Yes, this is my life

Things happen after a loved one passes. Sometimes everything and everyone reminds you of them. A song you know they loved comes on the radio. It calms you. Comforts you. You think it could be a coincidence but what a welcomed one...and right when you least expected it. You let the tears flow. It's a cleansing cry. For one brief second you feel as connected to that loved one as you can be. It feels good. Especially when it's been a long time since you felt their presence. You don't care if it coincidence or not you needed it. And then...there is a day like I have had today when it seems this can be no coincidence. It feels as if they are trying to get your attention. So much so that you have to sit down and really consider it's possibility. Let me start from the beginning... This morning I woke up to my dog barking his head off. I thought maybe the doorbell rang. I stumbled down the steps and to the front door...nope. nothing. I walked around the house looking at the p...

I spend a lot of time listening to newly bereaved military widows. I have learned many things in the combination of those chats and my personal experience. If I were asked if I had any advice I would share the few things I'm certain of grief early on. First, There is this time period after a death in which everyone you've ever met comes out if the wood works to show support, lend a hand, make a meal etc. I don't know if it has an official term but I call it the "novelty phase". Most people are well meaning and some just like the attention they get by "being so supportive". It lasts about a month or two. You'll be overwhelmed with cards and flowers and calls. But one day it all disappears. To those newly grieving appreciate it on face value but don't be surprised when they fade off. It can really be disappointing but it's human nature. Have you ever seen chickens eat? You throw down grain and they are mob up peck! Peck! Peck!. You throw anoth...

Death has a way of showing the best and the worst in people. In a natural death the #1 cause of family conflict is money. Suicide...that's a whole different ball game. In my experience the source of conflict in these sad stories is misdirected anger, guilt and denial. It has a way of making a mountain out of a molehill and snowballing out of control. The conflicts that come up can tear a family apart and ruin relationships for life. 55% of suicide surviving families report major conflict within the family. I've blogged about my personal experience and know all too well how the blaming and shaming that happens is like salt in an already laid open wound. My inlaws could not accept their son took his own life. I was blamed in every way possible. Some things said: "He died on your watch. It's your fault. You'll burn in hell." "He knew it is a sin to commit suicide. He would NEVER do THAT" "If you were more of an asset to your husband, he'd still...

After Mike died I did so many things out of character. I made a lot of mistakes and I regret most of them. I was so self destructive, self loathing and just broken. One of my regrets wasn't a something but a someone. Although I was in my deepest grief, I do take responsibility for my actions and behavior .  Let me start off by saying I have truly loved only four men in my life: Mike, Jay, Tony, and Sean. Each one I loved as much as I could in that time period in my life. I married two of the four. I am what some would call a "serial-monogamist". I've never had casual sex, one night stands or been unfaithful. It's just not the way I'm made. I most certainly never slept with a married man...until Mike died. Looking back I can very logically see why I entered into a relationship with a married man in the wake of Mike's suicide. I just wanted to feel wanted, to be desirable but not get my emotions involved. I felt abandoned. Who better to do that with than a m...

I discovered an app after Mike died that goes back in time to recover what you posted every year from the date on social media. I found it really helped with my grief reading what our family was up to in snapshots of time. The one I saw today brought back such vivid memories of the hazy time period just after Mike passed. It was the morning I was released from the psychiatric facility I was admitted into the night before. It was the most surreal experience. I learned quite a bit in the 8 hours I stayed...and I was asleep for 6 of them. It was just about one month to the date that Mike had died. I was not coping in ways I felt were safe. I slept all day. Awake all night. I was avoiding everyone. I had sought comfort in the arms and company of an old boyfriend who was married. I was drinking, smoking pot and taking any pill someone offered to numb the pain. People were well meaning but there was no shortage of drugs being handed to me in that time. Me...Miss Anti Drug...the girl who di...

While I was at the seminar for TAPS this weekend I spoke to so many survivors. I made it a point to seek out those alone and get to know those stories. I can tell when someone is really struggling from across the room. I can literally feel their grief. I am drawn to them. I would sit down and ask about their loved one. Their name. Their relationship. Eventually I would ask them to tell me the funniest fondest memory. You could see the body language change. They were no longer focusing on death and loss but on life and living. I'm convinced this is vital to the grief process. To remember the person they lost...not how they died. The fellow survivor would perk up and a smile would come across their faces as they strolled through their happy memories to find one that they most wanted to share. I gave them as much time they needed to pick. It wasn't so much about my desire to hear the best one but an opportunity for them to feel the joy of being in the presence of the loved one th...

Today the journalist who interviewed me told me I was brave. It's not the first time I've been told this and it catches me off guard every time. ...I'm not brave. I'm scared all the time. I didn't choose this life. I did the best I could with what I was given. Brave are the men and women who serve our country knowing the risks and consequences of war. Brave is the firefighter who runs into a burning building to save a family. I didn't decide to climb a brutal mountain knowing I may succumb to the elements. My husband died. Too early. I became the only parent to my kids and I did what I had to do to ensure their lives are safe and secure. I wasn't given the opportunity to weigh pros and cons. I didn't see it coming. While I am flattered to be called brave, I don't feel comfortable in that role. I got through it. What happened just "is". If I had a choice he would still be here and would have been in treatment. Bravery to me is a conscious ...

About a year ago I was on the phone with the head of Peer Mentor Training for TAPS. ( for those that don't know that is the Tragedy Assistance Program a unique non profit that supports the loved ones of service members who have died. Google them...they are amazing.) We were chatting about the upcoming national seminar taking place in Washington DC. He mentioned that it is a great experience but suggested for my first Seminar I should attend the annual suicide seminar because it is so specific to my loss. Well, I know good advice when I hear it! (Thank you Don L!) I was on a plane and headed to Colorado Springs not knowing what to expect. I was nervous and anxious and thought this was going to be emotionally draining and overall depressing being surrounded by so many people in such great pain. My assumption was wrong... First off the resort the event was held was breath taking. The view, the property it sat on, the staff...all top notch. I arrived a day ahead of the kick off for m...

Next week I am off to the Annual TAPS suicide Survivor seminar. I just learned today that several members from the VA and DOD will be present and meeting with the head of TAPS and survivors to gain more insight to the causes and effect of veteran suicide. I was told that I may be able to share my thoughts and also ask questions personally. I'm excited and nervous. I want to give them all that I've learned from survivors and military families at risk.  Some of my questions are about the suicide reports published by the DOD. They cite several commonalities in suicides they've studied. Some of them really bother me. Most of them are fairly generic and barely scratch the surface of the real core issues facing suicidal service members. The first one I can recall off the top of my head is marital issues. All marriages, civilian and military go through periods of strife. The difference I believe is coping skills. If you were to ask 100 couples in which one spouse was dealing with ...