Yes, this is my life

So many teen/pre-teen suicides are being blamed on bullying these days. Before I even begin I will say bullying is wrong. It is painful and never appropriate. Having said this, I want to explain why it's usually not just due to bullying. Being bullied is usually just another effect in the perfect storm of a suicidal person. What I mean is, although there was clear evidence the girl or boy was being bullied it's probably NOT the only reason they were in that desperate mindset where suicide seemed like a plausible way out. Was it a layer in the shit cake they had, absolutely.  The reality is many many people are bullied. I was bullied. From the age of 11. I even stopped riding the school bus in middle school because an 8th grader on the bus told me, if I got on she was going to beat my ass right off again. Luckily it was toward the end of the year, the weather was not bad and she was going to 9th grade next so I knew I could return to the bus at the beginning of the next year....

I've not been writing a lot lately because just as I was once told I am slowly able to live my life unbound by the immense grief of losing my husband. The grief is still there. The loss will be felt forever, but I am not crippled by the emptiness the way I once was. As of now, I can go days or weeks without having to break down in tears. My days are starting to resemble an ordinary average mom and woman. I get up and go to work, take care of my kids, volunteer, laugh and love. I experience great joy and pride. I can feel these thing without the overwhelming guilt that I had when I first became a widow. It was very hard to feel happiness knowing he was not there to share it. I have gotten to the point that I know its okay to feel good. I am even "content" most days. I am so grateful for what I have and where my life is going despite the loss. My life doesn't revolve around his death and my despair anymore. This doesn't mean I'm "over it". If no o...

Everytime I have to register for anything medical I am asked the obligatory  insurance questions. I have to go through the same conversationas everyone else with one exception. Who is my Tricare sponsor?It's Mike. What is his social security number? "So, you said it's through your husband. You're married?" No widowed. ...Then the awkward moment.  They stumble through the next few questions apologizing etc. I end up feeling worse for them for having to ask and be embarrased or feeling bad for me. I appreciate having medical insurance very much but I always dread that part. Not for myself. For the person who is about to ask. Sometimes they are surprised and say "but, honey...you're so young..." or some random observation. It really sucks the happiness right out of them.  I think in that moment they realize their worst fear in me. I can see it in their eyes. I have tried many ways to buffer the reaction and even semi-prepare them before I answe...

In an effort to track down my great grandma's (Minnie Berry b1909) life in Oklahoma I initially had two pieces of evidence to go on. Her parents names (John Berry 1863 & Effie Satterwhite 1893) and one 1910 census record showing all three living in the home with the correct birthdays and names. Then I tracked down her parents marriage record in a local town. (She was 30 years younger than him!) I knew he died shortly after her birth. She was just 3 years old when her dad died. I was able to hunt down a death certificate that I had a hunch was his. Most of the time I can view them free online but this one I could not so I ordered it through the state of oklahoma. I waited for weeks and it finally came. BINGO! It was him. There were a few clues that helped me further on my investigation. His cause of death was Malaria. (Malaria is from mosquitos, mosquitos are frequent near water. The puzzle is coming together) His occupation was "Fisherman". That word reminded me of ...

I watched the new documentary about the Newtown survivors. I know the story. I recognize the families and I feel strongly about the two aspects of event. 1) I am the survivor of traumatic loss. 2) I am the mother of a child on the spectrum. It's deeply personal to me. I feel like the tragedy should be broken into these two separate but equal topics of discussion. So I will address them this way. Today about the trauma. In the future perhaps, I will find a way to get into the second part. I think it was probably very well intended that there was NO MENTION of Adam Lanza in the latest documentary. It was no coincidence, for this I am pretty sure. The primary focus was on the surviving families loss and their grief journey. In this respect it is easy to prioritize and separate the two pages of the issue. As a survivor of a traumatic loss I immediately identified with the emotions and actions of those interviewed. The lyrics to "Killing Me Softly" best describe listenin...