Yes, this is my life

I missed you today. Well, I miss you everyday but this morning more than usual. I found my first ever GRAY HAIR. I plucked it out and stared at it forever. I thought about your reaction had you been here. I know you would have had a ball with the news. You'd say something like " you don't know it's your first ever. You've been bleaching your hair since we were teenagers! You'd give me shit about getting old and I'd give you the look that you know means you better run. I'd chase you down the hall, though the kitchen and dining room, the kids join in the attack as surely as we made way to the living room and at the foot of the stairs you'd toss yourself on the steps and the kids would jump on you like spider monkeys. My minions. I'd declare myself avenged and tell you that I might have a gray hair but I'll always be younger than you! At some point I know I'm going to need to stop imagining what you'd say to things if you were still he...

I'm sure by now you've read that I have chosen to go the medical marijuana route for my anxiety and insomnia. Because of it I have been able to stop two prescribed pharmaceuticals Kolonipin and Trazadone. I've been on it for just over a year now and overall I'm very happy. I use it in the late evening and it really does what I need. I've been educated on the strains sativa, indica and hybrids. I know now when to use what and for which symptoms to switch. Before this I didn't even know there were different types of marijuana. I thought it was all the same. I never really used it even as a teen. Maybe a handful of times total in my life socially. Never actually purchased it personally. I had always had such a negative view of it. I lumped it in with any other illegal substance. I'm probably the last person you would think partakes. I'm a convert, it's true. Because it's made my life so much easier. With THAT being said...and with my commitment of ...

I spent this past weekend at the National Suicide Survivors Seminar given by TAPS where I'm a proud Peer Mentor. I'm not just a member of a group but a part of a family and this is so good for the soul. It was in Florida this year. The resort was beautiful and the company I was in...top notch. On the last night of the event I walked out to see the most brilliant sky. It was literally and symbolically breathtaking. We don't get clouds like that here in southern California. As I was snapping a few photos it occurred to me that this phenomenon could perfectly describe the way PTSD and Vet Suicide progress. I stood there nearly in tears considering the fact. This is a visual example of something that many of us understand but few can put into words. This is an exerpt from an email I sent earlier in which I do my best to convey how PTSD progresses with time. I hope you can connect. Maybe it can help you understand your own struggles or those of your loved one: These people do...

Day 1 Friday September 30 Flight arrived on time in Tampa. Picked up my rental car and drove to Tradewinds Resort in St. Pete. This resort is huge. It's humid as shit. The weather is going through menopause. Hot and humid one moment...raining the next. Five minutes later hot again with no evidence it even rained to begin with. Rinse and repeat. The Gulf of Mexico looks a lot like the Lake of the Ozarks. I registered as instructed. Ran to the Pavillion to eat before next scheduled event. I got my plate at the buffet and purposely found an empty corner table. I sat quietly enjoying my meal. This was my quiet before the storm. I relished in the few moments recharging, looked at my phone, noticed the time and jumped up to rush to next event. As I turned around I was met by another TAPS member with a Team Leader shirt on. She asked me if I was ok. I was puzzled. Asked why? She said she saw me eating alone. I giggled. I told her that was intentional as I am trying to get "me ti...

What I've learned above all since his death is suicidology . Not just the sterile clinical study of what causes suicide but rather, the raw ugly reality of how the mind of someone considering suicide really works. It can't be summed up in meaningless often misleading statistics. The focus has been so firmly sighted on the number 22 that it's completely lost its meaning. The public has forgotten that those 22 were fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters sons and daughters. They were people who were loved and people who are sorely missed every minute of every day. Suicidology isn't just the study of what causes suicide and the prevention of a death...it's giving a suicidal person hope and the tools to tackle their demons. Preventing a death isn't good enough...not with out the understanding and trust that it can and will get better. It's not just prolonging a life...afterall, you can stop the suicide today but if they aren't given the proper skills and resou...

I am 100% convinced that the partner I have chosen in this leg of my journey has made it possible to heal and love again. I owe him a debt of gratitude for allowing me to come to terms with my reality as a team. He shares in our loss and is patient understanding and humble. Losing your spouse especially at a young age is incredibly difficult. On one hand you're expected to grieve "properly" and the other: to "move on". Both are unrealistic expectations by friends and family...a society really who do not truly understand this grief. There is no proper way to grieve and you never really move on.  These things are myth. Being a majority belief or concept doesn't make it the right belief or concept. That is a hard road for us. Just knowing that these beliefs are expected by others but that we don't have to give the people what they want. By nature we want to please those around us. Pleasing others will not help us ultimately and many of us learn that the ha...

This is my "introduction" for new Mentees and maybe just for those of you just beginning to read my blog. There's nothing really unique about me or my story. I'm just an average 37 year old mom of three in most aspects. I guess the only difference is that I became a widow at age 34. That is a very young age to lose your spouse. My husband and I grew up in the same subdivision in a small town outside of St. Louis, Missouri. Our brothers were both named Jimmy/Jimmie and the same age. They were friends first. I met my husband Mike when I was a freshman in high school. He had just graduated and enlisted in the Marines. So I guess you could say I'd known him pretty much my whole life. We were in each others lives in some way or the other for 20 years when he died. We were married for 11 of them. Friends first, partners for life. We got married in Vegas. In a Drive Thru. We were married in January of 2003. Two weeks before the war was officially declared in Iraq. He...