Yes, this is my life

Once upon a time my worst fear was that one of my kids would die. After the loss of their father I realized that the survivors are the ones who suffer...not the dead. Someday, when they go to heaven they will feel no pain, no loss, no anger, no resentment. They will be surrounded by light. It would be me who felt the grief. My worst fear is that I should die. I would leave them alone in the world, orphans. That is my fear. Unlike my husband I want to live. I want to be here for them for all the highs and lows in their ever changing lives. If I were gone they would have to live the rest of their days with neither of us to love and guide them. That scares me most. Yes, at times living is a struggle now but I am determined to help them become all they were meant to be. Its always in the back of my mind. I avoid taking risks because of this fear. Its in my thoughts when I start my car and put my seat belt on. Its a fleeting consideration when I kiss them good night. I'm trying to ...

I was helping a fellow widow today with her VA fight for Service Connection and DIC. Her story is eerily similar to mine. Shes struggling much the way I was in that period. Our grief is delayed in situations when having to shift all of our focus on fighting the VA during a death claim. We cannot focus on our hurt, pain, frustration, acceptance of our loss because we go into battle mode. The topic becomes a matter of business. The person we loved and lost is spoken of cold and matter of fact. We say the word "suicide" as if its just a technicality. The entirety of the loss can not be processed because we have to fight to protect his name and provide for our kids. It isn't until the VA fight is over and we no longer have that focus and drive in our mission that we can really grieve. We absolutely feel it through the process but we have a way of  projecting all the feelings we have about our loss on the VA. THEY are the reason we are so upset. THEY make us cry. THEY mak...

My life now is the best possible case scenario after the great loss of my husband. Not everyone is as fortunate. My kids are doing so amazing. So well adjusted. Magna Cum Laude in the Honor Society. They are social and kind. They are so resilient. I have a partner who truly treats me like an equal. He is supportive, so connected and understanding. Most of all he loves my kids. He knows the perfect balance of being a loving father figure and honoring their dad. Hes proud of them and their relationship is so wonderful. We have material possessions, food in the fridge, money in the bank and laughter in our home. That's why...it weighs so heavily on my heart feeling an emptiness. Its a hollow, numb dark and lonely place. It's a domino effect because the sadness leads to guilt because I realize and appreciate fully, all the gifts we have been given. My life is beautiful. I feel guilty because I have such a great life just three years after my soul mate died. And that rolls into...

They say there is a grief in divorce. It is after all the death of a marriage. I was married the first time very young...right out of high school. The marriage lasted a quick four years. We were both too young to truly appreciate or even understand the commitment of marriage. We had a three year old son when our divorce was final. I can recall the period of grief in the wake of our separation. The feelings of guilt of sadness at the end of our union. But that's where the similarities end in my experience. There shouldn't even be a comparison. In my divorce I was allowed the luxury of screaming and shouting and venting to my future ex husband.  I could tell him how I felt and even blame him for his part in the dissolution of our marriage. I could  look him I his eye and see his emotion too. I could harbor resentment and anger toward him. These feelings are typical and acceptable in a divorce. It's average. It's expected. We spent years in court fighting over custody of o...

Eventhough we're rapidly approaching 2016 and it'll be the third calendar year since Mike's suicide I still experience brief flashes of anger and resentment. Not at him, exactly. At the whole situation. My friends husband's are all beginning to retire and move on to the next phase of their lives and it reminds me of how excited we were right before Mike retired and how hopeful we were about the next chapter in our lives. He told me once if I gave him and the Marines the first 20 years...the following 20 was all mine. I guess he wasn't wrong. It is all mine. He's gone now. That's not at all what I had in mind. I just really pisses me off. I stuck out all the deployments, moving cross country, his PTSD and disappointments. I got 135 days after the Marines chewed Him Up AND Spit Him out... Luckily the bursts are fleeting. I feel it and get through it. Put it behind me. Why didn't we get to do all the things we worked so hard for? We both earned it. I am ...

Many moms of autistic kids have told me personally their child would never go near water. They are terrified of water. It makes me cringe when I hear it. In my experience, autistic kids are more curious than the average child. About just anything. They also lack the impulse control that an average child might use when investigating bodies of water. I can tell you from personal experience that my son, who is on the spectrum is drawn to water. Has been his entire life. We had to teach him to swim very early because his grandparents had a pool and even then we still had to keep an eagle eye on him. Just getting swim lessons doesn't protect them. In some cases it gives a false sense of security. Autistic kids have a tendency to run. Not maliciously either. They could be standing at the front door when something catches their eye. Like I said autistic kids a curious, they will be out the door and down the street in a blink. Shoes, no shoes, one sock and one shoe. Details like that are c...

The pain of losing your spouse is indescribable. It is harder than any physical pain I've ever had to endure. I've given birth three times. Two of them by csection. I've have all my wisdom teeth pulled. I've had a portion of my ovary removed...all of that combined pales in comparison to the constant ache of his death. When you have a baby the pain is only for a brief time. When the pain ends you're richly rewarded with a whole little person who has your eyes and your husband's nose. When you have surgery, you'll recover and with any luck feel better than before you had the procedure. There is no end game in suicide. The pain is everlasting and you never really "recover". You just invent new and creative ways to apply a bandaid to a severed arm. Eventually that bandaid does slip off and the wound reopens. And it always happens without notice, the most inopportune moments. Time to get creative again. You realize you'll never have your hand back....

Today a mentee asked me how to tell her kids that their father died by suicide. I'm not a doctor or expert by any means so I offered her my person experience in letting my own kids know. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell my kids their dad is in heaven and to follow that with the fact that he took his own life. I know this is a biggie. It weighs on every surviving parents shoulders and in our hearts. It's a nagging anxiety ridden question in our minds. It keeps us up at night. How do we explain something we as adults don't even fully understand?  I read every book, googled, spoke to my therapist, spoke to other survivors and did as much soul searching as I could before I talked to my two youngest children about their dad. I slept on it, prayed on it and really reached deep to find the best way to approach the topic. My youngest two were six and eight when he died. My eldest was fourteen. He had more life experience and could understand comp...

I have written many times about the hurtful, inaccurate, hateful, inappropriate comments people make after your loved one dies by suicide. It happens more than you know. I'm sharing yet another random comment sent by a childhood friend of Mike and I. He's actually the eldest brother of Cayce (I've blogged about her a ton over the year. She is the one who died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16.) The crazy thing about this particular situation is I haven't seen this guy since his sisters funeral in 1995...yes, that's 20 years. Mike hadn't seen him since 1993. That's 22 years. Even after we retired and returned to our home town he didn't go visit. They never spoke. He might as well be a stranger. But looking at his message to me you'd think he and Mike were besties and he had some great grudge against me. We lived 2000 miles apart for the majority of those 20 years. However, as I said we hadn't seen him since MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit.....

I have written many times about the hurtful, inaccurate, hateful, inappropriate comments people make after your loved one dies by suicide. It happens more than you know. I'm sharing yet another random comment sent by a childhood friend of Mike and I. He's actually the eldest brother of Cayce (I've blogged about her a ton over the year. She is the one who died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16.) The crazy thing about this particular situation is I haven't seen this guy since his sisters funeral in 1995...yes, that's 20 years. Mike hadn't seen him since 1993. That's 22 years. Even after we retired and returned to our home town he didn't go visit. They never spoke. He might as well be a stranger. But looking at his message to me you'd think he and Mike were besties and he had some great grudge against me. We lived 2000 miles apart for the majority of those 20 years. However, as I said we hadn't seen him since MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit.....

Do you remember being a first time mom? You have this tiny little person who depends completely on you and you honestly have no clue what you're doing despite reading a boat load of books in preparation. You spend your time checking on them as they sleep instead of...you know, sleeping too. You jump at every noise they make. Are they cold? Are they hungry? Are they sick? You worry constantly. The books say the risk for SIDS is dramatically reduced after age one so for pretty much the whole year you're obsessed with making sure they are still breathing.... ...this anxiety is the closest to how I can describe what it's like parenting emotionally damaged kids in the wake of their fathers suicide. I am constantly questioning if their behavior is age appropriate or a result of their trauma. Kids are resilient. That's what the therapists and books say. But just like having an infant for the first time nothing in books matter...keeping your kid happy and healthy matters. Commo...

Being a young widow is a unique and very odd place to be. When you lose a parent, no one expects you to go out and find a replacement. When you lose a child or sibling, no one can ever fill that spot. However...when you lose a spouse at a young age you are expected and encouraged to go out and find love again. It's a double edged sword too. One opinion is you're replacing your spouse "too soon" and you're judged for it. The other opinion is you haven't healed from the loss and you're emotionally stunted...also judge for it. It's unfair because you're judged either way. No other family dynamic is judged so harshly after loss. It's part society and part psychology. When you feel you will be judged you're going to notice the judgment so much more.  I would like to say "fuck them all" and do what feels best for you but I'm going through it too and that advice is so much easier said than done. I wish it were that easy.... I keep ha...

Things happen after a loved one passes. Sometimes everything and everyone reminds you of them. A song you know they loved comes on the radio. It calms you. Comforts you. You think it could be a coincidence but what a welcomed one...and right when you least expected it. You let the tears flow. It's a cleansing cry. For one brief second you feel as connected to that loved one as you can be. It feels good. Especially when it's been a long time since you felt their presence. You don't care if it coincidence or not you needed it. And then...there is a day like I have had today when it seems this can be no coincidence. It feels as if they are trying to get your attention. So much so that you have to sit down and really consider it's possibility. Let me start from the beginning... This morning I woke up to my dog barking his head off. I thought maybe the doorbell rang. I stumbled down the steps and to the front door...nope. nothing. I walked around the house looking at the p...

I spend a lot of time listening to newly bereaved military widows. I have learned many things in the combination of those chats and my personal experience. If I were asked if I had any advice I would share the few things I'm certain of grief early on. First, There is this time period after a death in which everyone you've ever met comes out if the wood works to show support, lend a hand, make a meal etc. I don't know if it has an official term but I call it the "novelty phase". Most people are well meaning and some just like the attention they get by "being so supportive". It lasts about a month or two. You'll be overwhelmed with cards and flowers and calls. But one day it all disappears. To those newly grieving appreciate it on face value but don't be surprised when they fade off. It can really be disappointing but it's human nature. Have you ever seen chickens eat? You throw down grain and they are mob up peck! Peck! Peck!. You throw anoth...

Death has a way of showing the best and the worst in people. In a natural death the #1 cause of family conflict is money. Suicide...that's a whole different ball game. In my experience the source of conflict in these sad stories is misdirected anger, guilt and denial. It has a way of making a mountain out of a molehill and snowballing out of control. The conflicts that come up can tear a family apart and ruin relationships for life. 55% of suicide surviving families report major conflict within the family. I've blogged about my personal experience and know all too well how the blaming and shaming that happens is like salt in an already laid open wound. My inlaws could not accept their son took his own life. I was blamed in every way possible. Some things said: "He died on your watch. It's your fault. You'll burn in hell." "He knew it is a sin to commit suicide. He would NEVER do THAT" "If you were more of an asset to your husband, he'd still...

After Mike died I did so many things out of character. I made a lot of mistakes and I regret most of them. I was so self destructive, self loathing and just broken. One of my regrets wasn't a something but a someone. Although I was in my deepest grief, I do take responsibility for my actions and behavior .  Let me start off by saying I have truly loved only four men in my life: Mike, Jay, Tony, and Sean. Each one I loved as much as I could in that time period in my life. I married two of the four. I am what some would call a "serial-monogamist". I've never had casual sex, one night stands or been unfaithful. It's just not the way I'm made. I most certainly never slept with a married man...until Mike died. Looking back I can very logically see why I entered into a relationship with a married man in the wake of Mike's suicide. I just wanted to feel wanted, to be desirable but not get my emotions involved. I felt abandoned. Who better to do that with than a m...

I discovered an app after Mike died that goes back in time to recover what you posted every year from the date on social media. I found it really helped with my grief reading what our family was up to in snapshots of time. The one I saw today brought back such vivid memories of the hazy time period just after Mike passed. It was the morning I was released from the psychiatric facility I was admitted into the night before. It was the most surreal experience. I learned quite a bit in the 8 hours I stayed...and I was asleep for 6 of them. It was just about one month to the date that Mike had died. I was not coping in ways I felt were safe. I slept all day. Awake all night. I was avoiding everyone. I had sought comfort in the arms and company of an old boyfriend who was married. I was drinking, smoking pot and taking any pill someone offered to numb the pain. People were well meaning but there was no shortage of drugs being handed to me in that time. Me...Miss Anti Drug...the girl who di...

While I was at the seminar for TAPS this weekend I spoke to so many survivors. I made it a point to seek out those alone and get to know those stories. I can tell when someone is really struggling from across the room. I can literally feel their grief. I am drawn to them. I would sit down and ask about their loved one. Their name. Their relationship. Eventually I would ask them to tell me the funniest fondest memory. You could see the body language change. They were no longer focusing on death and loss but on life and living. I'm convinced this is vital to the grief process. To remember the person they lost...not how they died. The fellow survivor would perk up and a smile would come across their faces as they strolled through their happy memories to find one that they most wanted to share. I gave them as much time they needed to pick. It wasn't so much about my desire to hear the best one but an opportunity for them to feel the joy of being in the presence of the loved one th...

Today the journalist who interviewed me told me I was brave. It's not the first time I've been told this and it catches me off guard every time. ...I'm not brave. I'm scared all the time. I didn't choose this life. I did the best I could with what I was given. Brave are the men and women who serve our country knowing the risks and consequences of war. Brave is the firefighter who runs into a burning building to save a family. I didn't decide to climb a brutal mountain knowing I may succumb to the elements. My husband died. Too early. I became the only parent to my kids and I did what I had to do to ensure their lives are safe and secure. I wasn't given the opportunity to weigh pros and cons. I didn't see it coming. While I am flattered to be called brave, I don't feel comfortable in that role. I got through it. What happened just "is". If I had a choice he would still be here and would have been in treatment. Bravery to me is a conscious ...

About a year ago I was on the phone with the head of Peer Mentor Training for TAPS. ( for those that don't know that is the Tragedy Assistance Program a unique non profit that supports the loved ones of service members who have died. Google them...they are amazing.) We were chatting about the upcoming national seminar taking place in Washington DC. He mentioned that it is a great experience but suggested for my first Seminar I should attend the annual suicide seminar because it is so specific to my loss. Well, I know good advice when I hear it! (Thank you Don L!) I was on a plane and headed to Colorado Springs not knowing what to expect. I was nervous and anxious and thought this was going to be emotionally draining and overall depressing being surrounded by so many people in such great pain. My assumption was wrong... First off the resort the event was held was breath taking. The view, the property it sat on, the staff...all top notch. I arrived a day ahead of the kick off for m...

Next week I am off to the Annual TAPS suicide Survivor seminar. I just learned today that several members from the VA and DOD will be present and meeting with the head of TAPS and survivors to gain more insight to the causes and effect of veteran suicide. I was told that I may be able to share my thoughts and also ask questions personally. I'm excited and nervous. I want to give them all that I've learned from survivors and military families at risk.  Some of my questions are about the suicide reports published by the DOD. They cite several commonalities in suicides they've studied. Some of them really bother me. Most of them are fairly generic and barely scratch the surface of the real core issues facing suicidal service members. The first one I can recall off the top of my head is marital issues. All marriages, civilian and military go through periods of strife. The difference I believe is coping skills. If you were to ask 100 couples in which one spouse was dealing with ...