Yes, this is my life

This conversation started after I sent the info for the first anniversary memorial service we are planning for Michael.  Just wow. So far since hes been gone they have first accused me of literally killing him now, they are saying Im at fault because he was on my "watch". I have bit my tongue and forgiven them so many times because I know grief makes people want to blame others but fuck that. What about my fucking grief? My kids grief? At no time have they asked how we are doing. My mother in law asked me after his death to not mention the gun he used was the one his dad bought him for Father's Day. I did...at first. I didn't blame him but I keep getting blamed so there you go. The fancy flat black Savage Edge 30-06 rifle. Thats what he used. I know this because in the above conversation Donna made mention that the police report stated I asked him for a divorce three times the day he died. So, I went and re-read the report. I knew it wasn't true. It says I a...

We are planning a Silent Auction/Trivia Night soon to raise funds for the upcoming Suicide Awareness event.( see details for that here  OPERATON:22 ) A lot of my friends are independent business owners. Whether it's Pink Zebra, Scentsy, Perfectly Posh, Avon, Mary Kay, Lemongrass, Pampered Chef. Are you a boutique owner, tax consultant, personal trainer, baker, cake maker, hairstylist, photographer, professional organizer? I am asking, no pleading for you to consider donating a basket for the silent auction. It can be as big or as small as you wish. You can include your business cards to be placed next to the auction item so that bidders can have your contact info for future purchases. Your name will be listed as a sponsor in the program and as well as the day of the event. I will be adding a CTC basket of pretties and a gift certificate for a full halloween costume of your choosing. Friends who dont have a business but would like to donate a basket are welcome and appreciate...

TWENTY-TWO We are nearing on the first year mark of Mikes passing. I decided the best way to honor him is to throw a huge Veteran Suicide/PTSD Awareness Rally in September. On September 15, the first anniversary of his death we will be gathering at the VFW here in Fallbrook California. Its not just a gathering or a rally...its an OPERATION.  Why 22? What is significant about 22?  22 Veterans die by suicide daily in the US. 22% of all suicide in America are Veterans. September 22nd would have been my husband, SSGT. Michael John Blum's 40th birthday. September is Suicide Awareness Month.  We plan to pass out t shirts, bracelets ribbons and bumper-stickers that day. The more shared the more awareness.  We will be doing a balloon release in honor of him and the other 21 veterans who die by suicide every single day. We will have several groups of 22 veterans reving their bikes in unison to symbolize the 22. If loud pipes save lives they wil...

Since going public with my story and finding my voice in the fight for servicemembers with PTSD I have had the honor of speaking with so many wives from the Marines Army and Navy. They know they can come to me and vent, be supported, I wont judge. I cannot even count the wives. Some I knew prior, some a friend of a friend. Some complete strangers and read an article I posted, my blog or the newspaper. Its sad how many of them are feeling exactly the way I did. Their husbands are proud United States Servicemembers who want to continue serving their country but also need help. They feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is one central question that is common with all of us. Its so simple but there is no answer. Their husbands want help but fear they will lose their job, their reputation or their rank. This sort of blow would only further the illness and send them deeper into the abyss of depression. So the question remains: How do I help my spouse without damaging his caree...

I was mad at him when he died. I was past the point of empathy. I no longer had it in me to turn a blind eye to who...and what he had become. In the months leading up to his suicide I had endured enough. My kids had seen enough. We were at our breaking point. For nearly ten years prior to his death my children and I were on the receiving end of whatever was brewing in his mind. My husband had PTSD. At the time of his death he had just retired with 20 years in the Marine Corps. In that decade I had lied for him, made excuses for his behavior and actions, covered for the kids to save them from his rage, denied my own intuition and good sense and watched him slowly fade into a stranger. He had become emotionally and physically abusive to all of us. I finally said ENOUGH. You see, while he was on active duty I accepted the excuse that "work" was the reason for the stress. In the moments he realized he had a problem he said he couldn't seek help. He could lose his job, hi...

Once upon a time I had a social life. I wore makeup and cute shoes. I met my friends for coffee and dinners. Times have changed. I have changed. Everything has changed. When Mike was alive I could leave the house alone. I could stay gone for hours. Wandering through Walmart or the Fabric Store. I never clock watched. I was a stay at home mom so the moments I got out alone I really enjoyed them. I liked smoking in the car. Its stupid but yes, its something I really looked forward to. Just being in the car alone. No kids arguing, no one saying they are hungry or have to pee or dropped their crayons on the floor....silence. Now, I have the kids 24/7. Especially since school is out for the summer. I spend my days at the park and the pool, breaking up fights, feeding them nonstop and picking up after them. I really envy people who can go out whenever they want for as long as they want. Those days are long gone. If I do have a sitter I cannot relax and feel like I am putting others out ...

Hes all over the news lately. Everyone seems to have an opinion and ive been keeping mine to myself. But I think im ready to share now that ive read up on him. Do I think he should have been traded? Yes. I bet thats not a popular opinion. People died trying to rescue him. He left on his own. However.... He is an American service member. My opinion is he should be brought back to American soil and investigated thoroughly.  If hes found to be a traitor, a defector he should be tried as such on American soil by a jury of his peers. He should not be hailed a hero. He should be held responsible for the lives taken in the effort to save him. We do have a responsibility to bring all our men and women home. We do not need to treat him special. As an American hes entitled to certain rights but that does not excuse his actions if they are proven to be true. He is subject to laws like anyone other American. The good news is he probably wont be held in a chicken coop or shark cage here...

Tonight I heard the kids crying after bedtime. I thought they had gotten rowdy and hurt each other. I rushed in expecting to see blood. Inside their room, both kids rushed at me with huge tears in their eyes sobbing that they wanted me to bring their daddy back. In that moment I realized I have never been more angry with him. I felt helpless. I could not give them their dad. He's never coming home. All I could do was apologize and say I missed him too. They have been missing him for most of their lives. He was deployed or in training for over half of the time they were alive. The difference is when he was deployed or just away I could console them by saying we only have X amount of days until we see him again. Or I would tell them we could write him a letter or draw him a picture to mail. I kissed them, told them I love them and walked out of their room.  I went to the patio and looked up to the sky and wanted to scream "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO THEM?!" Instead I cried qui...

Its been nearly a year since Mike died. His passing has made me think a lot about planning my own final wishes etc. There was a lot about his final arrangements I had to decide on my own because we just didnt talk about certain things. I had no idea what it entailed. I am more informed now. And I do have a few specific requests as morbid as it feels at the moment. I am of sound mind and in as good of health as ever. I am not planning on going for a long time. I still have so much left to do. But, I do realize that I am not in control of my destiny. It is Gods will and I have faith. I am now the only parent to Mason and Kira. I want this to be a "go-to" in the event that I do not have a formal will written up at the time of my death. I DO NOT WANT ANY FIGHTING OVER MY WISHES after I pass. No verbal, legal, financial fights. I mean that. If you take each other to court and ruin whats left of my children's happiness I will haunt your dreams. When people go to court they a...

This morning when Kira woke up she said "You wanna know why Mason fell asleep so fast last night?!" I said of course I wanted to know. She said quite bitterly "He had the tiger blankie and its so soft and cuddly. My blanket doesn't have one bit of soft and cuddly!" We have this blanket. Its called the "tiger blanket" but it actually has a lion on it. Its the ugliest thing made but so soft and perfect. Its been around the house since the family was created. Mike brought it back for me from the UAE in 2003. Its older than both Mason and Kira. They have laid on it since birth. Learned to crawl on it. Now at ages 7 and 9 we fight over this blanket. As I type they are arguing over who is sleeping with it tonight. Its 9 in the morning! Its a security blanket to say the least. Its everyone's favorite throw blanket. Its impossible to count how many naps have been taken with it, how many movies its seen, how many cities and town across the US its tr...

I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. I am going to do it right this time too. Today Sean and I took the kids to the beach and while I was sitting there watching the kids play I felt so calm and content. In that moment I knew I made the right choice for us. I am right where I need to be. Enjoying the moment. Not waiting for anything, just living. Since we've moved out to California I have been in the sun everyday. Played with my children. Listened to their laughter. Smiled non stop. This is the beginning of something incredible. Our beautiful life. I have never felt so at peace or so comfortable as right now. Once I thought my life was over but now its just beginning. I am so happy. I feel so grateful and lucky even.