Yes, this is my life

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when I was 30. On and off I was really sick for a few years. One of the reasons I've been so angry with Mike is because he knew I had this and he knew some days I can hardly walk and he left me alone to provide and care for the kids. I know he was mentally ill and could not rationally process that but it's a fact. And I also acquired PTSD with his death. I really thought for a while after he died my illness improved. Unfortunately, the grief and ptsd symptoms just sort of blurred all together and I can't even tell what is causing which issue. I know that stress triggers both conditions. I have been under a great deal of stress lately. Three weeks ago Lulu died. If you have been a long time follower you'd know she was Mikes dog. She's the reason he held on so long. She was not a dog. She was just as much a part of our family as the rest of us. Sometimes it was only Lu that could make Mike smile. After he died she was o...

I've become  pretty familiar with my VA Rep. He's been working the Mikes death claim since July. He's a Marine himself and has done his best to be as thorough as possible in assessing the claim. He's very respectful, warm and friendly. I can tell he really cares. If I had a say he would train all VA representatives but I don't think the traits he possesses can be learned...they are rather earned in life. He can empathize because he knows the life we led. He is the one person in this entire mess I feel doesn't treat Mike like a claim number in a list of many. I wrote him this letter today. I just thought I would share: I'm sending another email exchange with myself and a former coworker of my husband's on Recruiting duty. Kim Leone. A Sgt at that time and the PR rep for the entire recruiting station. She too noticed the change in Mike. Recalling he was the "poster boy for the Marines" before becoming broken and despondent. I forgot she even exi...

Ive decided to look for a Church for my family. How do you find a church when your personal beliefs don't really fit any specific faith? I've been told if you don't believe all of it, you're not "xyz". Well I'm not any faith I've researched so far then. I have always identified myself as Christian. I believe in one God...and that's pretty much where it drops off. I have a strong spiritual and personal relationship to my God. I do believe he is a fair, loving, forgiving, accepting God. I do t believe he is a spiteful or angry God. I believe in Gay marriage. If in God's eyes we are all his children and equal...and in heaven we are not man nor woman but joyfully loving spirit filled beings of light...why would he really care who we loved on Earth as long as we loved...and often?  I don't think suicide is a sin. I certainly won't take my children to a church for them to tell them he's in hell for being mentally ill. I think we were pu...

I am biased I guess because I already know what happens when a veteran commits suicide. I've been living it for nearly a year and a half. My husband, a recently retired Marine with 20 years of service took his life in 2013. He left behind myself and our three kids. It's been devastating. I back the Clay Hunt Act because I can't imagine another child crying themselves to sleep at night because their dad is gone. Sure, they had cried many night before as daddy was deployed nearly 3 years total of their life. It was different then, I could tell them he would be back soon. He was our hero. He was not with us so that other girls and boys could grow up in a safe place.  Now when they cry for him all I can do is lie right down next to them and cry too. I can only tell them I am sorry. He loved them to the moon and back and he's now up protecting God in heaven. How could anyone not vote to save  not just the brave men and women  but their little children who sacrificed most of...

I often think back to the days, weeks and months leading up to Mikes death just trying to recall if there were any red flags. Was there something I missed? He never once mentioned suicide in that period. I think maybe it's because when he did in 2005 I took it seriously and tried to get him help. He knew I wouldn't just brush it off. He didn't want to be saved this time. I have come to believe that as a fact. I also wonder why he chose to do it in front of me, in our home with our children sleeping just feet away. I have a suspicion that he may have attempted it before but could not go through with it. I think he did it to put me in a position where I would act and he would have no choice but follow through. He knew if I saw him walking around the house with that loaded rifle I would call the police. He planned it. It wasn't a coincidence. For the longest time I thought maybe he wasn't planning on hurting himself that night but my calling 911 provoked him. It was ...

I understand that the problems the children and I are encountering now after Mikes death are a direct result of the decisions he made before he died. With that being said, I don't fault him for our misfortune. Afterall, he was sick. We didn't qualify for life insurance after he died. There was automatic coverage for 120 after retirement. He died on the 135th day. He did not elect to continue insurance. That's the answer the VA gave. What the VA doesn't understand is the mindset of a man who is contemplating suicide isn't thinking rationally about responsible choices. Suicide is clearly not a great choice. That in itself should be an indicator. And of course I had no idea we needed to do it. Communication wasn't really easy at the end of his life. His death was not ruled Service Connected because he was too proud or delusional to admit he had a problem...so there was no record he had a problem. He was never seen by a professional for his PTSD. He killed hi...

I now know my purpose in life is to help others struggling. I never thought I'd be here but God has his ways. I believe He led me here in his divine way. Ultimately my goal is to speak personally and in groups to at risk veterans and their spouses. I want to share my story, offer support, red flags, resources to help prevent veteran suicide and educate them on symptoms and signs of ptsd. I have been on both sides of the illness. Having ptsd is incredibly hard but so is being the caretaker. The condition affects the entire family. I would love to help eradicate the stereotypes that surround ptsd and suicide both. I want it to become as acceptable as to say you have diabetes. I would love to see a group of veterans, surviving spouses, caretakers and mental health pros work together traveling across the country speaking to vets and active duty alike. For instance my husband was a Marine and before retiring took a transition/retirement class. I would love to offer this sort of educa...

I understand there may be hesitation on passing Clay Hunt. If you've never had to rely on the VA for mental health services you'd think programs are currently in place. On paper it looks as though a comprehensive range of services are provided. I can tell you personally it's just not working. I can give you 22 reasons a day. 22 veterans take their lives daily in the United States. My husband was one. He became a statistic on September 15, 2013. It was just four months after he retired from the Marine Corps. He left behind myself and our three children. I became a widow at 34. My children were six, eight and 13 when he died. My youngest, the only girl, may not even remember her father as time goes by. He won't be there to see them graduate, or to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.  Every 65 minutes another child loses their daddy, another wife loses her identity and a family is forever severed. We were not awarded life insurance or death benefits and ...

http://www.youcaring.com/help-a-neighbor/help-wa-veteran-family-from-becoming-homeless/288458#.VK89sduRSk5.mailto My birthday will be Saturday. Despite all the kids and I have been through, God has provided us with health, a roof over our head, food in our bellies and great friends and family to support us through the most traumatic period of our lives. We are truly blessed. We have all we need and some of our wants. With that being said I would like to request a different kind of birthday gift. Please consider helping this vets family. I know them personally. The husband is struggling with PTSD and I know from experience, the stress of financial concerns compounds the ptsd. Even if it's just one dollar. That dollar will show them the military community has their back. We care. If you can't donate please just share on social media. Alleviating some stress can make all the difference in the world. I trust they will make their goal because that's what makes the military com...