Yes, this is my life

Suicide... It's like ending an epic novel mid sentence. In my husband's case, that novel had dedicated one page shy of 39 chapters to developing his character. Just for him to disappear. We were invested in his journey. We turned each page biting our nails and praying for a happy ending. Our society is programmed for that...the happy ending. We want all books, movies, shows to be wrapped in a red bow and a satisfying ending. But that's not the reality of suicide. Sadly, there would be more outrage on social media for a poorly finished book than our growing epidemic of veteran suicide deaths daily.  Lately I've been dreaming about Mike a lot. I haven't decided if the dreams are happening because I'm a writer and I think and dream like one or if my subconscious and heart can handle the "stories" easier than the blunt reality. In my dreams he's always back "from the dead". Either he was off in combat and was supposed to be with a unit that w...

Yesterday I began my journey in alternative medicine treating my ptsd. I worked up the courage to be evaluated for the medical use of marijuana. I had to fight my longstanding uneducated opinion of the topic. All my life I'd seen it used illegally and fell into the stigmatized disapproval. But that's not what I'm writing about today, I digress... I walked into the office and sat with many others in the waiting room. I was struck by how many of them looked no different than me. There were normal average looking citizens waiting paitently. No tie dye. There was no incense burning, just other regular unassuming people looking for help. But one lady in particular caught my eye. When she walked in I could tell she was in a lot of pain. She walked with a limp and was a bit slow. When she sat down I could literally feel her discomfort. How we take for granted the ease in which we plop down to rest. She instead took great care and calculation in her approach. She was clad in a b...

As we near the second anniversary of Mikes death I can think of only one regret. That is my kids will never know his side of the family. One day they will ask why we never hear from or see them and I dread that day. I am always as honest as I can be with them. I will have to tell them the truth. That truth is ugly. They accused me of letting him die under my watch and accused me of actually murdering him myself. The told me they wanted nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, they see our kids as an extension of me. Not as individuals who are deserving of their love and attention.  I past any anger I have for them and only feel a sense of sadness. For my kids. They lost their dad and his entire side of his family. His brother and I were always close as kids. Even before I met Mike. I haven't heard from him since the funeral. His sister told me she wants me to burn in hell and that I am evil. His parents send cards on holidays but have no contact with them outside of that. I really fee...

Several times now I've had this terrible dream. I think I know what it means, what my mind is trying to tell me but still it comes. My dreams are usually pretty weird so try to follow if you can... We were on a yacht. Not sure who's yacht but I felt as if I'd been on it before as I could navigate easily around the interior. I've never even been on a yacht so I have no clue what one even looks like. We decided to take the jet skis out. There was this sort of garage door type berth on the rear of the boat. Large enough to pull in and out of with the sea doos. We were out having a blast when I noticed another boat and a shadowy figure throw something overboard and sped off in a rush. From a distance it looked to be a bag of trash. I decided to cruise over and pick it up to toss but as I got closer I realized it wasn't garbage it was a child...beaten badly and in plastic. I panicked. I pulled him up onto my craft and sped to the yacht garage where I gently unwrapped him...

As most of you may already know, my husband took his life just 135 after retiring from the Marines. I am not a vet myself, only the widow of one and I hope you'll still consider what I am about to say regardless. I have spent the past two years assisting Service Members, vets, and their families at risk for suicide. Those struggling with PTSD. After all my experience in this time there are a few things I've learned to be true. If you do nothing else but read this and store it somewhere in the back of your mind I will be satisfied. You may laugh it off now, roll your eyes or think I couldn't possibly know because I'm not a veteran. That is all fine. Just keep reading. There is an excitement and anticipation when nearing the end of your career with the military. You think of all the things you want to do, places to go, people to see. Sometimes these things are stuff you haven't done since you first enlisted as a teenager.  You need to remember you aren't the sam...

In the past few days I've been debating with a few people on Twitter, including Russel Brand the comedian. They are passing a petition around to stop the death penalty for drug mules. I opposed their cause. I disagreed with them. I think the death penalty should be an option. Why? In my opinion bringing drugs into my country is an act of terrorism. You are bringing a weapon of mass destruction into our home. Shoving a pound of heroin or cocaine in your vagina is a death wish either way. Should something go wrong with the packaging it's going to kill you. Should you get busted and give up your source to save your life, the drug producer will kill you. You are actually safer on death row.  And if the substance doesn't kill you, it will likely kill the addicts who recieve it. A mule is assisting their suicide. Addicts are sick. They cannot stop in many cases. They are vulnerable and a mule is just one cog in the machine keeping a person sick.  Drug mules don't know or don...

My entire life I've been anti-drug. I'm ashamed to admit I even looked down on "pot heads". You'd not catch me advocating use and I'd argue with others who did. I held to the belief it was an illegal substance and therefore it was wrong. Well it's not illegal anymore and as crazy as this will sound I do advocate using medical marijuana for anxiety. I learned first hand how powerful it can be for the anxiety related to my ptsd last week. I attended a wedding in Colorado. It was the first wedding I had been to since Mike died and I did the flowers for the reception. Although it was a beautiful joyous occasion my ptsd was triggered. I should have been celebrating but instead I found myself hiding behind a building sweating, heaving, and out of  breath. I got light headed and puked right there. I had a complete panic attack and I was so pissed at myself for not being normal. Why couldn't I get through one damned function without completely embarrassing mys...