It Happens It Hurts & It's NOT OK

I have written many times about the hurtful, inaccurate, hateful, inappropriate comments people make after your loved one dies by suicide. It happens more than you know. I'm sharing yet another random comment sent by a childhood friend of Mike and I. He's actually the eldest brother of Cayce (I've blogged about her a ton over the year. She is the one who died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16.)

The crazy thing about this particular situation is I haven't seen this guy since his sisters funeral in 1995...yes, that's 20 years. Mike hadn't seen him since 1993. That's 22 years. Even after we retired and returned to our home town he didn't go visit. They never spoke.

He might as well be a stranger. But looking at his message to me you'd think he and Mike were besties and he had some great grudge against me. We lived 2000 miles apart for the majority of those 20 years. However, as I said we hadn't seen him since MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit....

Comments like these are going to happen. My theory is that 1) crazy exists everywhere. 2) suicide survivors are easy targets (we MUST have done SOMETHING to cause their suicide! Eyeroll) 3) They are projecting their own pain and regret onto you. It's easier to blame someone than think about your own choices.

I will be completely honest as always: I sobbed for about three hours after I read that. Just seeing anyone have that sort of hate for me, telling me to kill myself, saying I was a bad wife and they hoped if I didn't succeed in killing myself I'd die in a fire....that can hurt even the toughest. Ironically, I knew there was absolutely no truth to it. I didn't even feel a desire to become defensive or "return fire". I was simply sad. First I cried for myself and then I cried for Mike and Cayce having such short lives. I miss them daily.

I'm sharing this because it can happen at any time. It can completely turn your world upside down. It's been two years since Mike died and 20 for Cayce. I share this so you know it probably will happen at some point. It will most likely bring you to your knees and drudge up every regret you have had about your loved ones suicide. The tears will fall....

And that's ok. It's alright to feel whatever it is you do. Have yourself a cry. Get it out. But keep your perspective. Dont allow a stranger to ruin all the progress you're making. This is an example of how cruel and harsh people can be. And...for no good reason. Just because they can.

With any luck you'll be surrounded by supportive, understanding and nurturing people but just when you're feeling like life is getting even the tiniest bit easier douchebags come along and throw a monkey wrench in your hard work. Pick it up and toss it back...you know not at their face but like their shin or ankle...monkey wrenches can be pretty heavy. We don't want to go to jail...

(If you can dodge a wrench...you can dodge a ball.--Dodgeball ;))

My advice is just don't feel obligated to explain yourself, become defensive, or engage in the shit storm. You know when someone has no clue about the situation. To become defensive in my opinion is to buy in to at least part of their asinine accusation. That means they win. Dont.

If you need reassurance for your damaged ego tell your friends. They will remind you how awesome you are. The people who truly know and care will pick you back up.

Oh and one last thing: in the message he sent me he mentioned I waited Sooo long to advise him of Mikes death. It's not your job to notify childhood friends, acquaintances, his old barber and the bag boy at the grocery store. The last thing you're thinking about is making out a thoughtful evite list. It's a funeral not a garden party. It'll be a miracle if you remember to eat for the first few months...let alone notify practical strangers. Take care of yourself and your family. Let a close friend or family member take care of tasks they can. Alleviate as much stress as you can. Mostly don't accept someone else's projected guilt, grief or sadness. You've got enough of your own.