Yes, this is my life

Mikes sister sent Kira a letter last week with a DVD inside. It was a memorial slideshow. I watched it with her. It had a big impact on me. The photos were of him and his family from birth until he graduated bootcamp. That was 20 years ago. The pictures just stop at age 19. It made me realize that his family didn't know him. It made me feel sorry for them. They weren't estranged in that time, they just made a choice to not communicate. It at first infuriated me. All of the harsh words and allegations they made of me and they didn't bother to get to know him as a man. I did. I stuck by him through the good and bad times. I finally made peace with it. It all made sense. They were projecting their own guilt on to me. They were so shocked and denied he could or would take his own life...it's because they really didn't know him at all. I've decided to list what I know about him. Even the little quirky details. Should I ever start to forget, or if the kids ask who h...

Since we are leaving for our holiday trip soon I will get a jump on my Thanksgiving entry. Despite such great sorrow experienced in our life the past 14 months I am very thankful, some might be surprised by that. I have so much to be grateful for: *I have three smart beautiful funny healthy strong loving kids. *My belly is full and the roof over my head is warm. *I have a very supportive partner who is patient and kind and shares in my grief. He loves my kids like they're his own. Their relationship is beautiful. *I have two adorable but stinky dogs who love me. *I have the best friends anyone could hope for. *We live in such a beautiful place. *I had the honor of spending 11 years of my life with my late husband. The good times outweighed the bad. The memories will last a lifetime. I miss so many things about him. He was with woodworking the way I'm with sewing. I'd just give him an idea and he'd have it done by the end if the day. We did so many projects toge...

Occasionally I wonder what it would be like if I randomly got amnesia and couldn't remember my past. Would it be worth losing the good memories in order to forget the bad. I am not sure but it's something I think about, would I be capable of happiness true happiness again? I wake up groggy and force myself out of bed daily. It sometimes takes hours for me to get motivated to do...anything. Lately I'm emotional and sensitive. I cry several times a day. My health is declining. I wake up choking at night and have terrible sinus infections. I know I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to die, I just want to be left alone by everyone. I'm disorganized, forgetful, irresponsible, tired, uninspired. I'm getting worse not better. Everyone is looking to me to be strong so I just avoid them. I don't want to be strong right now. Or, I do but it's just too much work. I pray a lot. I ask for strength to get through "this". What is "this"? Will I ...

I'm angry but I'm not sure at who exactly? He's dead, I have PTSD and the VA cares very little. My soul is damaged. My confidence is shattered. My emotions are raw. I'm trying my hardest to not ask "why me?" I'm stressed to the max. My symptoms seem to be in overdrive. Just now sitting here accessing my triggers it occurred to me that the word trigger itself is a trigger. A gun has a trigger. A gun was used to take his life. Then I relive that night again. My brain is swimming as incoherently as I type this blog. This is my life. This is my brain. It's a cluttered mess. I don't know what to do about anything. I don't have the motivation to even brush my hair or straighten up my house. I just want to sleep. Today I don't really have any hope life will get better. Hopefully tomorrow will be a different story. You want the reality of what life is like after  devastating  loss? This is it. Some days I feel like I can do anything. Today I...

Sometimes dealing with grief and PTSD is like being bipolar. Only the highs and lows are much faster and really gave no pattern. The past week has been super rough on me. It started Saturday. I found out a childhood friend from back home took his life. And in the same manner a Mike did. It triggered flashbacks and I was pretty much a mess the rest of the day. Strike One. We decided on the spur if the moment to hop in the truck and take the RV to the beach on base for a few days. The beach that my kids connect most with their dad, the beach we spent dozens of days wave jumping building sandcastles and chasing birds most of the kids life. Second Whammy . Monday was the Marine Corps birthday. I was awake to watch the sunrise. I stood there on the beach feeling such a mixed bag of emotion. I dropped to my knees and just cried. And kept crying until the kids woke up and we went rock hunting. Third breakdown. Tuesday was Veterans Day. How can that not be difficult? More sobbing. ...I...

Last week I sent the kids school photos to family. Including Mikes siblings and parents. Mostly because I know it's the right thing to do. Despite their hatred for me or how they hurt me when I needed them the most. Mikes mom and sister accused me of killing Mike on several occasions and also blamed me for not being able to stop him on another. It cut me to the core. I was already down and they kicked me. My therapist told me it's not uncommon for people grieving and in denial to blame others. So I worked had and allowed my heart to forgive them. My kids have no idea about what they have said to me. I never would want them to feel anything but love. Today...quite unexpectedly I got a very sincere and heartfelt thank you card from them. It's a start .