubled, at risk...it makes me wonder if they really knew the person. I am very realistic about the man my husband was before he became sick, while he was there and at the end of his life. My pretending everything was great and he had no issues would be a lie and a disservice to others. By sharing the behaviors he exhibited I can help others identify warning signs in their loved ones. And people are good at masking things. If you asked my former in laws if my husband had any at risk behaviors b...

The way I connect with others is very personal. People cone to me in their most desperate moments. Either they or someone they love is in a place so dark that suicide seems like a reasonable option out of their misery. In order for me to get on their level I dig deep and put myself back in time to right before Mike's suicide. Then I relive the tragedy and recall the days, months and years after his death. It can be so taxing on me emotionally but it's necessary for them to hear that it didn't benefit us in any way. It may have stopped his pain but it just started ours. So many suicidal people say "If I just die it will be so much easier on my family." And it's so wrong. It couldn't be further from the truth. Nothing was "fixed". It only creates more illness, more problems.  I find it easier to counsel strangers. I can give them the level of support they need without compounding the situation with personal feelings, fears and emotions. Thi...

I really believe that every relationship you have in life, positive or negative gives you tools for navigating through life in the future. If you look at the situation this way you cannot hold anger and resentment too long. They gave you a gift. You may not realize it until much later but all interactions have an impact. Maybe you had a boss who made your days absolutely miserable once. This experience prepares you for when you become a leader. You can reflect on what NOT to do. He/she helped you become a better boss just by knowing you. Maybe later in life you encounter a leader in the work place who is similarly difficult, because you've already dealt with such a person the rest of the office is frazzled but you know the personality and have been there before so it's considerably less stressful. You will encounter all personalities in life. Instead of dreading any interaction with some just mentally ask yourself "what is this person going to teach me about myself or oth...

Many people don't know that I was briefly married at age 19. That my eldest son was from this marriage... 19 years ago I married TJ'S dad. We were so young and so clueless. We had good intentions. We loved each other and thought it was the right thing to do. The marriage was so brief, just 4 short years. If TJ hadn't come it would be hard to believe it even happened. We learned so much in that short time. We learned what it means to be a spouse and I truly believe that experience made us great husband and wife to our future spouses. I don't regret it. I look back and smile because it was so innocent and honest. I think my ex husband is a good father and husband to his family and that's something not everyone can say. I like him. I appreciate him and the small blink of time we grew and learned together.                            June 20, 1998 I was 19 and he was 21. When I look back I just giggle. How young....

I've blogged often about my families experience and sacrifice. You may or may not have read in past posts that my cousin Eddie was killed in action in 2009. He was in the army and a good soldier. When he died he left a young wife and two very small sons. Our family was deeply affected by the loss. Just a few years later my own husband died. My cousins widow and I became close in this time. We were both young military widows with small kids and no real idea what comes next. Together we leaned on the other for support and encouragement. In the past few years we have both made great strides in working through our grief and doing our best to rebuild a life for our kids. As you can imagine in a loss such as our the idea that a man would ever be in the picture seemed nearly comical. How could a man fit into this? What sort of a man would WANT to be a part of this? Somehow, such a strong man came into both our lives. A man that knew he must share his family with the spirit of a...

...is that everything changes! I've changed so much in the past few years. Losing your spouse to suicide is quite humbling. I know that many rude "jokes" have been made behind my back. Such as.."If I had a wife like that I'd kill myself too!" (Dont act shocked. You most likely met me before Mike died. I had my moments! And yes, it has been said of me.) I used to see the world in black and white but now there is so much gray area. Nothing is as easy as it first appears. Where I was quick to judge once I find myself putting on their shoes as considering it from all angles. It was much more fun to make snap judgments. It was funnier, at least. Not really caring what the person would say if they heard my "jokes". Some changes I have been forced to make and others were conscious choices made thoughtfully and intentionally. I care more now. Even when I don't want to. I am more observant and kind. I am slower to speak and quicker to act. I am m...

A few months ago I was nominated to participate in an intense outpatient therapy program. It's a pilot program that is being offered by TAPS, HomeBase and Massachusetts hospital. It's specifically designed for Survivors with PTSD. Of course I said YES! It's a gift that will not only benefit me but my family as well. I am of the opinion that everyone can benefit from therapy. And this program is all inclusive. From my flight to my lodging all I'm required to do is show up and take it seriously. Which is not at all much to ask. I feel honored to be chosen for such a life changing opportunity. There was a screening process. It took a few months to get through and in the end I was picked. Only ten people from TAPS were nominated for this and I made it to the end. I'm so incredibly grateful for the experience. This week I got my flight confirmation and itinerary for the treatment. It's going to be in Boston. Next month. I will try to update as it goes but, my ...

There are two things you can tell a woman that are devistating. One is that you're a bad wife and the other is that you're a bad mom. In the past four years I've been told both. When the rumor started that I personally killed my husband I was broken. Last week I got into a huge argument with my former in laws. In the heat of the moment my ex mother in law said "had TJ not come to live with us the state was going to take him away!" It was a lie. It was completely untrue. At no point in his life was he ever at risk of being taken but the words were said. And they hurt. So deeply. I cried for days. The fact that anyone could say that or think that or that my kid was ever told that hurts. It's something that I may never get over. I know they love him. I thought if she said that so casually in the moment who else did she share this story with? Why would she say something so hurtful? I am not perfect. I made mistakes but never, even in the wake of Mikes suicide did...

It all started with a phone call last week. A women who claimed to be a recruiter for my son's college called not me but my SISTER and requested that I not accompany him to his college meeting the next week. Because they got his scholarship based on his being solely financially in the care of his grandparents. Also, if I could stop posting to him and about him on social media because it would make her "look like a liar" when they saw he had a mother in his life. My sister bawled when she tried to relay this to me the night before his graduation ceremony. I was so confused. I asked to speak to the recruiter immediately. It turned out it wasn't a recruiter at all. She wasn't even affiliated with the school. She was actually my son's girlfriends mother. I explained to her that his grandparents were NOT solely responsible. He has two employed parents who are. He's in the temporary guardianship of his grandparents while he finished high school. I have joint cu...